freebog
6804
4 days ago

It's ok if you do it on company time.

BeerdedRNY
2554
4 days ago

I worked in a very large warehouse on a very small team and whenever any of us had to use the facilities we had to let the others know for coverage purposes. We used walkie-talkies and would just say "I'm going to get paid" and everyone knew it meant a bathroom break.

I_Bin_Painting
1885
4 days ago

I used to work in telesales and got heavily monitored by one asshole boss. I knew he couldn't sack me because, at the time, I was delivering the best numbers in the company.

I once got taken into the little office for him and 2 of his cronies to analyse how long I was taking on the toilet every day at 10:30. I think the aim was to humiliate me. I have him the most graphic description of taking a shit I possibly could, including some lengthy asides on how my training goals meant a high protein intake, and how that contributed to the paint-stripping fumes I generated in there. I included numerous references to how this meant I was not full of shit, and by implication how those conducting the interview were.

It didn't come up again.

BeerdedRNY
803
4 days ago

Brilliant!

Same here and for an extremely brief period I had an asshole manager who wanted us to sign out and sign in when we went on a bathroom break. I refused to do it and got called into her office. I first explained that as an adult I knew full well when I needed to go to the bathroom and that it would take however long it took, and that I didn't need to report that to any superior.

I questioned her need to know know such a personal thing since it was unrelated to our jobs and not required by any other department in the company, and I asked in such a way it could imply she had a urine or feces fetish. I also asked if she required people to bring samples of the soiled toilet paper they used as proof they actually took bathroom breaks. Lastly I asked if the sign out/in was a requirement made by the HR department.

I was dismissed and the sign out log disappeared later that day without a word to the team.

AstraiosMusic
274
4 days ago

In this context, asshole manager works in more than one way.

who_cares_bro
91
4 days ago

Technically everyones an asshole manager, if you really think about it

AstraiosMusic
42
4 days ago

This is deep

Bob9010
25
4 days ago

Like assholes, technically.

DontTouchTheWalrus
13
4 days ago

This is deep

Brawndo91
23
4 days ago

"Hi, welcome aboard. I'm the asshole manager. Don't let the title fool you, I'm actually quite friendly. I'm just here to make sure all of our employees keep their sensitive areas clean and don't strain, which can cause hemorrhoids. And I'll be damned if I see any hemorrhoids on my watch! Sorry for the outburst, I'm just very serious about what I do. Anyway, we keep a variety of snacks in the break room that promote clean, healthy bowel movements. Also, all of our facilities have bidets and a good strong bathroom tissue to keep you spic and span. Folks'll be begging to eat your asshole after a few weeks with us..."

I think I found my calling.

BeerdedRNY
12
4 days ago

True, very true.

me_is_me
2
4 days ago

I am my own asshole manager.

Flacvest
175
4 days ago

For those reading and going, "wow, that worked", it's because when you call people out on their shit they tend to wise up.

The thing is, we don't regularly do that to teens, young adults enough, and the behavior just keeps getting worse.

These asshole bosses are just bully teens who are mad they're still unhappy.

arcanition
87
4 days ago

Agreed 100%.

I actually am just figuring this out now, as a 25-year-old who has been working as a full-time salaried engineer for 3 years now in the corporate world. My current boss (whom I've had for 2 years) started out fine, but over time his management towards me took on a more "parental" tone than towards others, even though my numbers were far and above better than most of my coworkers.

When I say "parental" I mean he would get on to me about showing up late (I'm full-time salaried and stay 'til my projects are done which was typically from ~9:30am until ~5:30pm or 6, sometimes as late as 7 or 8) or even about stuff like wearing a sweater that happened to have a hood attached (even though I never wore the hood and many people wear way more casual stuff). He just announced that he's getting promoted to be a director of another department too, so he doesn't give two shits about our team anymore.

I've finally had enough of it, I volunteered through work for a veteran's charity the second half of last Friday and asked him Thursday if I could work remote the first half and then go directly. He also is never at his desk, so I was only able to catch him while he was fast-walking from one meeting to another, he didn't even slow down to talk to me. Any reasonable boss would say sure, but he was super confrontational, asking if I thought it was really necessary, asking what work I would miss (none), asking what meetings/calls I would miss (none). He ended the conversation by saying "if that's what you really think you need to do, then ok" which in boss talk means "you have my approval but I'll be disappointed if you actually do this."

So on Friday I didn't work remote and came into the office in the morning, he sees me and says "why are you here?" I told him that he implied that he didn't want me to work remote, and he laughs and says "well you're an adult, you can do what you want!"

It's so fucking stupid. The corporate world is a migraine in and of itself.

schmuckmulligan
38
4 days ago

Hope you get out soon and under good terms. I'm 15 years older and found out at about your age that culture and management civility are waaaay more important than basically anything else, professionally.

arcanition
14
4 days ago

Thank you friend :)

I'm hoping that it'll get better soon as I'm getting a new manager who is (seems to be, at least) nicer and more of a "people person". The company has also made it clear that they value my performance with a decent raise at this latest annual review.

That being said, it has weighed on me and increased my stress dramatically over the past 6 months. For example, today I got word that my grandmother passed away and so I needed to work from home the remainder of the day (to help my mother with anything she needed). Most salaried engineers that I know wouldn't even need to do anything in this circumstance, they would just leave and perhaps let someone know.

But in this situation, my boss isn't available to talk to, so I have to just text him the situation. I explain everything, let him know I've forwarded my calls to my cell, and tell him I'll be back in office as normal tomorrow morning. He just replies "Ok, sorry for your loss."

That's it.

Like any other boss would be like "I'm so sorry, of course, take the time you need. Don't worry about work." Or whatever. He just says ok and moves on.

Sadly I've talked to literally everybody I can about this. I've talked to several bosses of other regions individually, and even our HR manager. All of them respond something to the effect of "I had no idea this was happening, and that's not fair at all, we'll resolve this." and then nothing happens. I want to like my company, I want to enjoy coming to work, but I don't want to have to worry about every splitsecond I'm not in my desk chair.

schmuckmulligan
4
4 days ago

Yeah, that's uncool behavior from your boss. I hope it's just a situation in which the bad apples are so rare they haven't figured out how to get them out of the barrel!

A_Simple_Guy
9
4 days ago

I once took managerial training and one of the comments was how to stop managers from having a parent-child relationship with their team. Its quite common and it's not always from a negative place.

Maybe ask for a meeting and just ask him why he treats you different to the others and you feel its like a "parent-child" situation (give examples) then just ask nicely that you be treated with respect and treated like an adult.

It might not work at all but i kinda doubt it will cause any massive backlash if youre polite and ask open ended questions and able to back up what you mean with examples of what hes done

Or he could be a dick and itll all go to shit. YOU NEVER KNOW but if you dont care then might be fun to try out

umblegar
6
4 days ago

”asshole manager”

ThegreatPee
4
4 days ago

Fucking Karen

I-cant-draw-bears
3
4 days ago

the sign out log disappeared later that day

Heh. Log.

lisping_lynx
2
4 days ago

I love it when people are so secure and confident that they can literally shit-talk their boss to their face. And they soooo had it coming with the ridiculous toilet log.

harmonicblip
2
4 days ago

Sign out log...

cotch85
143
4 days ago

in my early 20s i worked for a customer service call centre and they said i was going to the toilet too frequently. They were really pushy with people not being available to take a call. It got to the point where I was facing a disciplinary for going to the toilet too much, and honestly, I drink a lot especially in that line of work your throat would always dry up.

Anyway, I ended up going to see my family GP who i'd been with since a young child as someone said if I had a doctors note they couldn't do anything and I explained to him the situation, they said they'd write me a letter saying I had "IBS" and that they would run some tests on some shit i had to put in a tube. He said there was some inflation, so he gave me a note that said ongoing I could have troubles with my bowels making me need the toilet more frequently. The disciplinary got thrown out and I got to enjoy my long trips to the bathroom.

TheR1ckster
16
4 days ago

Aren't call centers great?

cotch85
3
4 days ago

The people I met working there made it so much more tolerable.. But yeah, being pulled up for going to the toilet 3-4 times during a 8-10 hour shift is absolutely crazy.

