detectve17
5677
6 days ago

For those who don’t click..coppers thought it was gak.....aka meth.

Unleashtheducks
2619
6 days ago

I thought gak was like Nickelodeon slime

CntrllrDscnnctd
934
6 days ago

It’s the new and slightly more addictive Gak.

djlewt
438
6 days ago

Otherwise known as speed, crank, tweek, tina, chalk, go juice, no doze, pookie, rocket fuel, scooby snax, trash, anny, biker dope, spin spin sugar, talkie, zip, zoom, twack, shards, ice cream, hillbilly crack, 20/20, lily, rails, white lady, tweedle doo, rachet jaw, al qaida, or glass.

(only one of those is not real)

ReactsWithWords
450
6 days ago

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Meth Emporium!

Customer: Ah thank you my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

O: Peckish, sir?

C: Esuriant.

O: Eh?

C: 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!

O: Ah, withdrawls!

C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little Methamphetamine will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some methy comestibles!

O: Come again?

C: I want to buy some meth.

O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

O: Sorry?

C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!

O: So he can go on playing, can he?

C: Most certainly! Now then, some meth please, my good man.

O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

C: Well, eh, how about a little Speed.

O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Speed, sir.

C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Crank?

O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Tweek, if you please.

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Chalk?

O: Sorry, sir.

C: Go Juice?

O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

C: Ah. No Doze?

O: Sorry.

C: Pookie? Rocket fuel?

O: No.

C: Any Scooby Snax, per chance?

O: No.

C: Trash?

O: No.

C: Anny?

O: No.

C: Biker Dope?

O: No.

C: Talkie?

O: No.

C: Zip?

O: (pause) No.

C: Zoom?

O: No.

C: Twack?

O: No.

C: Shards, Ice Cream, Hillbilly Crack, 20/20?

O: No.

C: White Lady, perhaps?

O: Ah! We have White Lady, yessir.

C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.

C: Oh, I like it runny.

O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

C: No matter. Fetch hither the Meth de la Trailer Park! Mmmwah!

O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

C: What now?

O: The cat's eaten it.

C: (pause) Has he?

O: She, sir.

(pause)

C: Lily?

O: No.

C: Rails?

O: No.

C: Tweedle Doo?

O: No.

C: Ratchet Jaw?

O: No sir.

C: You... do have some meth, don't you?

O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a meth shop, sir. We've got-

C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

O: Fair enough.

C: Uuuuuh, Tina.

O: Yes?

C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Tina, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Spin Spin Sugar?

O: Uh, not as such.

C: Uuh, Glass?

O: No

C: Al Qaida?

O: Not -today-, sir, no.

(pause)

C: Aah, how about Blue Sky?

O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular meth in the world!

O: Not 'round here, sir.

C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular meth 'round hyah?

O: Getgo, sir.

C: IS it.

O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

C: Is it.

O: It's our number one best seller, sir!

C: I see. Uuh... Getgo, eh?

O: Right, sir.

C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

C: It's not much of a meth shop, is it?

O: Finest in the district sir!

C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

O: Well, it's so clean, sir!

C: It's certainly uncontaminated by meth.

O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Bathtub Crank, sir.

C: Would it be worth it?

O: Could be.

C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

O: Told you sir...

C: (slowly) Have you got any Bathtub Crank?

O: No.

C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:

O: Yessir?

C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any meth here at all?

O: Yes,sir.

C: Really?

(pause)

O: No. Not really, sir.

C: You haven't.

O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

O: Right-0, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)

C: What a senseless waste of human life.

Oblivionv2
51
6 days ago

Alright... this one has earned a crisp clean upvote from me

beht48
31
6 days ago

I read this whole thing aloud in a Scottish/English accent, respectively, and loved every second of it. Well done.

TheAxeofMetal
8
6 days ago

Scottish/English accent,

duh since it's a Monty Python parody.

enfanta
2
6 days ago

Hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

ReactsWithWords
2
6 days ago

I will never not upvote a Buckaroo Banzai reference.

nocontroll
12
6 days ago

That was a lot of thought and formatting considering

LazyLeaf86
4
6 days ago

Thank you.

AirheadAlumnus
2
6 days ago

Is your customer perhaps Ignatius J. Reilly?

ron_obvious
2
6 days ago

Epic reference!!!

meanieb
2
6 days ago

Good spot o the flying circus, well done sir and/or maddam, well done!

anderal
2
6 days ago

C: Well in that case... In that case what DO you have?

O: All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels

C: Ok I'll take that

Tervingi
258
6 days ago

I can't be the only one who saw the Joe Dirt fireworks scene while I was reading that list...

ImSidFromVA
126
6 days ago

Was waiting for a “with or without a scooter stick”

squirreltron
59
6 days ago

Not even a single whistling kitty chaser?

marcAnthem
36
6 days ago

Hüsker-Do's and Hüsker-Dont's, with or without the scooter stick

Mike_Oxoft
17
6 days ago

Snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.

Scientolojesus
9
6 days ago

Well there's your problemmmm....it's not what you like, it's the consumer...

atgrey24
5
6 days ago

Husker Dus, Husker Don'ts....

nancy_ballosky
26
6 days ago

Snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like

grantrules
24
6 days ago

why's a tree good? why's a sunset good? why's boobs good?

onbehalfofthatdude
4
6 days ago

It's not about you, it's about the consumer

Legsofwood
4
6 days ago

Snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like

MidgetSwiper
28
6 days ago

+High speed chicken feed

hotliquidbuttpee
7
6 days ago

Lol yup

PunkToTheFuture
2
6 days ago

I'm picturing a chicken that now has full flight capabilities. Meth powered flight yo.

SatisfiedSnek
30
6 days ago

White lady or white girl is 100% for cocaine

hugleit
10
6 days ago

Cause what do white girls loooove?

ProfessorTrauts
25
6 days ago

Uggs, Starbucks, and day drinking?

hugleit
3
6 days ago

Mooore than that

ThrowingMailboxes
6
6 days ago

Daddy issues?

hugleit
4
6 days ago

are we beating around the bush for comedic relief, or do you really just not know

Starts with coc, ends with aine

jableshables
2
6 days ago

BRUNCH

desertdungarees
2
6 days ago

Cardigans, LaCroix, and pink camo?

alkali112
4
6 days ago

Responsible use of psychoactive substances and taking appropriate safety measures when using drugs. And losing their phones as soon as they walk into a room.

Pure_Reason
2
6 days ago

Let’s have a drink for the lady in the white shoes. Take all your money, drink all your booze. Ain’t got no cherry, that ain’t no sin, but she still got the box the cherry come in

SubLemonal96
17
6 days ago

Now I wanna know which one isn't

piperiain
2
6 days ago

White lady is cocaine, not meth.

My_Username_24
18
6 days ago

One of these is not like the others!

anomalousgeometry
5
6 days ago

One of these meths is not the same!

MustardCumshot
16
6 days ago

spin spin sugar

can't be real

Emotional_Masochist
26
6 days ago

Sneaker Pimps song, but I dunno it's possible.

anomalousgeometry
7
6 days ago

Good album.

phathomthis
13
6 days ago

So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, roman candles, screaming mimis.
You don't got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick...or one single whistling kitty chaser?

CANTATA700
10
6 days ago

Is it tweedle doo?

I really hope it’s tweedle doo.

scootscoot
5
6 days ago

I’ve always heard 20/20 refer to maddog bum wine, and Scooby snacks as weed edibles.

Hazypanther
3
6 days ago

I’ll go with ice cream final answer

hotliquidbuttpee
5
6 days ago

Nahp, got offered ice cream just last week. Was like “lol nah bro, just the greens.”

shootingropesonface
2
6 days ago

Ice cream is a real term for meth.

IsomDart
2
6 days ago

Nope ice cream is definitely slang for meth. That's what I always used to call it. Ice is a common name for crystal meth and saying ice cream isn't very suspicious if anyone overhears you.

gruthunder
3
6 days ago

is it al qaida? I would say scooby snax but that sounds exactly what somebody would call meth.

HalfFlip
2
6 days ago

Dont forget scante!

Blakjak92
2
6 days ago

Tweedle do, tweedle donts

PopcornPlayaa_
2
6 days ago

Is it al qaida?

Discuslover129
2
6 days ago

....is it al qaida?

cheeseIsNaturesFudge
2
6 days ago

No doze is off the shelf stimulants in Australia, so that'd be my bet, but I'm sure meth is even better for the job.

buthidae
2
6 days ago

I’m sure there’s plenty of both backstage at the Kids’ Choice Awards.

