I also thought I would have caught on fire at least once by now or it was a yearly occurrence.
Now there is no quicksand and I'm the one peer pressuring
I was going to say this is very suddenly Mulaney.
Me too. Have an updoot.
And an updoot to you kind fellow person.
And with your spirit
Give him one for me too good sir! Maybe one for yourself as well!
And let us all share libations, good day to you too and up you go!
I wouldn't say suddenly, OP's post is straight up plagiarism, just replacing quick sand with the BT. It's like posting a Mulaney joke in /r/standupshots then calling it /r/UnexpectedMulaney. Here's a list of things you could sub for quicksand to slightly change the joke;
When I was little I was afraid to go to the beach because I was convinced a tidal wave would sweep me out to sea
I've never seen a single joke re-packaged on the internet as if it's an original thought as much as this single John Mulaney joke.
Yes I agree, I just think Mulaney put the name to a face. As children we have all had this one thing we thought would be a real problem in adulthood that never manifested.
It's just people sometimes rip it off shamelessly. There is a bit of his content that gets reupholstered to accommodate someone's views/likes.
Although the original post seems like kind of a Mulaney ripoff, so maybe it was expected.
Sounds very Bert Kreischer actually.
“Yeah you’re gonna wanna take I-90, because I-95s got a little quicksand. It looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink in.”
Love me some Mulaney
He is such a better stand up and writer than he is a comedic actor. But I also love him as well too.
He's a great voice actor too. His roles in Big Mouth and Spiderverse were phenomenal
I think he really found a healthy medium in Oh Hello! Which I cannot watch without laughing hysterically every time
While I love his standup specials, Oh Hello! doesn't quite hit me the same way. It has some good bits, but Nick Kroll is hit and miss for me, generally speaking, so, while I know they're frequent collaborators, he brings Mulaney down a peg when they're together.
I dont know what it is, maybe I need to give it another shot, but Oh Hello didnt do it for me. And I like both of them a good amount.
You're probably right. I only watched it once, and maybe I just wasn't in the right frame of mind, so giving it a second watch might be worthwhile.
My favorite part of that special was Kroll breaking character talking to that teenager
"Did you even enjoy any of this?"
All fun and games until Purple Aki sees your muscles
As a child slipping and falling into the frozen koi pond at my old house made me terrified of walking on frozen ponds.
Least yours actually happened to you, I was living in mortal fear every winter because of stopmotion welsh children who couldn’t behave themselves
Those piers are heavy, gotta share the load
Also you only float to your waist in quicksand
Not ONCE have I been able to use my floor really IS lava training I learned as a youth.
I feel like I’m on fire every minute of this waking hell
Stop. Drop. N roll that blizunt.
Don't mind if i do. 😎
Shut em down open up shop
Well your parents probably unplugged everything electrical when you slept to ensure that never happened because house fires only ever start from plug sockets when you're asleep.
My entire house is candle lit
Then you're perfectly safe.
Username checks out.
I was caught in a house fire when I was 18, and I was very proud of myself that once I was out of the house, I didn't go back in just like I was always taught. All my friends who I was with did, and fortunately no one was hurt, but the smoke you deal with in a house fire is no joke.
Smoke inhalation is often the thing that kills people, as opposed to burns. Your lungs literally shrivel up, etc
Spontaneous combustion is just out of fashion right now. It will make a comeback. And you’ll be ready.
What a shit hoax that was
That’s only because Randy Marsh figures out how to solve the problem.
Spontaneous human combustion. Leprosy. Poltergeists. These were the things I feared. Now it's just good old nuclear apocalypse.
We probably all watched the same show on tv as children. I visibly remember watching something about spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle, and being terrified!
There was this hardcover encyclopedia type book someone gave me called Mysteries of the Unexplained, I read that thing cover to cover several times and thought spontaneously combusting wasn't a matter of if, but when... also animals and space goo falling from the sky. Many sleepless nights as a ten year old lol.