It was even worse because the toilets on our floor were always being closed for broken plumbing and such, so you'd need to go 2 floors up to use the toilet. They said realistically you should be able to goto the toilet and back in 60 seconds as a male. Don't think that'd be true if I had the toilets on my floor available.

Once I recall the plumbing breaking and there was shit covered water and toilet roll all over the ground and it had starting flowing into the carpet where we were working and instead of admitting it was a serious health concern, they just walked up and down the office floor spraying airspray every now and then triggering people to have asthma attacks and such.

The company fortunately has long gone now, but they had some pretty big contracts. I think the entire management crew were some of if not the most inept people i've ever worked with.

TheR1ckster
5
4 days ago

I worked for one of the biggest banks, we weren't allowed to practice the fire drills when the none phone employees did.

We had to keep taking calls even while the alarms were going off.

mrcheesewhizz
3
4 days ago

I hated my last call center job. My manager made a spreadsheet and timed my bathroom breaks down to the second for a few weeks, then used it as evidence to coach me for stealing company time. The first offense for this was a one-time final warning, second offense was termination. I took maybe two or three 90 second bathroom breaks a day, so it took up a maximum of 5 minutes of company time.

In the end she got me fired on a similar technicality. I forgot to clock out for lunch twice in one month, so it pushed my handle time over goal. I had sent her emails on both days reporting the incidents, but instead of correcting it and holding me to my actual handle time, she combined my final warning from my bathroom breaks with my “sub par stats” as proof I was a lazy employee.

cotch85
4
4 days ago

"my manager made a spreadsheet and timed my bathroom breaks" "stealing company time"

hahaha so funny isn't it.. Youre better off away from a shit hole like that, if that's the practices it performs.

ryanhallows
117
4 days ago

That’s when you ask to be CC’d a copy of the minutes from that meeting so you can let his boss know how he is wasting time

EpicLegendX
30
4 days ago

This is bordering on /r/prorevenge

kingemocut
5
4 days ago

op already pulled out one hell of a power move, might as well go the whole hog on it.

KneeDeepInTheDead
19
4 days ago

technically, you were full of shit

weekend-guitarist
3
4 days ago

Until he was not.

Seriously compacted fecal matter is no joke.

ch0c0l2te
12
4 days ago

I was not full of shit

I mean, technically.....

Big_Goose
3
4 days ago

Technically he was ridding himself of shit, so he wasn't full of shit.

muh-soggy-knee
2
4 days ago

Technically speaking you were both full of shit...

AngusBoomPants
2
4 days ago

My manager once tried that. I told her how I wear two pairs of pants, 2 hoodies, a jacket, a safety vest, and how hard it is to wipe your ass with all of it on, and how it takes time to take it off then put it back on

ZeldaFan812
2
4 days ago

Literal asshole manager haha

murrman92
7
4 days ago
BeerdedRNY
2
4 days ago

Lol, indeed!

FirstWorldAnarchist
3
4 days ago

We said “dropping the kids”, “going to the office”, or “going to fill some paperwork”.

hate434
3
4 days ago

“Bleed the lizard”

“Drop off the kids at the pool”

“Visit the porcelain gods”

“Make a deposit at the bank”

“Bomb the porcelain heathens”

“Explode the camode”

TheChrisCrash
3
4 days ago

Here in IT, we call it "sending a fax". So you'll say "oh I gotta go send a fax", and people know..

Plumbous
2
4 days ago

We call it filling out some paperwork at my gig

RedSquirrelFtw
2
4 days ago

I like how most workplaces have codes for that. I worked in a hospital and we called it "code brown". At my current job which is at a telecom CO, it's "going to check the temperature upstairs". That's where the DMS100 is and we actually do go check once in a while make sure the room temperature is ok and stuff. But there's also a bathroom in there we refer to as the executive bathroom.

Partyfavors680
335
4 days ago

They make a dollar I make a dime that’s why I shit on company time.

letmeexplainitforyou
190
4 days ago

They make a hundred dollars I make a dime that’s why I shit on company time.

FTFY

Schindog
93
4 days ago

CAPITALISM 2K19

CarpeDiemSIEGETheDay
41
4 days ago

Game is meh but the MyCareer mode is highly unbalanced and broken.

tyrghast
3
4 days ago

For every hour I spend at JobCo I get like 5 credits but they make at least 100 credits. I'll never grind out my student loans at this rate. Devs boost credits per hour for users plz!

RoundMound0fRebound
16
4 days ago

Now with microtransactions!

Juicet
14
4 days ago

I’ve bought hundreds of premium lootboxes, but I still haven’t unlocked Elon Musk. Any good strategies for a Mark Cuban build instead?

jesse9o3
15
4 days ago

Did you start with the rich parents modifier?

If not it's pretty much impossible to win the game, it's a load of random bullshit really.

Soloman212
3
4 days ago

So 2 employees of his together are making as much as he does?

bryanjk
3
4 days ago

Was not expecting this, +1

njsteffey
256
4 days ago

We had social media blocked on the company wifi and toilet time was cut drastically almost immediately. It's amazing how much social media must be causing digestive troubles

Dauss
155
4 days ago

Do people actually use social media on company wifi?

superfurrykylos
124
4 days ago

I used to work for the local council and while we weren't able to connect personal devices to the wifi, they were cool with social media being accessible on the computers (although they had to be in our case; we were the PR/Comms team).

If you trust and allow your staff the ability to take personal calls/use social media, within reason, most will reciprocate the good will and not take the piss.

You'll get the odd bad egg of course, but they get punished. The majority appreciate the fact they can reply to personal messages or take personal calls and it stops people fucking off to the toilet for ages. They were big believers in the work/life balance. I worked my arse off there but it was a great place to work. People appreciate being treated as human beings...who knew?!?!?

Denominax
62
4 days ago

yeah I'm allowed to use my phone/make calls/social media/whatever at work, I always watch Netflix and use reddit all day long as long as the work gets done nobody says anything

I never see anybody slacking off or not doing their work because of their phone

superfurrykylos
54
4 days ago

That was exactly how it was measured. If your job was done they were cool with plenty of stuff. It's a much healthier work environment and actually makes staff more productive. Everyone benefits.

JamesTrendall
22
4 days ago

My wife's company monitors everything you do with company WiFi including personal calls and texts etc...

There's a whole section in her contract explaining how they have the right to search all devices etc... If connected to the company WiFi.

My wife has never connected and was asked to unlock her phone one day so they can search it. She placed the phone on the table and told them I have not connected my device to the company WiFi and until they can prove said device has been the phone remains locked.

Company got really butthurt and eventually gave up.

I've since setup a clean partition that if you unlock the phone using a code it opens a factory fresh version of the phone with no photos, calls, texts etc... Just on the off chance they try to search the phone again. They also use the CCTV to monitor your device during breaks which I'm pretty sure is illegal.

bryanjk
6
4 days ago

Could you elaborate on how you setup a 2nd partition on the device?

I have a rooted pixel and haven't been able to do anything like this, especially with its multiple boot slots for OTA updating.

njsteffey
19
4 days ago

Where we live, the cell reception can be spotty. Everyone just connects to the wifi and uses it instead

Mr_Ruski
11
4 days ago

Thats why you go on the guest wifi.

themariokarters
2
4 days ago

Thank god for unlimited data

HeideK
2
4 days ago

I do, but im in the military so it's a little different, It's literally the only way to contact home when you're away. I'm also the manager of the system which.... has it it's perks.

awesomefutureperfect
2
4 days ago

At my old job, some of the workers logged into plenty of fish or back page or some "dating" website on a computer in a cubicle made available to ask for time off and checking pay stubs and health insurance and stuff.

The IT guy was like "OKAY,!" in a meeting. "You have to ask for permission to use the wi fi now and that cube is only for business related stuff. The things I've seen..." and he had this far off look of a man who can't unsee things... "Use the internet responsibly you guys. I'm not here to judge tastes," and he visibly shuddered... "but lets keep private matters at home, okay?"

surffrus
2
4 days ago

Why not? All major social media sites use https, and your typical company most likely is unable to snoop on that.