Afa1234
2
6 days ago

I dunno GAK was pretty big when I was a kid.

paracelsus23
2
6 days ago

I'm in my 30s and I still get cravings for nick slime.

damian001
50
6 days ago

Nah, Nickelodeon Gak is the toy slime they sell that you're not supposed to pour over your heard. I learned this the hard way. It's not the same as Nickelodeon slime.

jigglywigglywiener
8
6 days ago

Don’t leave me hanging what happened ?

CarterRyan
18
6 days ago

He died.

aintmybish
9
6 days ago

[X-Files theme intensifies]

Woeisbrucelee
2
6 days ago

It gets really really stuck in hair. I saw a friend do it once.

coyote_den
2
6 days ago

Fun fact: Nickelodeon used real scraps in the first few episodes of the shows where kids got slimed.

Yeah, buckets of food waste... sitting under the hot studio lights for who knows how long.

Shippoyasha
10
6 days ago

Gak really reminds me of the Nickelodeon golden years before they decided to destroy their entire catalog and stop programming for teens. (it's for younger children nowadays)

chivesr
10
6 days ago

It was both, that’s why Nick had to stop using the slime because all the kids getting slimed became addicted to meth

Bigred2989-
4
6 days ago

I thought that was that worm dish Klingons love.

perlandbeer
2
6 days ago

I thought Gak was a Klingon dish.

tighter_wires
2
6 days ago

I thought of Gak Attack from early 2000’s rathergood.com

Jay_shizzle
2
6 days ago

I used to own Gak. I ruined my great grandfather's hat with it. I still feel bad about that.

HappyHurtzlickn
2
6 days ago

Deep cut sir/ma’am

AgentTimex
2
6 days ago

One time when I was on acid I took alllll of the tiny little Styrofoam balls out of a can of Nickelodeon Floam.

SirPouncesCock
101
6 days ago

Gak is slang for heroin. As for the nickelodeon slime it is allegedly no coincidence. The staff were into drugs and slipped that by the network execs as an inside joke, if the stories are to be believed.

grow23
76
6 days ago

I've never heard heroin referred to as gak. Ive seen mainly on the internet gak used synonymously with methamphetamines but never a real live person.

Kind of like I have nwvee heard a real person call cocaine nose candy or anything called goofballs... Only on tv.

bruceyj
27
6 days ago

I mean I’ve definitely heard cocaine referred to as yay, yak, nose clams, etc... so nose candy isn’t too far off.

Good_ApoIIo
16
6 days ago

Isn’t “nose clams” straight from IASIP?

Irl_Guile
14
6 days ago

Man I remember when blow was called white girl lol

_quote
4
6 days ago

Still called that actually

strange1738
4
6 days ago

Still called white and girl

drspicespicycola
2
6 days ago

white girl on me

benthejammin
5
6 days ago

Don't forget booger sugar.

SirPouncesCock
10
6 days ago

To my knowledge it was older west coast slang in the 80-90s I’ve never heard it used in real life. I’m also 25 so could just be internet bullshit

lowercaset
20
6 days ago

An ex-junkie I work with has many times (when telling stories of his dark days) paused to explain that gak to him specifically refers to "biker meth".

SirPouncesCock
6
6 days ago

Huh well TIL. Thanks for informing me while not being an asshole.

ohyeahsoundsgood
7
6 days ago

Booger sugar?

swellomemello
2
6 days ago

Was just about to respond such!!

hb1219
2
6 days ago

That's funny!

Hondros
2
6 days ago

As an ex avid coke head I called it snow, yay, nose candy, booger sugar, gas, pepsi, skiing, hitting the slopes, and a few other things as well.

PoopNoodle
2
6 days ago

Riding the rails is what we said.

savetheunstable
2
6 days ago

Goofballs was used rather frequently in the 90s in SoCal anyway. My older friends still fondly refer to them time to time.

But I've never heard any drugs referred to as gak before this thread, and never heard anyone say 'nose candy' outside of TV or movies.

S2king
2
6 days ago

Ex meth abuser and daily amphetamine salt taker (legally) and had a summer long daily habit of coke; I certainly called it nose candy from time to time, and booger sugar for sure. Stop gatekeeping.

grow23
2
6 days ago

I'm going to have to look up gatekeeping now

andthendirksaid
2
6 days ago

Goofballs is real. Way back in the day it was about pills and these days it's meth and heroin shot at the same time, a play on speedball.

ex_nihilo
90
6 days ago

That is yak or yay. I have never heard meth referred to as gak though. Usually crank, ice, crystal, or just meth.

dewayneestes
30
6 days ago

Or yayo.

ElBroet
17
6 days ago

But then what do I call this yellow mayonaise I have?

muskateeer
36
6 days ago

Mustard

BananaDick_CuntGrass
2
6 days ago

Lmao. God damn it.

AdultishRaktajino
10
6 days ago

Stinko de Mayo?

Phlobot
3
6 days ago

Old

ronan3819
5
6 days ago

How about I have Ramon staple your tongue to your chin? What you think about that?

YaboiMuggy
4
6 days ago

That's made with psycoid leaves not cocaine

orangeheadwhitebutt
2
6 days ago
theknyte
5
6 days ago

I just learned this thanks to The Grand Tour, and "Global Auto Kings" in Columbia.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy---
2
6 days ago

I've heard gak as coke in the US too. My group of friends calls particularly large lines "gakkers" and occasionally will say we're "gakked" when on cocaine.

AngusYep
2
6 days ago

My friends would call a large line "a bollock buster slug", gakker is far quicker!

SeeYouSpaceCowboy---
2
6 days ago

I dunno, I think i like yours better haha

ex_nihilo
1
6 days ago

I should have known from the use of “coppers”.

rearnakedjoker
8
6 days ago

I thought yak was cognac.

ex_nihilo
3
6 days ago

I mean, I don’t see why it can’t be.

Microsoft790
2
6 days ago

Here in phoenix it’s commonly called gak depends on the area.

A_McCoy
2
6 days ago

Girl

HellsPopcorn
2
6 days ago

Yup, Cokes Girl and Heroins Boy up here in the NE

VandilayIndustries
4
6 days ago

This guy gaks

ThatSmallFighter
2
6 days ago

What about the bronzes?

Ian_uhh_Malcom
1
6 days ago

Must have watched too much breaking bad.

OsonoHelaio
2226
6 days ago

Eli5 how could cops possibly mistake jolly ranchers for meth?

PM-Me-Nickels
2003
6 days ago

Field drug test kits throw false positives on an amazing list of common items including sugar.

paxweasley
1195
6 days ago

Man it’s a really good thing that sugar doesn’t ever look like cocaine right?

Imagine if it came in a powder! ....

HotSatin
304
6 days ago

they better not ever make a drug that looks like bacon.

BoojumG
196
6 days ago

If you have bacon on you that just means you haven't eaten it. What are you waiting for?

HotSatin
76
6 days ago

um ... more bacon?

GiveToOedipus
78
6 days ago

Arrest this man for possession of unconsumed bacon.

Mr_Abe_Froman
4
6 days ago

I couldn't imagine having such restraint

Codtay56
3
6 days ago

I have called the pigs to investigate the felony offense

2meterrichard
3
6 days ago

Sweet! More bacon.

Alexstarfire
3
6 days ago

The most heinous of crimes.

MrCheapskate_toyou
3
6 days ago

Nah. Just beat the shit out of him and take his bacon. Then let's hit up an IHOP.

Stahl_Scharnhorst
2
6 days ago

Injustice!

ACrispyPieceOfBacon
2
6 days ago

I'll take it from here, citizen.

HotSatin
2
6 days ago

that's NOT how our society works. the cops would arrest the bacon, of course. i know i would.

Loook partner! We confiscated 5 lbs of bacon!

Hey, chief, my partner confiscated 4 lbs of bacon!

OK, clerk, I'm checking in the 3 lbs of bacon they confiscated today ...

GiveToOedipus
2
6 days ago

What if it's Canadian?

HotSatin
2
6 days ago

you're just tryna ham it up

FrodoSagginsz
3
6 days ago

The transient property of bacon is that uneaten bacon will likely attract more bacon.

HotSatin
2
6 days ago

i've never been able to test that theory. the bacon never survives long enough.

labink
3
6 days ago

Does this mean that Jolly Ranchers really are legal in New York?

Never-enough-bacon
2
6 days ago

That goes without saying.

-FeistyRabbitSauce-
3
6 days ago

Eggs, obviously.

milkycigarette
2
6 days ago

This is true. I'll convince myself not to buy bacon if I know I'm gonna be lazy and not cook it as soon as i get home.

phathomthis
2
6 days ago

Costco. You can get huge pack of precooked bacon for like $12. Eat it straight out of the package, use it in other food, throw it in the microwave for hot fresh bacon in seconds. It's amazing. There's like 5 pounds worth of uncooked bacon in a package of cooked bacon and it's delicious. Just be lazy and put the pack of bacon on your lap while you're on Reddit, no need to cook, just enjoy bacon whenever you want bacon.