I might've read the same one. I got through absolutely every weird book there was in my school library.
I remember this book, raining fish from the sky was one of the chapters.
I have caught on fire twice in my life. Both times it was winter, I was outside and wearing heavy winter clothing. That stuff is really flammable but thanks to snow, its easy to put the fire out. Just roll in the snow.
What are you doing that you catch on fire outside, in the snow? Building campfires in the winter?
Don't you hate it when you're just walking around minding your own business enjoying the snow when you spontaneously combust?
I actually often like to do outdoor activities in winter. I do like to sit around a camp fire in winter when its cold and dark. We used to have a small house with a place where you could do that in the backyard. Sometimes accidents happen. Im not gonna sit here and say I was just sitting there alone. I did some stupid shit with some friends that I would rather not disclose.
We all know it was lighter fluid being squirted straight from the bottle.
You are 100% correct. That was the first case. The second one was me trying to make a torch by melting a plastic bag on the end of a wooden plank. The plastic burnt nice but it also melted and dripped onto my pants.
We’ve all been there, man.
STOP DROP AND ROLL.
You ever see a video of someone who's caught fire? I have. Quite a few, actually.
Fuckin' no-one stops, drops, and rolls. Nobody. It's such a prominent thing we're taught as kids and yet no one ever fuckin' does it. Boggles the mind.
Hard to think rationally when you're ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah for some reason people can't seem to think clearly when they catch fire.
Oh man! That spontaneous combustion stuff kept me awake at night. Literally! Too warm? About to burst into flames any second! Tingling in feet or hands? Imminent flames! Scalp itchy? Prepare for conflagration! My childhood was filled with this and many 70’s centric fears (this makes me Gen X btw, in case anyone wants to”ok boomer” me. Siiiigghhhh).
I’ve seen enough videos on Reddit of people on fire to realize I’m the lucky one.
Come to California, we pretty much do
Oh yea! I remember reading about spontaneous combustion and literally being scared for my life for like a year.
I mean it can still happen right? Aaaa
I am unable to turn on a stove or a boiler to this day
There was a lot of hairspray & smokers in the 70's & 80's, so it could happen.
Did a report on the Bermuda Triangle in jr. high, it was on In Search of...with Leonard Nemoy and those types of shows like, That’s Incredible, etc. I still have no idea if the mystery of the BT was ever solved, if in fact, there was a mystery.
The Bermuda triangle is the result of an excess of methane (at least I believe it's Mebane) gas leaking into the water making the water less dense, clearer and messing with aeronautical instruments. Being on fire could potentially be possible if the methane were released in a high enough quantity
I’m a welder and farmer. I set myself on fire once a month and shock myself at least twice a year. It’s never required that I stop, drop, and roll. At this point, I just laugh and put the fire out.
Same, they drilled "stop drop and roll" in our heads like every day growing up. I legitimately thought that I'd end up on fire like every day.
and get stuck in quicksand
Spontaneous human combustion was a real fear of mine.
Your username sounds like you were a horny teen when you made the account six years ago, and have yet to find a couple since clearly it's not a throwaway account anymore...
Same for quicksand and friends peer-pressuring me to try drugs.
I'm disappointed at the lack of sketchy strangers offering me drugs in real life.
Be the change you want to see.
It’s a good timeline when Ghandi supports trappin
"Traphouse 3 got a K with me, and 3 Navayuvā that stay with me"
Sorry gucci but im pretty sure i like Ghandi's version better.
It's Gandhi, fyi. It's a small difference, but everytime i tried to say Ghandi in my head, it just tickled me the wrong way...
I'm wit yo baby momma readin da Ramayana
That’s why I always say if anyone offers you drugs you take that shit because drugs are expensive.
Just know that a person giving away free drugs is always trying to fuck you. Trust me, given away a lot of drugs over the years. You might not think it be like that, but it always be like that.