CompositeCharacter
2
4 days ago

Yes

And also on the wired work computers, but I'm not certain if it's ad networks because I always see the same people and social media has been blocked for months.

xqsd
2
4 days ago

Not social media exactlt, but somwhat related. I worked in a grocery store overnights (10p to 6am) and would at times when I had a case of the fuck-its grab the IP of the store's public wifi, to DDoS the network with a network stress tester for an hour to prevent the ordering guns from sending food orders by 4am. The ordering guns required the store's LAN wifi in order to process orders-unable to be done on cell phone hotspot. The goal of this was to make the next night at work easier, with less to stock, since no network = no food that can be ordered.

I only connected to the company's wifi if my intended purpose was to sabotage the network temporarily for my own benefit.

I did most of my browsing on breaks on my own 4G data.

mattindustries
14
4 days ago

I play some silly golf game while on the toilet.

aj_thenoob
13
4 days ago

One word: VPN

JimmyBoombox
21
4 days ago

Or just use your cellular data.

MyWordIsBond
3
4 days ago

Not that my work ever blocked anything on their wifi other than porn, gambling, and weapons/violence, and not that I ever attempted to access any of those things while at work... But I definitely reddit, Facebook, and surf the web much more freely now that I use a VPN.

LewisCampbell90
5
4 days ago

Nothing worse than when you need a shit and there aren't any cubicles available because all the kids are in on their phones.

nessager
3
4 days ago

Unlimited 4G bitch! Noone interrupt my toilet time.

DontTreadOnBigfoot
2
4 days ago

Checks out.

I know social media gives me indigestion...

thecrazysloth
2
4 days ago

Honestly, I would just take a book.

MrJigglyBrown
50
4 days ago

My work song:

I take two dumps in the morning

I take two dumps at 9

I take two dumps in the afternoon it makes me feel alright

I take two dumps in times of peace and two in time of war

I take two dumps before I take two dumps, and then I take two more

KeegorTheDestroyer
49
4 days ago

I think you need to cut down on the fiber, man

ThegreatPee
4
4 days ago

Your poor Colon

fate_of_etims
3
4 days ago

Sublime fan I see

CaffeineSippingMan
28
4 days ago

Our company "pays us" to work out. We get 3 dollars a day deposited into our health savings account if our fitness tracker says we met 3 requirements. Hell yes I do some on company time.

PairOfMonocles2
5
4 days ago

That’s awesome!

tyrghast
3
4 days ago

How many steps for jerking it on office time?

pootershots
2
4 days ago

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That’s why I poop on company time!

Dramatic_______Pause
2
4 days ago

If you're good at something, never do it for free.

uber1337h4xx0r
2
4 days ago

Inb4 dollar dime company time

Landlubber77
2004
4 days ago

Say adieu to the loo and get parasitical with the elliptical!

DiamondPup
463
4 days ago

Yeah but sitting around creating a stink is easier than being productive. Hence, Brexit.

Ansiroth
93
4 days ago

My toilet time at work will now be known as brexiting.

rage-quit
37
4 days ago

No, Brexiting is constipation.

When it's telling you it wants to leave but it never actually leaves.

tr0ubl3sum
19
4 days ago

It's hard brexit that..

BBQ_FETUS
14
4 days ago

No deal Brexit: You shit your pants

asparagusface
3
4 days ago

This deserves more upvotes.

Limited-Liability
2
4 days ago

Need to go drop a Theresa May

saucygit
34
4 days ago

I am the fiahstahtah!

FillesDeKilimanjaro
2
4 days ago

Funking instinkator

lenswipe
4
4 days ago

You are now banned from PlanetFitness

omicron8
3
4 days ago

Say tata to your caca and say yes to the leg press.

little-burrito
3
4 days ago

Which accent do you have where adieu and loo rhymes? (Curious non native speaker here)

soaringtyler
2
4 days ago

...

...parasitical?

egotisticalnoob
615
4 days ago

It won't flush unless you get enough miles in.

Spineless_McGee
325
4 days ago

Miles of what? Are we talking miles travelled or physical fecal length? And on that, why not in mass rather than length?

trainingweele
111
4 days ago

Must drop at least 3.2 courics before the flushing mechanism activates.

Seanxietehroxxor
8
4 days ago

I'm assume it's the former, but I'm going to pretend it's the latter.

Maybe it's a water conservation effort?

jferrier25
4
4 days ago

And also wipes your bum

Poolboy24
55
4 days ago

People think horses are stupid, they're just ahead of the power curve.

ClumpOfCheese
17
4 days ago

It’s all about the recumbent bike.

iSkwat
3
4 days ago

Holy shit thought it was onion at first lol

Warden_Ryker
911
4 days ago

Three hours? How?! This implies nearly half an hour on the loo every day - do these people have explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea every day of the week or something?

Procrastinare
1121
4 days ago

Someone right now is reading this comment while sitting on the toilet.

I don't think it's that unusual to sit on the toilet and read or surf the internet and just lose track of time.

I don't think they're actively shitting for 30 minutes at a time.

Warden_Ryker
203
4 days ago

To do that every day of the week though?

im-a-season
386
4 days ago

The bathroom is a safe haven. No one bothers you in there unless you're absolutely needed. Also some people's diets are absolutely trash. I used to drink energy drinks a lot and that sent me to the bathroom multiple times a day.

Warden_Ryker
109
4 days ago

The bathroom is a safe haven.

Tell that to my fucking cat that just barges in through the open window unannounced. Like, I closed the door for a reason ya fuckin' bastard.

secretaltacc
52
4 days ago

...close the window too?

Warden_Ryker
61
4 days ago

But my extract fan doesn't work and how else am I supposed to ruin the neighbour's family barbecue with my strenuous shitting sounds and an odour that could level a city?

SuperSMT
12
4 days ago

Just install an outhouse on the property line

klavin1
5
4 days ago

cat could still get in

limp-brizkit
6
4 days ago
KptKrondog
6
4 days ago

Fix the fan. They're easy to replace usually. Then you get the noise maker back. I hate using bathrooms that don't have a fan in them. I like the noise.

240strong
2
4 days ago

I like you.

SatanicOnion
2
4 days ago
DarkFantom
35
4 days ago

Accept the poop cat and your poop times shall be filled with kitty cuddles. Mine does the same, and to be honest, it's enjoyable having a kitty hang out with you while on the loo.

toriko
9
4 days ago

Amen. I get really sad now if I'm pooing at home and my cats don't barge in. Makes me think they're mad at me.

lapotronic
3
4 days ago

My cat asks to be picked up and hugged while I'm on the fucking toilet.

I oblige, but it's weird...

Malnilion
2
4 days ago

That's how you end up with shitty kitty...

HoraceAndPete
2
4 days ago

Good lord.

Halk
4
4 days ago

My cat guards me when I'm on the toilet. He'll sit facing the door with his back to me while I'm losing weight as if I'm vulnerable while I'm doing it. I'd heard of dogs doing that but not cats.

4SKlN
34
4 days ago

I used to drink energy drinks a lot and that sent me to the bathroom multiple times a day.

Drink more water you salt-ridden harlot

Dominus_Redditi
26
4 days ago

r/waterniggas rise up

welding-_-guru
12
4 days ago

This is honestly one of the most inviting and positive communities on reddit.

Robotlolz
10
4 days ago

To be honest I wish the n word wasn’t being thrown around so much

4SKlN
6
4 days ago

They hold us down no longer, my brother

OfficerBrando
10
4 days ago

I sat down and opened Reddit. In the time it has taken me to write this, I am BASICALLY done, but I will definitely sit here for probably 5 more minutes because I'm getting paid, nobody is going to ask me questions here and I'm in need of a break.