YOU'RE WELCOME

FunnyMan3595
2
6 days ago

I'm using it to contact Ford Cruller, of course.

Jay_shizzle
2
6 days ago

Eggs.

ohcrapitssasha
2
6 days ago

If i eat the bacon now, Ford won't be able to find me.

DOLCICUS
2
6 days ago

Typically a dog or a dawg to share it with.

robertEleeprewitt
5
6 days ago

They did it's called bacon. The whole block slanging pork belly.

Never-enough-bacon
2
6 days ago

Who says it doesn't exist already. ;)

nick2k23
2
6 days ago

Bacon is the drug

istillhearvoices
2
6 days ago

bacon IS a drug!

theknyte
116
6 days ago

What about Powdered Sugar, aka Confectioner's Sugar? Hmmm?

Evolved_Velociraptor
37
6 days ago

It's still really isn't that similar aside from it's a white powder. You know how people crush up coke and cut it with razors and shit in movies? Coke just isn't the same consistency as powdered sugar. You'd get better results using powdered lactose as a decoy.

Edit: I mean, you could probably pass powdered sugar off as cocaine if it wasn't really inspected. But powdered sugar is a bit too powdery to hold up to any real scrutiny.

DookieShoez
63
6 days ago

Jee whiz, this guy sure does know a lot about cocaine huh 🤔

GiveToOedipus
69
6 days ago

He just likes the smell of it is all.

FauxReal
2
6 days ago

I didn't realized Eric Clapton was on Reddit.

GloGangOblock
23
6 days ago

I swear officer it’s just powered lactose

Alpha_God001
3
6 days ago

Im serious it was a powdered donut

oxyaus__
2
6 days ago

Powdered sugar is mixed with powdered starch, which is pretty close to flour lol.

--redacted--
13
6 days ago

And of course powdered sugar is more... powdered

chewablebook
12
6 days ago

Have you never baked? Confectioner’s sugar, or powdered sugar is definitely a more refined powdery consistency.

frozentomato29
5
6 days ago

I don’t really eat a lot of baked goods. Powdered sugar isn’t something I’ve used enough in my life for it to pop right into my head. But yes I realize that powdered sugar is a lot more like cocaine.

MaximumSample
8
6 days ago

What about icing sugar?

selggu
4
6 days ago

Or like.... powdered sugar

baiger
2
6 days ago

I have to admit that I really enjoyed sniffing stevia powder. Got some in my nose by accident when handling a bottle of those tablets. Sweet.

WhiteAdipose
2
6 days ago

I mean jolly ranchers and meth aren’t really the same consistency either.. and meth certainly does not smell like fruit candy

chrystalll
2
6 days ago

Caster sugar, which is between the consistency of granular sugar and powdered sugar, is nearly exactly the consistency of cocaine.

resisting_a_rest
30
6 days ago

I'm sure it was an honest mistake. The police would never lie to cover their ass, you know, so they can not be accused of an unlawful arrest.

Cops have great instincts, so even if they have no proof that you did what they said you did, they will still arrest you for it and know they are right, evidence will turn up eventually. If not, they can just let you go 24 hours later with no repercussions for essentially kidnapping you.

If you end up suing, the taxpayers will gladly give up a large sum of money to pay for their supposed misdeed (which they did not do, of course, they never do anything wrong). They will probably also get a payed vacation, so it's all good.

kimmykim328
41
6 days ago

Customs tested my cranberry (UTI) pills to be meth... got a fine and that result permanently attached to my name. Will be searched every time I come back internationally into the US. They refused to believe me.

Jay_shizzle
15
6 days ago

Surely you could fight that in court? I once got arrested for weapons possession for having a fishing knife. I challenged it and won. Or is it different because it's customs?

ChicagoGuy53
13
6 days ago

Customs has insane leeway compared to police so a simple charge is enough to be flagged forever.

Jay_shizzle
4
6 days ago

To be flagged, maybe, but surely she could have fought the fine in court?

hurrrrrmione
3
6 days ago

Did you just have them loose in a bag or something?

Hulgar
2
6 days ago

Wait, so you got fine for meth possession?

ponyboy414
35
6 days ago

It’s almost like the war on drug is used to disenfranchise the poor instead of actually combating the drug problem.

ghaelon
23
6 days ago

or air. or an unopened kit. totally unreliable

Hshbrwn
21
6 days ago

Huh I guess the story I read a while back about donut icing getting a guy arrested for meth makes more sense.

OneMoreAccount4Porn
11
6 days ago

I'm sure I read the same about a guy and cat litter. I'm also sure I remember the same story about an elderly couple and candy floss.

iamspambot
17
6 days ago

I used ginger ale as fake pee for a drug screen during a demonstration and it showed as positive for meth and something else (ecstasy or PCP or something, but I remember it wasn't weed or cocaine). I was pretending to be on drugs for this demonstration but not those ones.

legaceez
14
6 days ago

Funny thing is in the article they lied about even doing the field test to begin with. Forget about false positives when you can just outright lie about it...

And then they lied about claiming there was a positive field test...like the audacity of these crooked cops lol

DivergingApproach
4
6 days ago

Every time this comes up, it's a distortion of the truth. The false positives are from improper use. The test kit has several tests that have to be executed in a certain order. If steps are skipped, then results are meaningless.

The kits are proven to work when used correctly. Unfortunately, some people don't like to read the giant flow chart that comes with these kits and skip to the last test.

magicpoopsxx
5
6 days ago

Wow I never expected myself watching a Samantha Bee clip

Adorable_Scallion
2
6 days ago

They also lied about doing a test

whodatbrown
2
6 days ago

Why in the fuck did the audience start laughing when that former prosecutor said they identified over 100 cases where the accused was innocent of drug possession and took a plea deal? I got so mad I closed the video.

CobaltFresco
2
6 days ago

Wow, don't the gelitain capsules that are over pills contain a good amount of sugar meaning that mostly anything pill like will tick off the kits.

theangriestant
2
6 days ago

That makes me so mad. I have no words. Beyond messed up that this happens and nobody really cares.

clayt6
2
6 days ago

Thanks for sharing this. I'm usually not a big fan of Samantha Bee, but that was a really good segment. I had no idea you could plea out without lab results coming back. That's fucked

Cynfia-Drangus
2
6 days ago

I worked security forces as one of my collateral duties (I did this instead of standing watch) in the Navy on a base in California. We had bomb test kits that we played around with while we were trained on how to use it. During training, we swabbed hundreds of random items we could find and everything tested positive for plastic explosives. They did it again for the next class on random things and again plastic explosives. We told the command how they were faulty but they doubled down on their shitty purchase because the base commanders brother was the VP of the company who made them or some shit, and told us to use them on every inspection. So in the field when we would do random vehicle inspections, everyone tested positive for guess what, plastic explosives. We all knew it was useless and let them through. But months later one of the new sailors didn’t get the memo or was never trained on it and drew his weapon on a 50+ year old woman for testing positive for plastic explosives. After that incident they were finally replaced.

little-red-turtle
2
6 days ago

Recently a man here in Sweden was in jail for a few weeks just because the drug test showed positive on heroine. But it was just ordinary cheese.

It made me wonder how many people has been convicted for drug crimes with false results.

DANarchy1919
2
6 days ago

A cop put my xanax (legally prescribed) in a field test and I got arrested for possession of methamphetamine. He even says he used his field test kit in the police report. My lawyer got that dropped.

2nd_Tinder_Date
2
6 days ago

Added sugar, high fructose corn syrup is basically drug. Fking addictive

OhioanRunner
2
6 days ago

So what you’re telling me is that these tests can tell me that a park bench isn’t made of drugs, but they can’t tell me whether a random bag of white powder is or is not drugs?

How do these have a market? This makes them sound like mail order x-ray glasses from the 1970s.

teenagesadist
719
6 days ago

Their job is to catch criminals. If you can make someone appear to be a criminal, and catch them, it makes your job that much easier.

Betty2theWhite
363
6 days ago

If you do it enough you'll saturate the lawyers case load making them more expensive, if the cost of tuition is completely unaffordable for even an undergrad degree the lawyer to cases ratio will always be in favor of the lawyer, stagnate wages will further decrease the criminals ability to afford said lawyer. Eventually you have the perfect storm for screwing over the poor. Now your job isn't to catch criminals, your job is to not confuse rich people for poor people. Here's your badge, don't screw up rookie.

drteq
66
6 days ago

Fuck.

monkeypie1234
55
6 days ago

Eventually you have the perfect storm for screwing over the poor

Not sure if you intended to make this point, but you are right in that the poor get screwed over in the justice system. But this is not because the rich have their own "separate" system where sentences are more lenient.