And guys, if nobody is offering you free drugs, see rule 1 and 2 like always in life.
Oh I’m well aware, I was mostly joking. I would never take free drugs from a random person. Only time would be if a friend was offering weed or something.
We've lived very different lives.
sketchy strangers always ask though lol
While I've never had a stranger offer me drugs, I think DARE was more talking about your friends. While I was never peer pressured into trying weed, it was definitely due to my friends that I got into it. The people I liked being around most just happened to smoke pot. Not blaming anyone tho, weed's great.
I’m disappointed in the lack of sketchy strangers offering me quicksand in real life.
That’s what music festivals are for
I love giving out whippets at parties... Usually they're complete strangers
You prob dont have cool friends
Can't forget about grand pianos
Or years of training in navigating over a lava floor
I 95 is a little quick sandy
Totally thought I would ruin more souffles by slamming a door
Remember kids, if somebody offers you some drugs, you take them. Drugs are fucking expensive
YAY MYSTERY PILLS!
COULD BE BLISS!
COULD BE DEATH!
Sketchy white powders WOooOoo2oo!
wHaT's ThE dIfFeReNcE?
Either is a fine option
To be fair though, the peer pressure I've experienced in my life was significantly more understated than they warned in those campaigns; which made it all the more "dangerous" in the end.
— John Mulaney
Thank you for crediting this.
It's not peer-pressure, it's peer-encouragement
The effects are surprise-mechanics
One of these happened to me 😰
Where did you find quicksand?
It was this one time at the local playground after his friends offered him drugs..
And catching fire
I had friends offering me drugs quite often. But then I was quite friendly with my dealer.
My brother and my dad are the only ones who tried to pressure me to do drugs. When I finally did, it was edibles from my mom.
That's because drugs aren't bad
Apparently kids these days aren't afraid of quicksand. It is not part of the milieu for children anymore. I heard a radiolab about it.
Lol I disagree about the drugs. All of high school I was peer pressured to do bad things.
Just go to a rave... no peer pressure, just people handing out acid or edibles... ✌🏽✨
Killer bees too.
I thought for sure I would’ve been jumped into a gang by now
I've been caught in quicksand before. Happened this past summer. Weird feeling to be honest. It only got semi-difficult to get out of when I was waist deep. I've also had friend peer-pressure me to do drugs, but I like drugs so it was chill.
Yeah, most people keep their drugs for themselves.
I understand. 80s TV totally overstated the role of quicksand in my daily life.
And the dangers of Satanist music
Is this why boomers are the way they are? Their infomercials were all about gay paedo kidnappers and the horrors of puberty right?
Don’t forget reefer madness!
That was more Greatest Generation than Boomer. Came out in 1932
Aye, but info moved slower then. This movie would still be a staple of old timey telegram reddit.
Kinda like that Korean guy with the two pairs of sunglasses today.
Even so, my parents are 60 and they still believe weed is worse than heroin, crack cocaine, Xanax, etc.
That's because they used heroin for headaches and cocaine was in Coca Cola. Weed is from those damn hippies in San Francisco.
Only if you mix it with heroin, crack cocaine, Xanax etc. 😂
Worse? Really? I believe you but we are living through an opioid death epidemic and that's if thats true it's sad as fuck.
At that point the oldest GG was 31, I’d lean more towards Reefer Madness being the Lost generation’s creation.
The damn dirty hippies would smoke dope and then murder you like the manson family.
Watched this classic in Sunday School
Discovered a lot of great music that day
Damn. That'd have made me go TO sunday school.
We watched a similar video at my church, called "God of Rock". It was a video explaining how Satan was the creator/driving force behind rock music. Ozzy, Led Zepplin, Alice Cooper, Iron Maiden.....they were all featured. That was my introduction to rock music. Led Zepplin, literally, blew my mind.