I've got a kid at home, so it's the same thing there too. I'm just trying to carve out 5-10 minutes of silence a few times a day. The bathroom just happens to be the place I can make that happen.

iamNebula
4
4 days ago

I feel instantly relaxed with my ass out on the loo. It's amazing. Basically a switch.

awhaling
3
4 days ago

The statistic is still impressively terrible

deftones5
2
4 days ago

I find this weird. I finish poop at 2 minutes max. Half hour is an eternity to me in the bathroom

gbeezy007
53
4 days ago

Yeah this is a good point. Personally I'll spend like 3-5 minutes typically then like once every 3 days I'll have a 30 minute long session lol

Warden_Ryker
59
4 days ago

I'm just thinking, why would you rather spend that time sitting on the bog having the blood drained from your legs by the cold embrace of the shitter, when you can speedrun the process, annihilate a small forest in toilet paper, then get back to shitposting from the comfort of a sofa?

darkfaith93
66
4 days ago

This is being done where the alternative is work.

I also enjoy letting my anus "cool down" before wiping.

Also I put very hot sauces on food very often.

(loled at annihilating a small forest in toilet paper)

GuruFA5
8
4 days ago

Hahaha I do the cool down too!

TheJawsThemeSong
40
4 days ago

It depends, it's better to shit at work and take your time. Sometimes if you're married with kids too, the bathroom is literally your only source of privacy in your own home.

jbeanygril
37
4 days ago

“the bathroom is literally your only source of privacy in your own home.”

cries in parent

giraffeapples
14
4 days ago

Are you an only child or something? The bathroom is the only room in the house that gives you privacy. Everyone in my family would fight tooth and nail for the bathroom. My brother hide his comic books in a plastic bag inside the top of the toilet. My sister hid stuff in her makeup. I used to hide stuff under the bottom towel all the way in the back of the top towel shelf.

gbeezy007
7
4 days ago

Um cause I can't speed run the process.... Doesn't happen everyday but twice a week it's a little out of my control.

MechanicalEngineEar
8
4 days ago

Because the moment you sit down on the sofa you are being asked to do something since you are being lazy.

Warden_Ryker
15
4 days ago

Not if you've already successfully shunned your entire family and live alone with nothing but time, your thoughts, and your bastard window-jumping cat that won't let you poop in peace.

69420swag
2
4 days ago

Are you me?

Warden_Ryker
2
4 days ago

Shh they're onto me.

MechanicalEngineEar
2
4 days ago

Oh, of course. I thought that was implied.

spectrumero
2
4 days ago

But shitposting while shitting on the shitter is special.

UnchainedMundane
35
4 days ago

5 minute pee

It takes like 20 seconds, you've got some serious optimisation to be doing here

and if it doesn't, see a doctor

Blazingjans
11
4 days ago

It sounded to me like he meant the time it takes to leave your desk, walk to the bathroom, piss, and then get back. Easily 5 minutes depending on how far away from the loo you are.

Shardenfroyder
2
4 days ago

Like he said, optimisation. Start by hiding an empty coke bottle under the desk.

NibblesMcGiblet
2
4 days ago

He said "if I'm not working".

KiltedTraveller
2
4 days ago

Should actually take almost exactly 21 seconds to pee, for all mammals including humans!

BBQcupcakes
10
4 days ago

Idk, shit 3-4 times a day, 5mins at a time + phone browsing I could see it start to add up.

Edit: I shit a lot because I eat 4500kcal/day and have gained 30lbs since December.

Panduz
64
4 days ago

who tf is shitting that much get help omg

Warden_Ryker
26
4 days ago

I feel like people shit a lot more often than I do. I'm like a once a day, maybe once every two days kinda guy.

Caused a lot of clogs in my day.

cannotfoolowls
9
4 days ago

I'm like a once a day, maybe once every two days kinda guy.

Same here. Usually right after breakfast. And it doesn't take long at all.Not long enough to take out my phone, in any case.

SuperSMT
3
4 days ago

I think most people are around once a day

Benzerka
18
4 days ago

Do people actually shit 3-4 times a day? Im usually once a day, maybe once every 2 days.

someguy50
8
4 days ago

Maybe they eat a lot / a lot of fiber. I'm usually once a day, after coffee

Chevness
6
4 days ago

Food in, Food out. Every time. Eat lots of fiber, every meal.

Maaikees
6
4 days ago

Ever since I stopped eating meat 13 years ago I became a 2 to 3 times a day shitter

ProfessorBroda
4
4 days ago

depends on how much you eat. If you're on a bulk it's normal

moosebeavers
11
4 days ago

I was once on a 5000-6000 calorie clean, mostly vegan bulk...I pooped 4-5 times a day but it only took like 10 seconds a poo. I felt like a machine

giraffeapples
4
4 days ago

How often people poop really has almost nothing to do with diet or health. Different people are just different. Some people poop once a week. Some people poop six times a day. Personally I’ve gone through periods of both. When I didn’t have regular access to a toilet I could go like 3 days without pooping without even noticing. But now that I do have access to a regular toilet I poop probably 4 times a day.

readditlater
3
4 days ago

It sort of does. Eating more fiber makes you more regular, as does exercise (it stimulates your bowels—ever notice how dogs always have to go after making a big sprint?).

A-RM
2
4 days ago

What are you on about mate? Diet & health directly influence how regular you go...

https://www.health.harvard.edu/aging/easy-ways-to-stay-regular

This is just one reference but you will find thousands of scholarly sources repeating this fact. And anecdotally I've seen my regularity shift drastically after eating better and exercising almost immediately.

BlinkStalkerClone
2
4 days ago

3 times a day and once every three days is normal, it's one of those things with such a wide range that people are really surprised by other people's habits. I poop like two or three times a week, think of the time I save!

Flyberius
9
4 days ago

I think it all adds up. I probably do two shits a day and 3-4 pisses. Maybe more.

But on the flip side I do about 3-6 hours of exercise each week so I've earned my shitter time.

SEphotog
6
4 days ago

My husband spends at least 45 minutes on the toilet every day. It makes me unreasonably angry.

averyfinename
4
4 days ago

it's a vicious cycle. he goes in there for a little quiet time with a newspaper or crossword, it makes you unreasonably angry... so he goes in there again, which makes you even more unreasonably angry...... rinse and repeat.

PubisMcgee
3
4 days ago

Twice for ten minutes and then a couple of wees during the day?

otter111a
79
4 days ago

Break this habit as soon as you can. It can cause early onset hemorrhoids.

MayorScotch
38
4 days ago

I am 33 and just went through a bout of hemorrhoids thanks to this. It takes me 10-15 minutes to shake everything out though.

otter111a
32
4 days ago

Eat more fiber. Get a box of high fiber cereal and eat it every morning for a few months and then occasionally thereafter.

Slim_Charles
13
4 days ago

I bought a big bag of psyllium husk powder, and mix that with my water every morning. Makes for easy pooping.

charlyDNL
6
4 days ago

Fiber cereals are mostly flour, you are better off with a fiber powder supplement from the pharmacy or improving what foods you eat

impediment
2
4 days ago

Idk about you but I'm not able to eat a box of cereal every day.

Pyronic_Chaos
11
4 days ago

That's still too long honestly, should be like 5 min once or twice a day. Maybe drink some more water and eat a bit more fiber?

berlinbaer
2
4 days ago

also you might be lactose intolerant. it can flare up later in life and complicate your digestion. not enough to actually make you worry but enough to make you sit 15 minutes on the toilet.

Orsonius2
3
4 days ago

had my first ones when I was 29 because I caught some intestines virus and had constant diarrhea which eventually made me press too hard... fucking sucked.

but they are gone now. put on that lotion every day, learn to shit squatting, don't press too hard

good tips

lazava1390
8
4 days ago

Oh duck

ffxivthrowaway03
39
4 days ago

I don't get this. When I'm shitting, I sit on the toilet, I shit (which takes a minute or two tops), I wipe myself, and I leave.

If you've got time to sit on the toilet for 10-15 minutes just waiting for poop to leave your butt, it's time to see a doctor because that's not healthy.

undercooked_lasagna
20
4 days ago

I am amazed at the number of people who take 10-30 minutes to take a shit. Everyone talks about reading or looking at their phone on the toilet, but the entire process from sitting down to washing my hands takes me maybe 90 seconds.