No, there is just one legal system. That in itself, is probably worse. The greatest injustice is that the poor do not have access to the best legal resources.

I know analogies are terrible for logical points, but the best way to describe it is to imagine the justice system as a race that everyone goes through. The problem is that some people have access to better trainers and equipment. You probably can't win when on a three wheeled skateboard (the poor) when trying to race someone in a F1 Car (the rich).

Betty2theWhite
37
6 days ago

Show me one scenario where a rich white woman gets the same sentence as a poor black man when either they both plead guilty or a jury has found both guilty, and then .... I still won't believe you because honestly I'm pretty sure I'd have atleast 10,000 cases that prove that was a fluke. But regardless, show me that scenario, I'm really curious as to whether you can.

Edit: I'm afraid that last sentences sounds too confrontational, I'm generally curious I want to know if some one can show me that.

andrew_calcs
26
6 days ago

It’s both. This is certainly a factor, but lobbying and legislative influence get the laws written to be light on white collar crime, even though the amount of harm is several magnitudes larger.

[deleted]
49
6 days ago

[removed]

Mechasteel
61
6 days ago

Soft on crime, tough on criminals.

Way too many people don't realize that being tough on criminals increases crime rate, and is therefore the same as being soft on crime. A truly tough on crime person would focus on proven strategies to reduce crime, such as helping former convicts get and keep a job, house, education, and the like.

bukkakesasuke
35
6 days ago

Because they care about vengeance and feeling self righteous more than they care about reducing crime

snowclone130
2
6 days ago

More like they are heavily incentivised to arrest anyone for anything. Promotions are based on high profile felony arrests, thier pay and funding is based on case load and closure rates.

If police were actually guaranteed promotions based on seniority or community involvement, and funded based on the number of police and the population and not at all incentivised to close cases or make arrests it would solve a lot of problems.

EveryNameIWantIsGone
4
6 days ago

Stagnant you mean?

Betty2theWhite
16
6 days ago

Hey listen buddy, my inability to communicate properly is a byproduct of our terrible school systems. If you want me to use better words vote for folks who will fund public education and lower tuition costs of higher edgumacation. Alright?

lacksfish
3
6 days ago

Great summary of American street police

Eric_the_Barbarian
55
6 days ago

Everything looks like a nail to a hammer.

Betty2theWhite
3
6 days ago

Unless is a sledge hammer, then it was never looking for a nail in the first place.

Also why isn't their an analogy about how most things can be used as a hammer if you really need to pound a nail?

hidden_raptor
2
6 days ago

That's not usually how that quote goes.

"To a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail" or even better "When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" are the more common ones. They don't attribute sentience to a hammer.

Although I'm just being pedantic and obviously knew what you meant. So no big deal.

feanor0815
2
6 days ago

everybody is a criminal if you're a cop!

DO_AC_87
3
6 days ago

And oddly enough, they’re the biggest criminals out there.

Esc_ape_artist
12
6 days ago

Sometimes you catch them first, then make them appear to be a criminal.

MikeJudgeDredd
93
6 days ago

I'll take racist for $200 Alex

Vexiratus
24
6 days ago

Here's your question: "What six letter adjective do you use to describe a person who discriminates against a group of people based on their race?"

MtnMaiden
2
6 days ago

...as an Asian, I would always get nervous when teacher read aloud Shakespear in class. One of those plays they say "chink in the wall", and would always get nervous.

orangeheadwhitebutt
3
6 days ago

Also, "chigger in the woodpile." A what in the woodpile?

Yitram
11
6 days ago
Unabatedtuna
2
6 days ago

Copper

Jay_shizzle
2
6 days ago

Police?

MuphynManIV
4
6 days ago

Even racists aren't this stupid.

phuchmileif
25
6 days ago

I mean, you had me up until the last part. That was the point I wanted to get across: remember, people, there are doctors and lawyers that are dumb. Fuckin' certifiable. Work on down to your blue collar professions, and you'll find plenty of smart people, but also a whole lot of dumb ones. And dumb people (sometimes even average or somewhat-intelligent people) often achieve professional competency via rules and regulations. These are people with no innate problem-solving skills. They solve via flow chart. Their big intellectual accomplishment for the day was just finding the flow chart and putting it to use.

You take some people like that, give them a test kit, maybe even a brief class and some bullshit certification, and tell them to test stuff. Test anything you're suspicious of. Better to be sure rather than just not test it, right? 'If it comes back positive, here's how you document it and arrest them...'

Hanlon's razor, man. I hate cops as much as anyone, but the majority of them are decent people. Yes, in a profession with relatively low physical and mental standards, which one might assume attracts bullies of all sorts...I would still argue that most of them are decent folks that mean you no harm.

MSsucks
30
6 days ago

I get what you're saying, but the cops never actually field tested the candy. They lied and said they did, so they could arrest the guys. These guys are definitely not the ones that are decent and don't wish anyone harm.

phuchmileif
3
6 days ago

Shit, I should read better.

..point still stands. LOL. Exception to prove the rule, or some bullshit like that...

dayungbenny
2
6 days ago

Really enjoyed your point and appreciate your willingness to realize when it didn’t apply here specifically. Good discussion on Reddit makes it worth looking at.

klxklx
3
6 days ago

Sure, but 99.9% of lawyers and doctors are not dumb.

You usually don't get accepted into law/med school if you're dumb.

You usually don't graduate from med/law school if you are dumb.

However, in a lot of places, you only need a high school diploma to become a cop.

orangeheadwhitebutt
2
6 days ago

While I would certainly expect the average lawyer or doctor to be smarter than the average cop (or even the average person), you'd need a pretty strict bar of "dumb" to say 99.9%. Seriously, walk downtown and talk to some doctors about anything outside of their field of expertise, and you'll find a dumb doctor before the day is up.

I mean, Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon, and a fantastic one at that. Guy has procedures named after him. Ben Carson. Watch him talk or even try to parse information and you'd swear the guy has an IQ of 72.

klxklx
2
6 days ago

Ben Carson may be just as dumb as politics as you are probably to brain surgery.

One of the reasons why the anti-vaccine movements exist is because this kind of talk leads to people thinking they are smarter than doctors.

FPSXpert
88
6 days ago

A guy in Houston got arrested for a bag of kitty litter in a sock in his car. It was placed there to keep moisture out of the interior, cars fog up at night like you wouldn't believe otherwise. Instead of the officer not bothering him over it for keeping his driving safe, the guy was arrested because "oh we think it's meth"

OsonoHelaio
32
6 days ago

That's a great idea, I've been having dampness issues in my car. And I don't live in Houston or NY so I shouldn't have cop trouble from it.

FleetingFox
5
6 days ago

I've had pretty good success with Damp Rid, only issue is keeping it from spilling.

sl0play
3
6 days ago

Exactly this. It's great for keeping in a car or RV you won't be using but unless you have something to secure it the bucket will tip over in a 2mph turn.

FleetingFox
3
6 days ago

I keep mine in the armrest compartment while I'm driving, pull it out when I park.

KayaKarma
3
6 days ago

Put it in a sock and tie that shit up!

This pro tip provided by: an old hippy telling me about putting gold bond in an old sock, tying it up, and beating his nuts with it.

YMMV

AardvarkArc
4
6 days ago

Oh THEY know...

electricblues42
17
6 days ago

Surprise surprise, an unaccountable state enforced gang abuses their power. Water is wet, more at 11.

Jay_shizzle
2
6 days ago

I read about this in a TIL right here. Poor bastard didn't even know about the kitty litter because his dad put it there.

Ravenna
65
6 days ago

Easy! These are the same cops that thought the spaghettiOs were meth.

CrazyPretzel
28
6 days ago

Wait.... Am I missing something? Is this an actual incident or a meta I've missed?

Ravenna
35
6 days ago

It's an actual case.

PorchSittinPrincess
7
6 days ago

Link?

shapeshade
25
6 days ago

Here you go

eddmario
6
6 days ago

Holy fuck that website is HORRIBLE on mobile...

PM_ME_UR_LIPZ
5
6 days ago

She probably deserved it, what kind of animal eats spaghettiOs in the car?

ShadowGamerr
3
6 days ago

The same that eats cereal while driving

shapeshade
2
6 days ago

Probably someone using some kind of drug, but not meth

LightningEdge756
18
6 days ago

Yeah I know right! Everyone knows that the main thing that Jolly Ranchers resemble is gonorrhea!

Johndough99999
18
6 days ago

I'm gonna break your arms for making me think about that.

Nadul
4
6 days ago

Had to scroll considerably further than I expected for this.