Say what you will about Satan, he has fantastic taste in music
I don't know, we got the lecture about taking candy from strangers, etc. and would crack jokes and run away if anybody did try it on. But what really scared me was what my mom would do to me if she found out that I didn't listen.
Nah, the sims was a reality check for me.
"Wtf, my friends don't like me anymore because I didn't call them for 3 years"
Just invited then over for a pool party to make up, then remove the ladder.
Now they can never leave you. Also your pool has a dead guy in it
And how many of them would be handing you drugs
This made me sad, I've been looking for free drugs my whole life.
You can probably get nutmeg for pretty cheap if you hunt down some squirrels and take their winter stash.
Has anyone had a good experience eating enough nutmeg to trip
I think you’d have better luck looking for shrooms or cacti depending where you live haha
I’ve never known anyone who has done nutmeg in real life. I think every erowid experience I read about it was a hilarious disaster. Pretty much all of them hated it, and wished it would stop.
I never had any interest in trying it - luckily had access to interesting psychedelics so didn’t have to resort to raiding grandmas spice shelves to get high.
I've did it a couple of times as a young teenager. It's not great, but it does work. Feels like a weed hangover that last for a couple of days. No visuals or anything, just a long lasting body high and and overall "dumb" feeling.
Yeah hahah that’s what I’ve read. Why did you do it?!
I grew up in nyc so starting at an early age we had access to substances, but I loved reading erowid even about the stuff I never wanted to try.
I never understood the rationale for nutmeg!
We were in a bit of a "herb drought" at the time, and we happened to read about it on erowid. We got some whole nutmeg and ground it up and ate it, which was fucking awful, but about an hour later it kicked in. I would not recommend.
Never heard of the nutmeg one, is that like snorting a pixie stick? Sounds as stupid as people eating tide pods.
Even Reddit is like this today.
Go into any thread on like AskReddit or whatever if the topic is about introverts, or social gatherings, or just any question that might involve alcohol/weed, and people insist up and down there are like roving gangs of Chads who go around at bars or parties and demand you drink, and if you don't everyone points and laughs.
Seriously, also the amount of favors you could call in. Everytime someone had 1 more favor they would call it in all the time.
And how many strangers would offer me free drugs 🥺
I spent hours thinking of ways to survive if I ever got caught in quicksand 😭
All I remember was you couldn't struggle and if you didnt have something to grab ahold of you were going to slowly sink and die.
Or if someone who’d done the bad selfish thing and left changes their mind and reappears at the last second to save you
as you wish
You relax, lay flat on your back, and you'll start to float in the sand. Or at least that's what Nat Geo Kids told me for some reason
That’s not much. Hours over the course of an entire childhood?
I spent hours everyday of my childhood wondering if I should plunder my nose for gold or if I should stay patient and let it percolate.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. Literally laughed. Thank you sir!
And watching The Never Ending Story didn’t help either. Poor Artax.
This was the most expected of Mulaneys.
Couldn’t have been more expected
I’m like 95% sure I first saw this tweet on /r/UnexpectedMulaney a few days ago.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/UnexpectedMulaney using the top posts of the year!
#1: Perfect. | 200 comments
#2: can’t relate | 70 comments
#3: Eighth graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. | 57 comments
I'm a bot, beep boop | Downvote to remove | Contact me | Info | Opt-out
You don’t have to do that with subreddit links. Just put /r/unexpectedmulaney
Unless you trying to have some fun
Luckily on mobile it shows a thumbnail if the link is a video
Yea its a small percentage it works on
Thank you for commenting this, I never would’ve found this gem
How was this possibly unexpected? It was telegraphed from a mile away
You don't have to (and shouldn't) use the link formatting when referring to a subreddit.
You can just write r/unexpectedmulaney and it will link automatically.
John Mulaney felt the same when when he said it in his comedy special.
This John Mulaney joke is probably the most ripped off joke I see on Reddit and social media and it bothers me to no end. It’s an amazing joke I just wish people would stop stealing it
Just quote the bit, put his name, post, guilt free karma. The end.