Shardenfroyder
8
4 days ago

If you took a bit longer maybe your lasagna wouldn't be undercooked.

Hylofet
5
4 days ago

90 seconds might be a little fast but yeah, no more than a 2-3 minutes depending on clothing and how gross the seat was before you sat down if it's a public toilet.

Dinierto
1
4 days ago

Ditto. It's bizzarre to me

hardypart
2
4 days ago

What are you doing with all that extra time?

MarlinMr
10
4 days ago

Someone right now is reading this comment while sitting on the toilet.

But that's not time spent being on the loo. That's time spent sitting and browsing reddit. They just happen to combine it with sitting on a toilet. But they are not actively shitting.

DohnKeyBawls
3
4 days ago

I've always been fascinated by this. I mean, I'll shit and look at the internet for 45 seconds while I'm shitting, but after that I wipe and leave. Who the fuck just sits there in their stench? Why?

BusinesslikeIdiocy
4
4 days ago

I dont get this shit, i take my shit and gtfo, i know it can take time but im 100% focused then i leave, how can you lose track of time with your stinky shit wafting up to you

Dinierto
4
4 days ago

I've always found this strange. I might check messages but once the train has left the depot, so to speak, I pack it up and leave.

ErAxt
4
4 days ago

Yeah maybe now and then, but not on average.. I genuinely think my average is below 5 minutes. Pissing takes nearly no time. Shit once, takes maybe a minute and then I shower my ass thoroughly.

Whoever answered this survey might estimate that they spend 30 minutes/day on the toilet, but I think a realistic number might be closer to 15 minutes at most.

freiwilliger
3
4 days ago

You're right

psychonaut8672
3
4 days ago

I've been sitting here 18 minutes so far and I'm still shitting.

hrdog
2
4 days ago

Can confirm I’m reading this while sitting on the toilet

zach2992
2
4 days ago

Someone right now is reading this comment while sitting on the toilet.

Can confirm.

PDshotME
2
4 days ago

It comes to 25 minutes a day, not a dump. 25 minutes for ALL your toilet trips for the day.

_Rand_
2
4 days ago

It doesn’t have to be a single 30 minute stretch either.

5 minutes every time you piss/shit in a day is only 6 trips to the bathroom to hit 30 minutes.

sirmadam
2
4 days ago

Guy sat on the toilet checking in, sat reading reddit poopin! I was probably finished about 10 minutes ago but there might be more, so I wait a bit. 😂

IReplyWithLebowski
2
4 days ago

I’m on the toilet right now!

RedFalcon510
101
4 days ago

Yeah I never understood this either... I unload fully within 30 seconds of starting, is this not normal? 🤔

iiitsbacon
80
4 days ago

That’s how I am and my friends think I’m weird for not sitting on the toilet for 45 minutes. Fuck that get in get it done and get out I got other shit to do

rotoq
23
4 days ago

Other shit? Like take another shit right after your shit? Maybe you weren't done shitting in the first place ;-)

rpgguy_1o1
4
4 days ago

I crapped twice this morning, within 10 mins of each other, total waste of toilet paper

SjettepetJR
9
4 days ago

45 minutes? Jeez. I am done within 2 minutes, then whiping takes a few seconds up to a few minutes. Those 1 whipe shits are great.

But wtf, regularly needing more than 10 minutes to get your shit out is insane.

Barkovitch
3
4 days ago

then whiping takes a few seconds up to a few minutes

Sweet jesus how much cleanup is really required.

SjettepetJR
5
4 days ago

I don't know. I think someone is secretly putting brown markers in my food.

Sometimes I don't even have to whipe once. Sometimes it is half a toilet roll.

EmilyU1F984
27
4 days ago

Nah that's the healthy way, if you get enough fiber for your style of intestine and are generally healthy.

There's loads of people, that as they become older especially, take ages on the toilet.

Plus the other problem of aging: Having to go often to pee..

But the average healthy 20-30 year old shouldn't be spending more than a few <5 minutes on the toilet a day. So about 15 minutes max a day if you are slow to pee.

But it's quite easy to get to those three hours or more if you have some bowel problems already.

thatlookslikeavulva
17
4 days ago

I love the idea that I have a style of intestine.

EmilyU1F984
11
4 days ago

What I meant to say was that people can drastically vary in what diets negatively affect them.

Some people will only eat crap and have perfect digestion, others can only eat one sugar free mint before getting diarrhea, others will be constipated if they eat a full Christmas dinner etc.

I mean just opioids alone can show the drastic differences: Some people will be constipated for a week after taking some codeine cough drops, other can be on high doses of opium tincture and still have diarrhea.

doozywooooz
2
4 days ago

Pretty sure almost everyone finishes in under 30 seconds. It's just that we don't get up immediately. Too busy browsing memes

eXXaXion
49
4 days ago

30 minutes are a lot? My big daily poop usually takes 20-30. Not to mention 1-2 small ones and like 5-10 pees.

I also exercise 5 times a week so maybe there's a correlation.

Warden_Ryker
82
4 days ago

Shy of eating your bodyweight in protein I can't see how that's even possible hahaha

Edit: the 30 minute turd session, not the exercise ya fuckin' droggos.

Irishpanda1971
29
4 days ago

15 minutes of pooping, followed by another 15 attempting to get your toilet to take the Lovecraftian turdspawn you summoned back to the outer dimension it came from.

Warden_Ryker
10
4 days ago

You had me at Lovecraftian turdspawn.

Hacrimonious
14
4 days ago

Cthupoo

Hacrimonious
4
4 days ago

Hasturd

Hacrimonious
6
4 days ago

Assathoth

Hacrimonious
5
4 days ago

gnarlyassotap

hexopuss
3
4 days ago

Not the person you're responding to, but for me its reading, browsing my phone, and cleaning really well. I'm really weird about how spotlessit has to be before I'm okay with finishing

RustySpannerz
3
4 days ago

I feel like it would be weirder if you weren't doing that

cool12y
6
4 days ago

:( Hopefully, we can figure out a way to cure the disease, or at least some of the symptoms.

KneeDeepInTheDead
4
4 days ago

UC here, I just got on Humira a few months ago and it was such a huge change. Not sure if that works for you guys too. Best of luck! I was going like 18 times a day at my worst.... do not miss those times.

as_a_fake
5
4 days ago

I'm on a clinical trial right now for a drug that's made life more than bearable again. It's honestly amazing. It's just that in times of high stress (finals season, yay! -_-) it ends up taking more of my time than usual.

Purplociraptor
2
4 days ago

UC checking in

_jk_
15
4 days ago

it would be interesting to see the median time, could be another case of the mean being skewed by a relatively small number of people taking a really long time

cool12y
2
4 days ago

That's what I was thinking. Maybe people like to Reddit or fuck around on their phone in the toilets, thus skewing the data up.

Gh0sT_Pro
13
4 days ago

Here is the actual report: https://www.comresglobal.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ukactive-National-Fitness-Day-Survey-Data-Tables.pdf

Given all the values are self-reported and guesstimates, I'd say it's pretty inaccurate if taken literally as "minutes spent with your exposed butt on the white throne".

RockinSocksII
7
4 days ago

Probably too little fiber.

everythingsleeps
2
4 days ago

Definitely. I know whenever I go to a Brit restaurant it's pretty greasy all the food...and the veggies are buttered peas and carrots

rawbface
9
4 days ago

It would be just the opposite. Constipation makes you spend a lot of time on the toilet, not diarrhea...

Warden_Ryker
11
4 days ago

Clearly you've never had a case of the brown Scotch mist. Sadly uncommon when you're lactose intolerant but convince yourself that the bucket of ice cream you just devoured can't possibl-

One moment please.

Dulcius_ex
6
4 days ago

51% of the population of Britain is female, and our whole sitch means peeing takes longer. Plus 1/4 of the time we have periods, which means more trips to the loo.

With a poo per day and staying hydrated (e.g. peeing lots) it could easily be 25 minutes/day.

lulaf0rtune
3
4 days ago

I've been scrolling through these comments and getting weirded out by the fact that no one seems to have remembered that people need to piss too,

Razgriz96
5
4 days ago

I have a friend with Ulcerative Colitis who would laugh at such a low number, iirc he said he sits on the shitter at least 2hrs a day.