LightningEdge756
2
6 days ago

Oops

Xraptorx
2
6 days ago

Where’s mom?

chiefsfan_713_08
12
6 days ago

I know it's no excuse but some crazy fucks like to kept their jolly ranchers unwrapped in a zip topbag. Idk why it's the weirdest shit but I've seen multiple people do it lol

PM_ME_UR_LIPZ
18
6 days ago

Maybe because jolly rancher wrappers are the WORST and regularly get stuck to the candy and rip and leave wrapper all over the candy.

chazchaz101
2
6 days ago

If the wrappers are sticking, they've probably been sitting around somewhere and gone soft.

hidden_raptor
3
6 days ago

Whatever happened to the jolly rancher flat stick shape. That used to be the norm and these days it is just those tiny individual things.

I guess you can get them online now but as a kid every store had them.

Those things always sharpened into a very pointy point.

OsonoHelaio
1
6 days ago

Lol that is weird

q25t
5
6 days ago

According to the article there was supposed to be an undercover guy who saw them apparently doing a drug deal and so the cops stop the two and search them. They must have drugs on them since they were just seen "buying drugs" so they found whatever they could. I didn't see anything corroborating there actually was an undercover agent but according to their story this makes sense (sort of) to me.

Damen_aka_Ron_Ron
2
6 days ago

Police Officers Jermaine Taylor and Jovanny Calderon handcuffed the men and claimed that an undercover colleague had observed them selling drugs, the court papers state.

The undercover cop saw them selling drugs, not buying drugs. Considering that the police lied about a drug field test testing positive for the jolly ranchers being drugs, I wouldn't be surprised if the undercover cop lied about them selling drugs just to have reasonable cause for clothed officers to stop the men and arrest them on fake charges.

feminas_id_amant
3
6 days ago

My meth once tested positive for jolly ranchers, so I can see how there was a mix-up.

speakofthesedevils
2
6 days ago

They did not do a field drug test, despite what some non-readers are saying. Who knows how the fuck they mistook it for meth. For all we know the cops could have known damn well it wasn't meth and were literally just fucking with some guys for looking a certain way. Apparently one of the cops punched one of the guys in the face too.

DongyKong64
1
6 days ago

Because the suspects weren’t white people.

darkdoppelganger
1131
6 days ago

The city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn't be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy

Admitted no wrongdoing. Can't tell the difference between hard drugs and candy.

Easter is just a few weeks away - this could get ugly.

sfzen
383
6 days ago

"It's not their fault they're incompetent and untrained." ~ the city responsible for their training

Betty2theWhite
175
6 days ago

"Well shit, maybe we should have body cams then?" - rational people.

"You don't trust the cops?! listen buddy body cams would make it harder for them to do their jobs, we stand by our boys in blue." - non rational people

sonofaresiii
35
6 days ago
Betty2theWhite
5
6 days ago

I wish that website provided context for the numbers. I'm not from new york so I kind of figured 2000 would be enough. How many damn cops are there?

saintofhate
4
6 days ago

'If you haven't done anything wrong, you don't have anything to fear' - people who have never actually encountered a cop power tripping.

I had one get hostile with me when I flagged him down to ask how to get help for my suicidal brother because I call the cop 'Buddy'.

dakotathehuman
134
6 days ago

"With Halloween just around the corner, police are cracking down on any department stores that seem to be selling any hard drugs!"

"Twizzlers eh...? I'm sure you'd like us to think that, but where you're going THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RIGHTS!!"

AlecBaldwinner
7
6 days ago

Say hi to Big Bob!

dakotathehuman
4
6 days ago

This guy gets it!!!

lqku
2
6 days ago

Hope you like extra mayo

john_jdm
60
6 days ago

They can't have it both ways. In court it came out that they never ran any tests. Either they need the expertise to identify these drugs on sight or they need to run the tests. Just arresting people willy-nilly is not acceptable. So either way they have done some wrong.

r3dditor10
40
6 days ago

they couldn't be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy

So are they going to arrest owners of every candy store, gas station, and grocery store in town?

Betty2theWhite
42
6 days ago

"Hey kid want some candy" - guy in van

"thanks mister"- kid

"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST" - same guy from van

Legion299
11
6 days ago

inb4 pedo vans are replaced with cop vans trying to make some dough

puesyomero
28
6 days ago

Admitted no wrongdoing. Can't tell the difference between hard drugs and candy.

just outside the store they came out of called "ITS SUGAR" in big bold pink letters. this is Onion material.

PublicFurryAccount
15
6 days ago

TBF, it is hard candy.

SavingStupid
6
6 days ago

Well if police were allowed to taste test it like the good old days there wouldn't be a damn problem

/s

shadygravey
6
6 days ago

Police academies these days only acutely train the cops olfactory senses to detect the

"Distinctive odor of Marijuana wafting from the (vehicle) (home) (perpetrator)"

.. And unfortunately the result is the inability of the cops to detect all other smells. This is why K9 units have become such a staple in the police force, as they are their.. Smelling nose dogs.

Sign my petition to end police smell blindness today.. Together we can help them sniff again.

Gustomaximus
4
6 days ago

The city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn't be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy

No sure, how about you give the benefit of the doubt and let them walk then... you lack of knowledge does not come at the price of other peoples freedom.

Can we please just decriminalise small amounts of drugs so cops are forced to focus on bigger crimes.

Straziilgoth
2
6 days ago

If only there was some kind of test that could indicate if something was a drug or not. Hmmm

samstown23
2
6 days ago

They couldn't be sure... whatever happened to the presumption of innocence?!

celas001
-1
6 days ago

I mean, couldn't you just, you know, give them a sniff and a lick? You'd learn pretty damned quick that it was just candy.

LucasRuby
18
6 days ago

No. You don't lick random stuff you think might be drugs, especially now that fentanyl is a thing.

Tbf, the cops were probably acting in bad faith, as they apparently said there was a positive field test for meth, and later the city said there was none.

celas001
2
6 days ago

I was mostly joking, but I guess I could have made that more clear. Also worth noting that I've read more than a few instances of their field equipment popping positive on benign things due to contamination. Could have legit been something as simple as a failure to maintain that gear. Of course, that being the case, you'd think that such evidence would be inadmissible if it's so prone to faulty readings. I rather feel that canine searches should be the same way, personally.

SavingStupid
10
6 days ago

"Johnson why the fuck did you piss hot for meth?"

"It was just a little sniff and lick sir, gotta make sure these drugs are the real deal. Oh and... I'm not sure about that bag of crack in the evidence room. Let's not waste any more test kits, I'll give it a quick smoke and toke so we dont look silly later."

".... Carry on"

DarkGenex
643
6 days ago

They must have mistaken them for gonorrhea nodules.

DaBIGmeow888
194
6 days ago

Too meta.

50StatePiss
31
6 days ago

Oof, I don't wanna know...

schuy_bruh
39
6 days ago

You really don’t.....

I-Downloaded-a-Car
12
6 days ago

It involves some mad foul snatch, a jolly ranger and a nice case of gonorrhea.

One of the most horrific things I've ever read.

TitaniumBowl
4
6 days ago

0/10, but I’d still recommend

senaya
3
6 days ago

Better not read the story on the other side of this link then.

eduardead
92
6 days ago

Damn best thing to come out of reddit

Freedmad25
69
6 days ago

That story has been around for longer than reddit. I heard it told to me by a counselor at sleep away camp 16 years ago.

tweri12
70
6 days ago

You and I had very different camp counselors.

Betty2theWhite
21
6 days ago

You didn't have touchy-Joe? Who'd you have not-out-of the-closet-YET-Becky, over-achiever-Sarah?

TheRuinedKing
7
6 days ago

Both. Definitely both. Every year.

Betty2theWhite
4
6 days ago

You ever get well-adjusted-stoner-Pete? That guy made summer camp great again.

Freedmad25
3
6 days ago

Yeah...they also told us about the Tao of Sex. Namely the terms made hammer and jade gate.

teslamotorhead
30
6 days ago

To be fair, the only way to tell the difference is to put it in your mouth then chomp it to see if it pops in your mouth.

TrashPandaPatronus
21
6 days ago

Nooooo no no no no NO

Betty2theWhite
3
6 days ago

Since when does meth smell like blue raspberry and/or sour green apple flavored sugar?... or come in cylindrical shapes? Your meth dudes got marketing down packed, he got an mba or something?

Ashfaaq18
3
6 days ago

you mother f****r

Mitchel-256
21
6 days ago

Goddamnit, I can't eat Jolly Ranchers anymore because this is exactly what I think of every fucking time I see the name.

nsfwmodeme
6
6 days ago

I'm glad there's no Jolly Ranchers where I live.

That post made me laugh and want to puke at the same time.

RefinedBulbasir
3
6 days ago

I'm sucking on one right now

Mitchel-256
4
6 days ago

If it suddenly turns into a Gusher, don't say I didn't warn you.