And Adam Carolla felt the same when Mulaney stole it from him.
Or falling anvils.
I mean I'm from Bermuda even and quicksand has proved more dangerous
Knew this was going to be the top comment. No one in the history of reddit has ever had an original thought.
That’s how I knew you’d post this as well
I unexpectedly stepped into quicksand one time last summer while exploring a cave and I just got really excited at the notion of actually encountering an old nonsensical childhood fear
And acid rain!
And how often I'd visit the La Brea tar pits
"Is YOUR child a part of a Dungeons and Dragons cult? Find out at 11"
And Venus fly traps
also but not mentioned as much, those mountain pass cable car's that also seem to be the most dangerous thing ever.
Unsolved Mysteries is the root of all our problems.
Honestly, I expected a lot more ghosts, and assumed I'd run into Phyllis Diller at least a few times.
Or the dangers posed to our pets by dog catchers trying to take them to the pound.
I remember watching a soap opera where the villain died on quicksand, mud terrified me for a while.
There was a Fantasy Island that had quicksand as a kid is was freaky. Watching it now it is hilarious (and second one), looks like a kiddie pool of chocolate milk and mud.
The one from Indiana Jones was pretty intense.
Late 80s/early 90s TV and school training/announcements made my little kid brain think:
- I would be on fire frequently
- I would occasionally have to trust my rusty desk to protect me from the building collapsing from an earthquake/tornado/communists
- I would have to really actively try to avoid drugs because roving gangs of bad guys (denoted by bandannas and leather jackets) would try to drag me into an alley, pin me down, and inject me with very expensive heroin... for fun?
- When I grew old my bones would just be broken constantly. The "I've fallen and I can't get up" old people would break their hips by falling down once and I was like, "I trip over my shoelaces and eat shit like five times a day. Oh no!"
Edit: I know old people really can break bones easily with a simple fall. But as a little kid that fell down daily on the playground I didn’t realize adults could make it days, months, or even years without taking a spill.
Remember tornado drills? My 1st grade self thought they meant that an actual giant drill was going to come up through the floor of the school and hurt me. Shit was terrifying.
Shit I thought they were tomato drills. Early 90's tv really done me up.
That intro song is ingrained in my memory.
These days, you can find Facebook posts passing off photos of school tornado drills as the schools forcing kids to do Islamic prayers. People are insane.
Lmao that's great
Not just that you'd be on fire but that it would be spontaneous human combustion.
Channels like A&E, Discovery, etc when I was a kid were obsessed with Bermuda Triangle, Spontaneous Human Combustion, and Alien Abduction. Seems like those were the big 3.
Also sharks and Nazis. The latter are making a comeback though, unfortunately.
I'm glad those channels were still obsessed with Hitler when I was a kid. At least we got real history.
Spontaneous human combustion is my favorite clearly fake supernatural occurrence that I no longer believe in but still want to. #teachthecontroversy
Why was it such a thing? I literally have not heard mention of it in 10 years, but it seemed like not a week went by without hearing about it back then...
I think it's related to people not smoking indoors as much anymore.
Many old people actually only need to fall once to never get up or soon after pass away :(
Yeah I was gonna say the last part is actually true for a lot of elderly people, even ones who exercise regularly and take their health seriously. Remember how RBG broke her ribs? She basically just tripped, and she was unable to get up for hours until somebody found her on the ground iirc.
Hip is the bad one. It's often said that you don't fall and break your hip. Your hip breaks and you fall. It's also a stressful recovery for a person that already may not be in good health.
Just get me those new plastic hips fam I'll be ready to twerk again
Just give me Adamantium bones
If anyone deserves them its RBG.
Aw yeah baby heavy metal poisoning
I can only give you one super strong bone.
To clarify my original post, I do understand that it only takes one random seemingly minor trip and fall to really do damage to an elderly person's bones.