He also over shares information while he does so...

nohpex
3
4 days ago

Sounds like they're in need of some squatty potties.

GRat9717
3
4 days ago

It's the tea.

Crusader1089
2
4 days ago

I don't know how it is in the rest of the world, but a lot of people in England have books and magazines in the toilet room as its one of the few places no-one tries to bother them, so they get in a break from life's constant unending drudgery.

Warden_Ryker
5
4 days ago

Not me. I just stare at the back of bathroom cleaning product bottles and wonder what the fuck Methylchloroisothiazolinone is.

Crusader1089
4
4 days ago

It's an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal agent.

Warden_Ryker
2
4 days ago

CIA or NSA?

JFunkX
277
4 days ago

Only if you're not getting enough fiber in your diet

KevinAtSeven
103
4 days ago

fiber

What?

Harry212001
161
4 days ago

Do you not eat your internet cables?

ilove2poop
60
4 days ago

I wish I had fiber internet I can eat.

jonitfcfan
34
4 days ago

Relevant username

Yvaelle
13
4 days ago

Instructions unclear.

Consumed 5 cats.

Send help.

frossenkjerte
4
4 days ago

Stop ordering Chinese.

El_Cookienator
19
4 days ago

FIBER

stickfigureenthusias
16
4 days ago

The only vegetable that the British eat is the deep-fried potato, also known as the "chips". The "chips" is traditionally combined with other deep-fried things, such as the "fish" or the "chicken".

postuk
8
4 days ago

Fibre

KeegorTheDestroyer
2
4 days ago

Fee-brey

fuzzypeter
5
4 days ago

Fibré

yedd
66
4 days ago

Learned this the hard way, its been crunch time at uni the last few weeks and my diet went to shit, it was like I was shitting tar. Reintroduced veggies and things have improved drastically

Impetus37
6
4 days ago

Ive had periods where i was completely unable to shit even though it was literally knocking on the door, had to use enema. Much better now

DoJax
6
4 days ago

The shits or getting the enemas in?

JFunkX
5
4 days ago

Nice! Also make sure you're drinking plenty of water as a lack of can exacerbate constipation

yedd
12
4 days ago

constipation wasn't the problem, my problems were on the other end of that particular spectrum, but thanks for your concern; I do drink plenty of water, thank god. I shudder at the thought of my situation if I hadn't.

bjason94
9
4 days ago

I get around 80-120g of fiber per day, i shit around 2-4 times per day. Fun stuff.

bakemeat
3
4 days ago

I eat loads of fiber daily and shit once every 3-4 days. Go figure.

JFunkX
2
4 days ago

As long as you're not eating anything super spicy the day before, 2-4 a day seems manageable and what you want. Good shit!

bjason94
3
4 days ago

Well the upside is that i spend less than 2 minutes in each trip as if i’m just taking a piss so it’s extremely manageable.

jsha11
8
4 days ago

Oh I would hate that, it's so much more satisfying having the pressure of a neutron star inside your anus which you unleash explosively and you can hear huge, deep sounding ploops where you know a huge one has just crash landed into the bowl

bjason94
2
4 days ago

Lol, been there done that, not my cup of tea. I used to shit blood because of how my shit was solid, not a fun experience. Plenty of fiber is the way to go my dude.

jsha11
2
4 days ago

Not fully solid, just solid enough that you need to generate some force before it slides out

bjason94
3
4 days ago

I mean you do you, but that's not healthy on the long term in regards of colon health. Colon cancer is no joke.

gandaar
2
4 days ago

Yesss I love a good efficient poop.

vCV1
2
4 days ago

I eat that much fiber and still usually poop only once.

Robotlolz
5
4 days ago

Or too much fibre

JFunkX
4
4 days ago

You're right! Wow, never knew the thing that helps with constipation can cause constipation if you get too much. It's true what they say, too much of anything, no matter how good, can be bad.

totomaya
4
4 days ago

I recently switched to a plant based diet and everything i eat has a shit ton of fiber in it. I have never had an easier time pooping, it's so nice. Just wanted everyone to know.

JFunkX
3
4 days ago

One of the many perks of eating healthy

stupodwebsote
3
4 days ago

Does Guinness and a Curry count as fiber?

Enlight1Oment
2
4 days ago

Taco Bell all the exercise I need

JFunkX
3
4 days ago
Flyberius
10
4 days ago

There it is!

atheistium
2
4 days ago

I read this with a Scottish accent in mind

It was worth it

analviolator69
2
4 days ago

Found Johnny Scoville's reddit account

Castun
2
4 days ago

I'm stretching my rectum!

shadowenx
2
4 days ago

Especially if you’re sweaty and exhausted by the end of it.

3thoughts
2
4 days ago

Making taking (the) piss the national sport, boom problem solved.

Basically what America did with making ketchup a vegetable...

entrylevel221
2
4 days ago

That's why "restroom" never made sense.

BetaInTheSheets
2
4 days ago

TIL I exercise 3 hours a week

W0LF_JK
615
4 days ago

“Those are rookie numbers”—American toilet users

MiltonMiggs
186
4 days ago

On toilet now, can confirm.

poopellar
61
4 days ago

Get back to flying the plane!

MiltonMiggs
35
4 days ago

Oh, shit!

CountDrewku
57
4 days ago

Yeah they're fat fucks just like the US now. It definitely didn't used to be like that but I've noticed they're becoming increasingly rotund.

El_Bistro
20
4 days ago

Pretty sure Americans weren’t always fat as fuck either. We’re just ahead of the curve.

waltjrimmer
15
4 days ago

I'm hoping that's declining. I'm seeing fewer fat people around, but as a fat person myself, I know from experience they might just be hiding where I can't see them.

asparagusface
5
4 days ago

Apparently basement dwelling is becoming easier and easier.

Nurgus
37
4 days ago

In the UK and patting u/nessager 's belly too, can confirm.

numpty12
61
4 days ago

On holiday in France and still able to pat u/nessager's belly, it is becoming an existential threat to the people of western Europe.

IcyAnteater
13
4 days ago

the combined rates of overweight+obese is similar, but the UK still has 30% fewer obese people.

syflox
2
4 days ago

Source?

mindctrlpankak
6
4 days ago

its a sign of wealth, sweetie.

Georgiafrog
41
4 days ago

I thought it was more a sign of poverty these days. Also that you eat too much and dont get enough exercise.

mindctrlpankak
17
4 days ago

Well no, but actually yes.

ripripripriprip
2
4 days ago

Wait that's illegal

SuperSMT
11
4 days ago

There's been a complete reversal in the symbolism of obesity

livefreeordont
5
4 days ago

The wealthier you are the more likely you are to go jogging

wtfzlolz
3
4 days ago

Which is surprising considering that it's likely difficult to eat that much with so few teeth.

PMyourself
21
4 days ago

100% accurate. It's almost noon and I'm past those numbers for today.

PMyourself
10
4 days ago

Update: going to poop again. Brb.

pappysassafras
12
4 days ago

If your phone’s power bar isn’t bendin’ you’re just pretendin’

Shardenfroyder
3
4 days ago

Rookie numbers or dookie numbers?

K3R3G3
3
4 days ago

UK rips on US all the time on reddit. This is our turn to laugh at them. Show me a source or I don't buy it. Hahaaa, toilet-dwelling out of shape Brits.

cheesedonutZ
3
4 days ago

American here.... as a father of three kids under 6 the bathroom is the only place I can have silence. I’m not poopin for the full 30 minutes, just don’t let my family know that.

Muellerr
2
4 days ago

Have IBS and American. Can confirm.

thewindburner
531
4 days ago

Anyone else duolingo while dropping a load?

BioChinga
473
4 days ago

Caca magnifico

nightcallfoxtrot
111
4 days ago

herrliche Scheiße

PinguWithAnM
36
4 days ago

존나 큰 똥

gandaar
31
4 days ago

Beaucoup de merdre

manmetmemmen
3
4 days ago

Lekker kakje

Ageeeen
55
4 days ago

Finna take a gangsta booboo.