DSect
2
6 days ago

This ruined chunky Bleu Cheese for me.

boredandhungry5
12
6 days ago

I came here for this comment

Jajanken-
10
6 days ago

It’ll never die

Peter_Griffin33
7
6 days ago

Just inwardly gagged.

flamingboard
3
6 days ago

Barf

myphoneisoff
2
6 days ago

That's just evil to bring that up.

BlueBloodSW6
2
6 days ago

Damn you and my memory.

FancyFeller
2
6 days ago

I'm about to make dinner. Goddammit, not this shit again.

jayrhacker
2
6 days ago
YaBoiiiJoe
2
6 days ago

Someone explain please I feel left out

myislanduniverse
596
6 days ago

That's not very much money after legal fees and everything else it must have cost them.

dakotathehuman
375
6 days ago

Oldest trick in the book; sue for $678Million, settle for $800,000

AdmiralFrackbar
180
6 days ago

Better yet, sue for $847.5 million, settle for $1 million. That way when go to your high school reunion and brag that you're a millionaire you'll be telling the truth

dakotathehuman
169
6 days ago

You legit increased the price by 25% just to get the extra 25% to 1 million.

I'm impressed.

AdmiralFrackbar
66
6 days ago

It's unlikely, but I really hope you're my 12th grade math teacher Mrs. Paztor

dakotathehuman
18
6 days ago

Yes, here in America, us 12th grade math teachers are truly impressed with the ability to increase two different numbers by 25%.

In college you'll be learning about division, and soon after, in PlusUltraUniversity, you'll learn about how the math to triangles is trigonometry, and how that, along with slopes, division, and graphing, make up the study of calculus.

But wait, there's more. Soon after that, you'll be at the ripe age of 47, and ready to learn the final step of math; LiterallyNoNumbersAndJustABunchOfLetters!!!

And we have arrived at Language Arts!

Waveseeker
4
6 days ago

:(

orangeheadwhitebutt
3
6 days ago

pushes up glasses To be fair, Language Arts is just applied math

AgitatedBunny
2
6 days ago

Bnha out of nowhere

666moist
14
6 days ago
Raven_7306
3
6 days ago

No one is noticing that 800,000 is 20% of 1,000,000. They’re blindly believing you.

So quick thing before I post this (this is an in-post edit), I realized while I was second guessing myself that, yes, I am an idiot. The 25% refers to 25% of 800,000, so that 1.25*800,000=1,000,000. Carry on, you did your math right. The first portion of what I said is wrong, but I will post my shame anyways.

249ba36000029bbe9749
3
6 days ago

No one is noticing that 800,000 is 20% of 1,000,000

Apart from the error that you caught yourself, 800K is actually 80% of a million.

Original_Sedawk
2
6 days ago

Nope - because your lawyer is getting $400,000

Dodaddydont
2
6 days ago

And they said algebra wasn’t a real world skill

Queensbro
10
6 days ago

Such specific numbers...

Is this a law firm phone number?

Binsky89
28
6 days ago

It's plenty of money for the lawyers

incredible_mr_e
202
6 days ago

How many news stories have to say "Innocuous substance determined to be drugs by police field drug test" before we demand the tests be changed or eliminated?

jwm3
137
6 days ago

According to the article no test was ever done and the officers later said that they never claimed a test was done. (Despite their report saying they did a test)

incredible_mr_e
104
6 days ago

OK, so either A: they did a test, which came up positive when they tested jolly ranchers, or B: they filed a false report in a deliberate attempt to frame 2 people for drug possession.

zoobrix
63
6 days ago

Once they were in too deep they had to arrest them no matter what the test said or if one was even done.

The one friend who didn't have any candy on them got punched in the face by an "unidentified" cop for protesting his friends being arrested over nothing. Other cops repeatedly searched the men and said it's "only a matter of time before they found something". They dam well knew it was candy but after harassing random people and punching and threatening them they were going to the station no matter what.

The cops acted like the unprofessional douche bags they obviously are and if they don't take them to jail for something it looks worse on them when innocent civilians complain about their treatment versus someone you've got down in holding who obviously must have done something.

As the article said the judge let them out on their own recognizance the very next day, I'm not familiar with how easy it is to get bail in New York but surely if you're arrested for a bunch of meth or interfering with an officer you'd have to pay at least something in the way of bail? Methinks the judge saw this was a bad joke of an arrest right away and figured the best thing to do for all involved was get them the hell out of jail asap before this shit show got any worse.

Edit: recognizance be hard to spell

MrAnderson345
30
6 days ago

The cops acted like the unprofessional douche bags

Criminals. They acted like fucking criminals. Unprofessional is the 20 something year old changing the brakes on your car at a lube shop.

These degenerate fucks knew precisely what they were doing because the police are nothing more than a state-sanctioned organized gang.

oversized_hoodie
10
6 days ago

Hopefully the judge wasn't thinking in terms of NYPD's PR disaster, and instead was thinking about how citizens were being assaulted, arrested under false pretenses, illegally detained, and illegally searched by cops who apparently have no respect for any sort of due process or presumption of innocence.

iwannamakebankkbro
2
6 days ago

The answer is C: They did neither of those things.

YourLostGuitarPicks
49
6 days ago

Cops lying through their teeth to get away with harassing people? No way...

theJoggler1
9
6 days ago

OMG I'm totally surprised someone trained to lie actually lied on record.

rubermnkey
47
6 days ago

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/file/candy-not-meth?page=5

no field test, but the police claimed that with their expert training and previous experience they determined that the jolly ranchers were not only identical to meth they had seen before, but that it was wrapped in a way consistent to how meth is commonly sold and the guys had money on them in similar denominations to people who sold meth.

So cops are claiming that they regularly come across red and blue meth, and the standard way it is packaged is in jolly rancher wrappers. Also I guess these guys had some twenties on them and the only reason they would have cash like that is if they were selling meth.

sbrelvi
8
6 days ago

"Expert training and previous experience"

KY_Grown
19
6 days ago

Wait.....that's illegal

Seriously, falsifying a report is serious and warrants suspension

ctrl-all-alts
25
6 days ago

Cops. Accountability.

Pick one.

Mr-Yellow
19
6 days ago

before we demand the tests be changed or eliminated?

There was no positive test. It was perjury to get another tick on their quota.

This is a common occurrence. Judges let it slide. (which creates a system where police are routinely asked to perjury themselves to get entrapment through. Which makes them throw away everything and become the worst type of cop on day one of their new job)

Meowmers33
2
6 days ago

I always think of that lady that got arrested over Spaghetti O's because the police thought that the "suspicious substance" on a spoon( that was in the Spaghetti O's can )was meth.

speakofthesedevils
2
6 days ago

Why are so many top comments completely oblivious to what the article actually said? Seriously like 10% of redditors actually read the article, the rest of you are just here for the circle jerk.

bmcmore
111
6 days ago

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say they were blaack?

wasitabarorabatisaw
171
6 days ago

I'm guessing green, red, and blue raspberry.

MattAmoroso
15
6 days ago

Do they even make black jolly ranchers?

NeonGKayak
18
6 days ago

Like a dark Purple

WalkerBRiley
2
6 days ago

Oh....god.....a licorice flavored jolly rancher? the torture just never ends.

dude-O-rama
89
6 days ago

Close, hispanic.

LBJsPNS
105
6 days ago

Ah, the other Scary Brown People™.

shirleyxx
17
6 days ago

just a few shades off.

Makenshine
8
6 days ago

I didn't even know they made hispanic jolly ranchers.

JoshSidekick
5
6 days ago

Jalapeño flavor.

VivaLaSea
5
6 days ago

One was black, tho

Legion299
2
6 days ago

Source? I know it's there's a hispanic person but the article also mentions a very African name.

johnn48
106
6 days ago

Court documents filed in connection with the drug possession charges against Olatunjiojo and Ferriera asserted that the cops had performed a field test on the candy and it tested positive for a controlled substance.

Through out the arrest the Cops lied. They asserted an associate observed them in a drug buy. They performed a field test on the candy. It was just a matter of time before they found something. Their friend interfered in their arrest. Yet at the end the Cops said they did nothing wrong. Another thing what is a quality of life summons?

dirtydrew26
47
6 days ago

Those field tests aren't even permissable evidence in court. They've been proven to not be effective at all.

purplepeoplecoffee
25
6 days ago

Those field tests aren't even permissable evidence in court.

That’s incorrect. The field test is admissible. Its weight is a different question.

KudagFirefist
19
6 days ago

I assume it's the court summons they use to wreck your quality of life by forcing you to miss work, pay a lawyer and sit through some bullshit in court, but IANAL.