But healthy adults can go months/years/decades without tripping and falling on the ground. As a kid that would trip and fall while playing on the playground daily I figured that I would be breaking new bones every week when I was 70.
I think the falling thing is more of an issue if it's an older person with nobody regularly checking in on them. If they fall, it may make them immobile and if unchecked, could die
I think that’s how the guy that invented Atkins died.
If you get into any type of vessel on a body of water, you will inevitably have to deal with a whirlpool or 4 story waterfall. They're everywhere. And if you sink, there's definitely going to be a giant clam down there to grab your leg and make sure you never get back up.
By any chance, did you have to line up in the hall shirtless and bend over to be checked for scoliosis by the teacher? I mentioned it recently to my fiancé and he was shocked cause he never had those checks. Now I’m wondering if I should have told my mom....
I remember this happening like in 2nd or 3rd grade but after that it never happened again.
Why the fuck would someone be on fire frequently?
old people would break their hips by falling down once
old people would break their hips by falling down once
that's true though
Did you grow up in Arizona too? Lol.
No but the killer bee stuff used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid
Regular bees scare the shit out of me as an adult
Nothing unreasonable about that.
They’re terrifying. What kind of animal only stings you more if you freak out? Such bullies.
Yellow jackets. Fucking bastards.
I've walked into ground nests in my garden 4 times over the past 5 years (around a dozen stings each time), and i am now sensitive/allergic.
This year we trapped the queens in early spring and I finally had a quiet summer.
Congrats on your victory in war! Such good news.
My brother, when he was young, came across a swarm of bumblebees I think (or just regular bees). He said he remembered my dad saying “be still and you’ll be ok”. What he didn’t realize is that if they’re already attacking you need to run away and not be still.
So there he was, sitting perfectly still while getting stung hundreds of times. Nearly died and is now extremely allergic. Such a sad memory picturing him standing there thinking “I’ll listen to dad!”
Wow, that's sad. I feel bad for him. Trying to pass information on to kids in a way where they will actually understand what you mean is something I think about a lot. I don't think there's a foolproof solution for it.
Its fucking annoying but I'm a full grown adult and every time a yellow jacket comes too close to me my body just goes into fight or flight and I start spazzing out trying to get as far away from them as I can
Hi a full grown adult and every time a yellow jacket comes too close to me my body just goes into fight or flight and i start spazzing out trying to get as far away from them as i can, I'm dad.
Anybody in America around 25 - 35 probably remembers when that was the hottest national news on the playground.
It was explained on discovery or something that the bees that could survive through the winter months were inbred with european bees and less aggressive overall.
NorCal and always on the lookout.
Scared me and I live in Michigan
I remember as a kid seeing a picture in some science magazine that showed three scientists in beekeepers outfits watching helplessly as all these killer bees made its way into the southwestern states. I was terrified because I lived in New Mexico, and we were supposed to get hit by them. Talk about a bummer of an apocalypse.
They’ve colonized a good portion of the south including southern New Mexico. People just stay inside a lot more and people who work outside mostly know to leave them alone. They’ll send a couple scouts to dive bomb you if you’re getting too close to the hives. Some bee keepers have actually started using them because they’re hardier than European bees and are terrific honey producers. They’re more territorial and will chase you for miles if you piss them off but unless you come too close to a hive or swarm the behavior isn’t much different from the usual bee. The main concern is ecological and agricultural since they’re not as good for pollinating some plants we’d traditionally use European bees for.
Maybe all that acid rain they talked about has kept the bees at bay.
Acid rain is actually a great example of a big problem successfully tackled by strong environmental policy. The hole in the ozone layer is doing a lot better too.
Tell this to my conservatarded dad who's adamant that there should be no Federal EPA, each state should have there own, and if one states garbage environmental policy damages the environment of a neighboring state, they ought to take it up with each other, and worst case it goes to a Federal court. I think he secretly wants another civil war.