FullyMammoth
22
4 days ago

Sorry I don't speak jive.

SimilarKale
5
4 days ago
young_and_baroque
49
4 days ago

Gotta get in your daily practice somewhere or Duo will destroy everything you care about.

bom_chika_wah_wah
2
4 days ago

I see this meme a lot, but my Duo hasn’t done anything like that. It’s always polite and respectful. Do I have the Canadian version or something?

Supra2JZGTTE
26
4 days ago

Si papi

SuperSMT
21
4 days ago

No way that owl's gonna come after you in there

Toastrz
10
4 days ago

You'd be surprised.

Mr_Ruski
3
4 days ago

Это наше яблоко

SOwED
5
4 days ago

Wait but you're named Mr Ruski...ты конечно знаешь больше чем «Это наше яблоко»

Mr_Ruski
2
4 days ago

Я из Нидерланды, а мой бабушка Украины. Блин.

I have been learning Russian by myself tho. I think i can manage for city trips to russian speaking countries.

Next to that i look pretty slavic.

SOwED
2
4 days ago

Ah gotcha.

I don't look Slavic at all and some people assumed I spoke fluently which I do not. You're going to have everyone thinking you're from there haha

Detective_Shrinkage
3
4 days ago

はい

GetCapeFly
2
4 days ago

James?

SnuffulPuff
2
4 days ago

No but I know what I’m doing next time I poop

Jgflight86
274
4 days ago

*raises hand*

Is mayonnaise an exercise?

Captainpanda55
25
4 days ago

BIG...

GoldenGonzo
27
4 days ago

IF...

CaptainBurgundy
23
4 days ago

*TRUE*

GreatEscapist
4
4 days ago

There are two captains in this chain! o7

drewlefever
6
4 days ago

MEATY...

skeleto333
5
4 days ago

CLAWS

tigersizedtiger
87
4 days ago

And exercise..

sh1t-p0st
2
4 days ago

And water

llIIllIIIIllll
5
4 days ago

AND MY AXE

TuesdayFuel
13
4 days ago

Until you mix it with high protein, then it’s just like a never ending cannon with massive cleanup

mr-dogshit
146
4 days ago

Who the fuck spends 25 minutes PER DAY sat on the toilet?

That figure wasn't taken from any kind of meaningful research, it's taken from a survey in which participants are asked to estimate the amount of time they spend on the toilet... IN HOURS.

In other words, participants are encouraged to give inaccurate estimates which they would invariably round to the nearest meaningful portion of an hour. Unsurprisingly, most participants (58%) gave the exact same answer as the example answer of "0.5 hours".

It's a classic example of a bad survey.

https://www.comresglobal.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ukactive-National-Fitness-Day-Survey-Data-Tables.pdf

RedTheDopeKing
47
4 days ago

Probably lots of people. I'll be in there for a good 5-10 minutes usually, per dump. Take a shit, check your phone, read half a chapter of your toilet book. We think you're the weirdos haha.

scottdawg9
10
4 days ago

You take 3-6 dumps per day??

undercooked_lasagna
34
4 days ago

Who the fuck spends 25 minutes PER DAY sat on the toilet?

Every single male I know except me. Apparently I'm the weird one for not needing half an hour to pinch a loaf.

doozywooooz
34
4 days ago

We don't take the entire half hour to poop. That's the first minute or less. The rest are memes

Nugget203
17
4 days ago

But then you're just sitting in your own shit smell, why do you do that

2tog
2
4 days ago

I get 2.2 my hourly rate after work hours. Nothing better than a dump during that time. And Reddit.

xAIRGUITARISTx
2
4 days ago

Well I shit minimum twice a day, so, me.

Ionicfold
2
4 days ago

Yeah, no this makes no sense at all.

To get an average of 25 minutes per day is insane. You need to have people who sit on the toilet for at least an hour per day to drag the majority of people who spend 5-15 minutes. Even then 15 minutes is pushing it.

NicolasGuacamole
25
4 days ago

That doesn't make any sense at all.

The average time an adult spends sneezing per week is presumably less than the average amount an adult spends exercising.

Ananasek123
3
4 days ago

It's still pretty surpsising to me. 3 hours on the toilet weekly is 25 minutes a day. I mean, what the fuck? It takes no more than 1 minute to handle all your toilet bussiness.

DotAGenius
28
4 days ago

Idk ive been here for like 8 minutes and counting already

SamIwas118
3
4 days ago

See we are so all unique.

SteelfireX
12
4 days ago

Look at Mr. quick pooper over here

gbeezy007
10
4 days ago

I would say not all humans are equally lucky to get it done in 1 minute. That's gotta be super rare. So many have terrible diets and or some small medical problem causing the 1 minute a day to not be possible.

Arkslippy
8
4 days ago

Lets be honest, if you're in and out in a minute and stinky, that's probably the medical condition right there.

madeyegroovy
8
4 days ago

I just assumed it’s from people procrastinating on their phones, it doesn’t surprise me that much

Arkslippy
6
4 days ago

You must be female, my wife goes from our living room to the toilet and back in 45 seconds. When i go, i pass by my dartboard an throw a few darts, pop into the bathroom, sit down, take out my phone, go on reddit do a few posts, have a poop, maybe scratch my balls a bit, have another poop, then wipe thoroughly, have another scratch, look at myself in the mirror, flush, wash hands, dry and open window, then leave. At least 10 minutes to 15, twice a day plus the morning constitutional.

Ananasek123
3
4 days ago

I'm just a guy who don't enjoy smell of my own poop. I guess I'm the weird one there :)

MysteriousDingle
4
4 days ago

I agree that 25 minutes a day is a lot... but 1 minute seems like not really enough time to get yourself properly clean.

durex112
2
4 days ago

You may consider washing hands, it may add another minute to the process

monkelus
71
4 days ago

I finally get to be greater than average. 3 hours? What is this, the Sunday league?

Iwanttoiwill
8
4 days ago

Yea if you're gonna brag you better back it up with some real numbers

lordZ3d
55
4 days ago

perfectly balanced, as all things should be

poopellar
21
4 days ago

snap

plop

BackseatONstar20
4
4 days ago

Lose that weight one way or another

changsaw
23
4 days ago

All the men who sit on the toilet and read for an hour for each dump are skewing the numbers. 😂

PurpleMonkeyFeet
17
4 days ago

The moral of the story: The average person deals with twice as much shit in life than good.

Try not to let it get you down. It’s only life and no one gets out of it alive.

canadiengene
3
4 days ago

Well shit.

wiithepiiple
17
4 days ago

What I skip the gym, no one says anything, but when I skip a bathroom visit, everyone looses their minds!

typeObloodsausage
8
4 days ago

If the average person spends 1.5 hours a week exercising, really it means 10% of the people exercise 15 hours a week and 90% don't do shit (well, they do shit, for 3 hours a week).

mc2377
9
4 days ago

I spend like 8 hours a week on the toilet but I do also work out for about 4 hours a week so the ratios still there

meatboat2tunatown
6
4 days ago

LOL no more 'murica fat burger jokes from the brits?

RedTheDopeKing
6
4 days ago

Lol easy slugger, lets see the American numbers on this.

Mister_IR
5
4 days ago

Cuz life is shit

ffxivthrowaway03
7
4 days ago

Three hours? What the fuck are they eating that they spend three hours a week shitting?

InfinityCircuit
6
4 days ago

Ever see a full English Breakfast? There's your answer.

Mulva9
4
4 days ago

These writers have clearly never experienced true constipation.

b5itty
5
4 days ago
Junkstar
5
4 days ago

I don't believe healthy people spend 3 hours a week on the toilet. No way. I also don't believe the British are all constipated. This doesn't smell right.