JamesGray
4
6 days ago

Not that far off from what I just read. It's basically them targeting non-serious crimes and filing court summons for them to reduce the rate of more serious crimes being committed. The examples given in a report from the nypd in 2015 specifically referred to public urination and cannabis possession, so I'm guessing things that otherwise may have been dealt with by levying fines rather than sending people to court (NY decriminalized simple possession in the 70s).

Edit: autocorrect

maybenotquiteasheavy
2
6 days ago

Lol you are so correct that I don't really believe you're not a lawyer.

ghotiaroma
79
6 days ago

after cops bizarrely mistook Jolly Rancher candies for crystal meth

No they didn't. They just said that so other racists would be comfortable with them doing their job of being racist pigs. No cop ever thought that was meth.

dude-O-rama
53
6 days ago

Pigs should stick to sniffing for truffles.

zipfizzz
7
6 days ago

Oh shit. Almost cut myself on how edgy you are

jalford312
32
6 days ago

You must be pretty soft if you think that's edgy.

Betty2theWhite
4
6 days ago

Hey he can't help his soft physique, he's addicted to hard candy man.

flamingboard
20
6 days ago

Keep licking those jackboots.

atomfullerene
4
6 days ago

Wait these are jackboots? I thought they were jolly ranchers!

flamingboard
5
6 days ago

Nope. It's meth.

LBJsPNS
18
6 days ago

ACAB

arguablytrue
31
6 days ago

Squeegee guys, aggressive panhandlers, loitering, those sorts of offenses.

darkscottishloch
9
6 days ago

Thank you. I came here looking for this.

ShotgunForFun
7
6 days ago

I thought Squee was the new SCOTUS... live and learn.

Spongi
3
6 days ago

Squee, Spleen and Spoon.

jeanroyall
4
6 days ago

Bothering the snooty people

Vistage777
2
6 days ago

Not putting your Jolly Ranchers wrappers in a trash can.

WalkerBRiley
2
6 days ago

public urination....'disorderly conduct' whatever the fuck that umbrella term could mean....you know.....shit cops do when they need to pad their paperwork to make themselves look good at the end of the month.

GiveHerTheWorks
31
6 days ago

Oh boy another settlement on the taxpayer's dime!

Betty2theWhite
0
6 days ago

I support the boys in blue, I know my tax dollars all go to feeding illegal immigrants, who steal jobs from our veterans which is the only reason so many end up homeless!

Dark-Rev
7
6 days ago

Most Veterans go homeless out of pride. Hard to ask for help sometimes. When the training and mindset is courage and personal strengths. Took me 2 years before I finally fixed my situation after ETSing. Some of my brothers and sister are a bit more stubborn. Been trying to help one of my old Seargents since he retired 10 years ago. He stays at a shelter long enough to get clean clothes and a shower, then leaves. Still give him money and a ride to the VA hospital in hopes he'll wake up.

Betty2theWhite
5
6 days ago

Listen buddy, I get it. Knew a guy who got out of the military, had an apartment, went to college, that's where I met him. But just because he wasn't homeless doesn't mean he wasn't struggling too, dude had nothing but a laptop a bong and a mattress in his room. He'd go home, smoke himself into a coma and not leave his room unless he had to shit or eat. Dude needed help, but he was pulling it off just well enough so you couldn't tell him that. Dude was so stubborn about asking for help, I'd have to ask him for help just so I could sit down and help him through his homework. Lost contact with him after I helped him move a few hours south, basically had to tell him I was only helping him move so I could drive his truck... it was a nice truck. Everytime I think about him I wonder if he's still got a roof over his head.

But also let me clarify that that comment of mine above was satire, and not actual beliefs.

jlatto
5
6 days ago

Please tell me you're missing the /s

Edit: yes you were. Cool

maybenotquiteasheavy
11
6 days ago

If you think this was a dumb accident the cops made instead of an intentional choice the cops made, you should spend a couple days in arraignments at your local criminal court.

Mr-Yellow
22
6 days ago

The city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops

...

claimed that an undercover colleague had observed them selling drugs

That escalated quickly.

Perjury is not a wrongdoing? Guess they do it everyday, so normalised.

he was allegedly punched in the face by an unidentified cop

lol, nothing wrong with that.

Court documents filed in connection with the drug possession charges against Olatunjiojo and Ferriera asserted that the cops had performed a field test on the candy and it tested positive for a controlled substance.

Wow another perjury. Nothing wrong with that.

highoncraze
20
6 days ago

Hard time for hard candy

JamisonSturdevant
19
6 days ago

Imagine how many jolly ranchers they can buy with $33,000...

Edit: Like 8,500 lbs of Jolly ranchers total. Or 2,800 lbs each.

RikkuEcRud
8
6 days ago

Like 8,500 lbs of Jolly ranchers total. Or 2,800 lbs each.

I dunno why, but I started giggling like an idiot imagining 4.25 TONS of Jolly Ranchers. Haven't been that excited for candy since I was a kid.

Betty2theWhite
5
6 days ago

Yeah but how much meth will it buy?

JamisonSturdevant
5
6 days ago

Like 9.5 lbs. I wouldn’t recommend it. Way more pounds of jolly ranchers

iambriankendricks
17
6 days ago

Reminds me of that time that poor guy had just eaten a Krispy Kreme donut and the cops mistook the icing for meth. He’s sued and got a little over the amount that these THREE got

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/07/29/florida-man-arrested-when-officer-mistakes-krispy-kreme-donut-glaze-for-meth/?utm_term=.5b82c16b26fc

Edit: Two of the victims received less settlement money because they failed to show up to a “quality of life summonses???” This is such bullshit all the way around

Landlubber77
15
6 days ago

The issue at hand was whether money was spent in the procurement of the blowjobs which made the ranchers so jolly.

SequesterMe
2
6 days ago

I was happy about it. Does that count?

OurLadyOfTheChickens
13
6 days ago

ACAB

frzferdinand72
6
6 days ago

40%

Ronfarber
11
6 days ago

Please tell me the cops thought raspberry Jolly Ranchers were Breaking Bad meth.

rawdawg304
9
6 days ago

Those cops must not be getting laid, they got no chill.

puntmasterofthefells
6
6 days ago

"The NYPD laboratory later concluded the two red and four blue "crystalline rocks of solid material" were not drugs and the case went up in smoke."

:slow clap:

cjcourtenay
6
6 days ago

Those in the eu use a VPN and set location to the USA to view this site.

Cradam
3
6 days ago

you paying?

KudagFirefist
2
6 days ago

You can probably just use google translate as a ghetto proxy if you don't want to use another means.

Swysp
3
6 days ago

That requires legislation. Legislation needs legislators. Legislators are elected. No legislators want to risk the gang in blue being on their bad side (and I don’t blame them, see: Serpico) else their constituents will be non-existent. They’ll be seen as soft on crime at the very best and anti-cop at worst.

You see now why this is a problem.

darthphallic
6
6 days ago

Honestly this happens more than you’d think, and I honestly am sick of the tax payers having to shoulder the burden of shitty police work. The individual officers need to start paying for their lawsuits

spanky2088
5
6 days ago

I'm gonna go out on a limb before reading any further and guess these men were of an African descent...

Afterdrawstep
5
6 days ago

Police Officers Jermaine Taylor and Jovanny Calderon handcuffed the men and claimed that an undercover colleague had observed them selling drugs, the court papers state.

SO they lied to the court in order to try to frame two black dudes.

And yet, the police admit no wrong doing.

Isn't that interesting?

They can totally just lie in official capacity, to the state itself, and then when it is absolutely shown to be total bullshit just be like "Lucky me I'm a cop so the state won't do shit to me"

imDriley1
5
6 days ago

Haha dumb

Luckboy28
5
6 days ago

So the cops gave away 33k of taxpayer money. =/

All of these cases should come directly out of their pensions/pay. If they play stupid games, they should pay the price, not just hand over other people's money.

hypeknight
5
6 days ago

NYPD I s basically a militant terrorist group.

Harvickfan4Life
3
6 days ago
PutridDay2
4
6 days ago

“Love Olatunjiojo, Omar Ferriera and Jimmy Santos“ yeah no wonder they got arrested.
1312

throwaway073847
3
6 days ago

The worst part is that neither he news site nor OP felt the need to clarify the race of the victims in the headlines cause it was fucking obvious.

stilllikelypooping
3
6 days ago

"The city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn't be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy.."

Translation: Cops are dumb AF; please don't confuse them with logic, they're just there to tax you so they have more money for more military equipment to kill you with. ...and then find themselves innocent of killing you with those items. ACAB

Six7Six7
3
6 days ago

No kidding.