Philygoat
5
4 days ago

Because the average British adult is full of shit

moarbeers
3
4 days ago

Those are rookie numbers !!!!

looking4astronauts
2
4 days ago

TIL I’m British

TobaccoAficionado
4
4 days ago

Hold on.. Hold the fuck on... 3 hours? THREEFUCKINGHOURS? if I'm on my phone I'll spend a long time on the toilet. Like 5 to 7 minutes. I'd have to use the bathroom 4 times a day to hit 3 hours a week. That is an astronomical amount of time spent on the toilet. Either assholes must be so fucking crusty, or they have terrible diarrhea if they're on the toilet for more than 10 minutes at a time, or more than 3 times a day. How the fuck? I'm legit appauled.

And t hats the fucking average. that means that roughly half of people are spending more than 3 hours on the toilet each week.

Sent from myToilet

mordahl
4
4 days ago

Wait.. Time on the toilet doesn't count as exercising?

Shit, I'm even worse off than I thought..

Zeldahero
3
4 days ago
DarthHeyburt
3
4 days ago

I can guarantee I lose more weight doing the first one.

johnnynulty
3
4 days ago

not if you're doing it right

totalgej
3
4 days ago

1.5 hours a week on average seems pretty high. I think most people dont exercise at all. There must be a lot of people who exercise all the time to balance this

oblongmana
3
4 days ago

ITT: very smart people with very smart opinions who don't understand a) how averages work, and b) that IBS and other digestive disorders exist

greg-en
3
4 days ago

How do you know they ain't 'exercising' AND sitting on the loo at the same time?

lazy_jones
3
4 days ago

Put squat stands on the toilet (change to a squatting toilet) and you'll be fine.

erasmause
3
4 days ago

So what are they doing for the other 1.5 hours?

Dicethrower
3
4 days ago

If all kids who are overweight in the UK would jump up at the same time,
they'd finally get some exercise.

Medicius
3
4 days ago

Ha! I always knew brits were worthless! I'm the equivalent to 3 of them.

Unrealist99
3
4 days ago

Huh?? But I shit for two hours a day!

Gary_FucKing
2
4 days ago

Thanks for wrecking the turd curve!

Thatweasel
3
4 days ago

As someone who takes at minimum 30 minutes to take a dump and does so at least twice sometimes three times a day i want to know who these fucking wizards are that shit so quickly.

RallyPointAlpha
16
4 days ago

You need to go see a gastroenterologist my duder.

mafulazula
4
4 days ago

I seriously hope most of these people are just trying to be funny.

undercooked_lasagna
7
4 days ago

And as someone who pinches a loaf in under 60 seconds I'm wondering wtf is going on with you marathon shitters. As soon as my cheeks hit the seat that potty python starts coiling.

mafulazula
2
4 days ago

You're a true poet, sir!

supra728
4
4 days ago

How do you have so much poo that you do it more than once a day? I don't even do it some days.

snowcow
6
4 days ago

Everyone is different. Depends on your diet

Ionicfold
2
4 days ago

If that's not a sign for you to go to the doctors I don't know what is.

It takes me less than 5 minutes to shit, I probably only shit about 3 times a week.

MilesDryden
1
4 days ago

I mean...either way, you're losing weight.

revirded
3
4 days ago

3 hours wtf I am big guy this sounds like people are going to the bathroom and playing on their phone

Altaguy7
3
4 days ago

Does anyone else only take about a minute to poop?

chenery89
3
4 days ago

Math checks out. 3 / 1.5 = Number 2

jzhang172
3
4 days ago

3 hours? What the hell?

itschriscollins
2
4 days ago

So, we should be exercising on the toilet?

nysom2814
2
4 days ago

Thats some shitty news

the_eh_team_27
2
4 days ago

1.5 hours per week exercising is the AVERAGE?!! Holy hell, that's bad.

YesButConsiderThis
7
4 days ago

I mean is it really that bad? I run 2.5 miles every day which takes about twenty minutes. With one rest day, that’s barely two hours a week.

I’m actually surprised that number is as high as it is for an entire nation.

Durzo_Blintt
2
4 days ago

I know man, to think they are wasting an hour and a half every week.

jakobako
2
4 days ago

After a big session my shits count as exercise mate

kgeee34
2
4 days ago

I thought squatting was considered an exercise!?

Blazed_Banana
2
4 days ago

I work outside doing gardening so my exercise is a bit higher than that... and my poops haha

Bk7
2
4 days ago

With all the physical straining from a low fiber diet, I consider being on the toilet exercising.

havoc3d
2
4 days ago

Hey! Billy Mays here with the exciting new Pedal Potty! The latest breakthrough in potty technology!

koka86yanzi
2
4 days ago

What else are you supposed to do at work?

JonnyRocks
2
4 days ago

how many hours spent talkign about the weather?

thethingisidontknow
2
4 days ago

This is inspiring actually.

someGUYwithADHD
2
4 days ago

I spebd 10 hours or so a week exercising. And 1.5 hours pooping my brains out

ninjawatcherihateyou
2
4 days ago

How else are you meant to hide from work?

saucygit
2
4 days ago

Is there an average British adult? I guess the queen is rackin up penalties and free kicks.

zoidao
2
4 days ago

Women have to be bringing up the average significantly here right?

HeavyHuckleberry
2
4 days ago

I love a good shit waaaaay more than I love a run

capitan-pinga-loca
2
4 days ago

I’ve learned something today... I’m British!

eneeidiot
2
4 days ago

I'll go out on a limb and say that the Brits on Reddit are above average, so 6 hours on the throne and .75 exercising.

mn_sunny
2
4 days ago

Then that's 4.5 hours/week exercising. Not bad, Brits!

BARC0DE387
2
4 days ago

Damn what you niggas eating? It don’t take that long to shit or piss. Now exercising I can understand because it’s pure hell.

what_who_is_this
2
4 days ago

To be fair sometimes the time on the toilet is more of a work out then actually going to the gym....

_northernlights_
2
4 days ago

Got to work those abs.

CinematicUniversity
2
4 days ago

you can live without exercising

you can't live without sitting on the toilet checking reddit on your phone

JolteonLescott
2
4 days ago

*4.5 hours exercising

justavault
2
4 days ago

What? I take around 1min to shit and less to pee. How can someone spend like 25minutes on the toilette every day?

FlyingThunder2992
2
4 days ago

so in total 4,5 hours exercising

FugitiveFromHeaven
2
4 days ago

What are they doing for 3 hours? Contemplating BREXIT?

aso217
2
4 days ago

This is unfair to the people who work out and generous to people who have never worked out.

Everybody poops. Not everybody lifts.

Yozki
2
4 days ago

Dayyyyum, brits need some fiber.

GroggyOtter
2
4 days ago

Unless people are doing this as an excuse to get out of work, I can't fathom how you spend 25 min a day on the toilet.

Your butt cheeks and an XBox 360 would have a big trait in common... the red ring of death.

callmemacready
2
4 days ago

Went to the gym while back in England visiting family and no one re racks the weights or wipes down the machines after WTF

ajtrns
2
4 days ago

hmm... i squat to shit. i exercise and shit at the same time. along with at least two billion other people.

JuiceBusters
2
4 days ago

Give this to the squat toilet - it really is a form exercise, literally 'squats' (or at least 1 full squat is done) and I'd add a kind of 'Yoga' is performed and throw in some 'balancing practice' for whatever that is worth and depending how far away your toilet paper is lol

TofiCate
2
4 days ago

I don't see the correlation here. It's like saying "The average human adult spends around 5 hours a week driving, but only 2.5 hours a week eating." Like.. what??

Darierl
2
4 days ago

Some of us consider that exercise, especially with a diet consisting mostly of cheese.

nflfan98461
2
4 days ago

Fish n chips makes me crap too

YaBoiShadowNinja
2
4 days ago
chidoOne707
2
4 days ago

That’s not only the British, all who have smartphones do.

ChiefHunter1
2
4 days ago

On average? So that means there are a ton of people spending more than 3 hours on the toilet?

Bloodstealth
2
4 days ago

My boss makes a dollar

I make a dime

That's why I shit

On company time

Dokt_Orjones
2
4 days ago

Only 3 hours a week? Amateurs.

TannyBoguss
2
4 days ago

Crunches should count

max_mayhem
2
4 days ago

In Soviet Russia, shitting is exercise.