Cell phones = guns

Candy = drugs

Their training is piss poor and these men should not be policing our streets.

stilllikelypooping
4
6 days ago

I've been a long time Republican (until Trump) and accepting the police is a long standing theme but holy goddamn fuck. These assholes are CRIMINALLY undertrained and WHOLLY incapable. Every time I read a police blotter I think "oh my fucking god this mouth breather is allowed to attempt to charge people" and yet every single day I see accounts of police abusing their power. Honestly we should remove that power and everything that police officers have to say they're 100% biased and will continuously attempt to persuade other people that they are correct. There are LITERALLY so many cases of police attempting to suede public opinion on things they should be triad and convicted.

scott60561
3
6 days ago

Besides what I've seen on Breaking bad, I have no idea what meth actually looks like and have never seen it in real life.

But I don't think anyone could ever pass off Jolly Ranchers to me as meth, no matter how hard they tried.

I don't know how cops could mess this up.

a3r0d7n4m1k
3
6 days ago

Jolly Ranchers does sound like a Riverdale drug

pyromaster114
3
6 days ago

Oh wow... the NYPD is pretty... just... wow.

ibaniz
3
6 days ago

TIL, as a police officer you can punch your suspect and make them pay for it via their taxes

deedaveid
3
6 days ago

To be fair, the same ppl that eat Jolly Ranchers and take cyrstal meth have the same fucked up teeth.

payeco
3
6 days ago

If these guys were white that settlement would have at least one more zero on the end. God damn shame.

xmeye
3
6 days ago
iGoalie
2
6 days ago

This sounds like one of those ice cube nypd memes.....

Now somebody more clever than me come up with a “street meaning” for jolly rancher

Betty2theWhite
5
6 days ago

They drive the kids out to a farm just over the county line, strip them down to nothing but cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat, hop them up on lsd dipped hard candy and tell them to go cow tipping... in the bull pen. They call it the jolly rancher.

kaenneth
1
6 days ago

It's like a midnight cowboy, but in rodeo clown makeup.

vagueblur901
2
6 days ago

This is silly meth looks nothing like jolly ranchers it doesn't smell like jolly ranchers it doesn't taste like jolly ranchers and it's not stcikky (sugar)

trollie74
2
6 days ago

NY Daily News doesn't want us nosy Europeans reading their juicy stories.

Paranitis
2
6 days ago

I had a fucking idiot cop take my bag of jawbreakers thinking it was drugs somehow and had me in his cruiser while he made his calls or wasted time or whatever the hell he was doing.

They were just the classic white jawbreakers with the rainbow speckles on them. They were maybe a quarter in size, but he fucking looked at me suspiciously and took them. Then when he did let me go I demanded my jawbreakers back but said "If you want one yourself, you can have one, but give me my jawbreakers back".

OptimalFact
2
6 days ago

Jolly Ranchers are addictive as fuck (at least when we were kids).

Dieabeto9142
2
6 days ago

They shoulda spent the money the won on hookers and blow

winpowguy
2
6 days ago

I won’t let my kids play with kids who use Jollys

s_rry
2
6 days ago

I figured they assumed they were for codeine 😂

andyshrestha
2
6 days ago

Were they caught for possessing excessive sugar? 🤣

ShotgunForFun
2
6 days ago

The real question... did they also get the bottles of Zima they were going to put the Jolly Ranchers in?

Actually_i_like_dogs
2
6 days ago

The juice is loose

Kvlka666
2
6 days ago

Jolly Ranchers

Still not over it.

ugh.

jhern115
2
6 days ago

I wish they had been paid for much more than 33k.

gavaar
3
6 days ago

I wish the arresting officers had to pay it.

jhern115
2
6 days ago

I agree. Fuck their stupid unions.

_K-J_
2
6 days ago

Commissioner Kelly is out of control, it's getting ridiculous smh

drew1111
2
6 days ago

Read up on HOUSTON PD doing a no knock warrant raid where two innocent people were killed and the City of Houston is being investigated by the FBI about it. The topper of the story is the HPD union chairman came on TV and said if anyone in Houston opposes the HPD, “We have your Number!” No shit.

DetookRjobs
2
6 days ago

I herd those cops we're a bunch of sour apples after the trial and blue raspberrys at the arrested men. Who replied that they were just peachy with the outcome.

PinBot1138
2
6 days ago

1) How much of that went to the lawyers?

2) Taxpayers got to foot the bill for bad cops acting bad, AGAIN. Great.

3) This will change when courts stop excusing behavior with a blank check, and when it’s easier to go after them civilly for acting criminally. It’s easier to sue the President than it is to sue the Police. They’re virtually untouchable.

perlandbeer
2
6 days ago

If someone had told me that I am going to click on a Reddit article today that has “Jolly Ranchers” in the title, I would’ve told them that they’re a damn liar.

RaygunnerRei
2
6 days ago

How much did it cost them in legal fees to make that happen? Sure they won, but all they ultimately ended up doing was inconveniencing the NYPD.

lonestarstang
2
6 days ago

Many moons ago, my family and I were at Target shopping. I was 16 at the time and remember I had on a Titans jersey(relevant in a little bit). We had rented a movie and were buying snacks to take home. Suddenly a cop calls my number out on Jersey and says to put my hands up. He demands I put my hands on a stack diapers and said he was going to search me, while padding me down he said that one of the employees saw me put some items in my pocket. I remember being completely confused about the whole situation, keep in mind I'm being padded down in front of everyone at the store. The cop is also bullying me, screaming while the store manager and security watch all this happening. I tried to ask the officer why they got that impression and remember asking if we can review the tape. I was scared and the officer was hollering at me, basically didn't want to hear me out and was convinced I tried to steal something. Of course, they didn't find nothing on me, embarrassed and scared I tried to prove my innocence to the officer, he turned to the store manager and asked if they could review the tape. It turns out the employee who reported this said "he thought" he heard me stealing things(not sure how that sounds. They refused to show me the tape and the cop got more aggressive, he basically bullied me out of the store. I feel like I missed an opportunity to sue the shit out of them.

tehpokernoob
2
6 days ago

Time to start selling crack in the shape of jolly ranchers, cops will be too embarrassed to possibly charge you now.

Sevnfold
2
6 days ago

Sidebar to the story - where do we draw the line on bad cop regulation/bystander interference? One of the three men was arrested for "protesting" the cops actions, also allegedly punched by a cop for his troubles. Turns out he was 100% correct in protesting.

So, while I understand if a cop is arresting someone you shouldn't crowd their space. But what if a cop is legit abusing someone, we've all seen it. When are we allowed to step in and stop the cops from being assholes?

MrAmersfoort
2
6 days ago

ACAB

6WithMyWoes6
2
6 days ago

They knew that it was candy. The cops arrested them because all of them were the god awful green flavor

dinotrainer318
2
6 days ago

I blame jake peraulta

Obandigo
2
6 days ago

Hey! This meth smells like blue raspberry.

McJubal
2
6 days ago

Good, fuck the NYPD

richmustang67
1
6 days ago

Turquoise is my favorite flavor

Flylite
1
6 days ago

How many jolly ranchers did they buy with the winnings?

eccentric-vagabond
1
6 days ago

Peralta, what are you doing?

SorrySoNotSorry1
1
6 days ago

Well, you know how it is...

Can't let the kids get started on the hard stuff.

FlowbotFred
1
6 days ago

And the cops learned nothing

TheSuperHotdog
1
6 days ago

We need u/cummybot2000 on this sub

fulcyou
1
6 days ago

I remember when my sisters fiancé told me he got pulled over and got caught with a couple grams of weed and happened to have around a gram of wax in his pocket. The cops ended up giving back his “chewed up gum” and ended up only charging him for the pot. Still seems crazy to me how much cops don’t know what the drugs look like they’re trying to get lol

plantsthetic
1
6 days ago

I’ve read the Jolly Rancher story and if I was a cop I’d have arrested them too

Convince
1
6 days ago

now they can buy a shit ton of jolly ranchers

bleakgh
1
6 days ago

There’s a lady in my county with a warrant for her arrest after she stole over $11,000 worth of Girl Scout Cookies. Only in Florida.

redditFury
1
6 days ago

DID ANYONE SAY JOLLY RANCHER?

LordFelcher
1
6 days ago

Playing word association, guess what comes up first whenever ever I hear 'Jolly Rancher'?

EtherealAriel
1
6 days ago

Those things totally smell like candy!

_Credible_Hulk
1
6 days ago

I mean have you read about the jolly rancher stories here I would arrest em too.

Valentinee105
1
6 days ago

More of a starburst kind of guy.

IsilithTehroth
1
6 days ago

Candy Crush saga in real life.

Keyedwin
1
6 days ago

They’ve been watching too much breaking bad if they thought candy was fucking meth

Schid1953
1
6 days ago

Fucking Health Police.

SoFresh519
1
6 days ago

The blue ones are my favourite.