I'm going to assume he also claims the civil war was about state rights and calls out aggression the North?
Cap and trade works!
Acid rain was a real threat but it was neutralized by the desulfurization process of coal.
also catalytic converters to knock out NOx.
Acid rain reminds me of this song: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm6hcG5GT24
Man that’s a cut, love me some people under the stairs
Happy cake day!
Oh would ya look at that! Thanks!
Did you lie? Is it not really your cake day?
Cake day is the day you make your reddit account-not your actual bday
Are you openly admitting to me you didn't sign up on your birthday?
This one RIGHT here officer.
-__- I’ve been framed!
Reminds me of this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmo1VW_wA_o
This is such a great tune. Brings me back to college, getting stoned and going on cruises with friends. Good times
I mean they did kill 1000 people lol
Killer bees were 1/3 of a 9/11, or a 3/11 if you will.
Ranch it up mulattos
Do you have a source on that? I'm not saying you are wrong but I'm not finding anything with lazy googling
1000 people killed over time is what I think it is saying. I didn’t follow the source to check but I assume we would have heard if it was all on the same day:)
Desktop link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Africanized_bee
/r/HelperBot_ Downvote to remove. Counter: 288064. Found a bug?
You need to work on your google skills, took me like 5 seconds to find this: https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/68/wr/mm6829a5.htm
It's like 50-100 people per year in the US. Also this includes hornets and wasps, so just bees is likely lower.
No reason to be rude, especially when you're wrong. The claim was about africanized honey bees. This data is for all bees in addition to hornets and wasps as you mentioned. That hardly corroborates 1000 people from killer bees.
the number of people killed by bees is identically the number of people killed by killer bees
That's not exactly true. Killer Bees is phrase used to refer specifically to "Africanized" honey bees (actually just hybrids of African and European bees but called Africanized because imperialism).
Even if you want to pretend that isn't true, and that we are talking about lowercase killer bees, that still wouldn't include wasps, hornets, etc.
So you’re saying killer bees are behind 9/11? It all makes sense now!
Over how long though?
The math checks out.
I’ll allow it.
We had an assembly on killer bees in elementary school and they told us that we could out run the bees but that we had to keep running because the bees wouldn't stop for awhile. They also told us not to jump in water to get away because the bees would wait for you to get out. I think if you grew up in a border state, they instilled some real fear in you.
Wu Tang Killer Bees
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Wu tang killa bees on the swarm
They’ve already taken Japan!!!
The 90s are over dude
My parents were told there’d be someone trying to kidnap me on basically a daily basis.
When I was six, this bald guy in a black Cadillac (like a bad guy in a movie to me) pulled up beside me, rolled down his window, and started asking me how to get to the local firehouse. I was so terrified of getting kidnapped that I just took off on my bike, blew through a stop sign, and almost got hit by a truck.
Edit: The guy in the truck then pulled up on me and said, “what’s wrong with you? I could’ve killed you!” I guess I didn’t feel like explaining that I thought I was about to be kidnapped, so I just apologized and peddled away. I am now the dad of a six year old. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word kidnap; he just knows he’s not allowed to go anywhere with strangers, which I think is sufficient knowledge for a 6 yr old.
That’s pretty rude. What if he was on fire
It was the 80’s, so he would’ve known to stop, drop, and roll.
Wait, why didnt you run away from the second guy?
Most people are good people
A guy tried to shove me in his car, and I'm assuming rape me when I was 14, so like 2005. Sixteen years later I still get "I can't imagine what you went through.."
I beat the shit out of that fat, scrub wearing nurse, got away and ran like hell. My first thought when he drove off was "people actually do kidnap children."
Honest question, what would you prefer people say?
I don't know, doesn't bother me and seems like the correct response. I feel weird because I have a little guilt for how hard I fought back. Makes no sense, but hurting someone kind of mixes in with victim guilt. A guy tried to hurt me, I hurt him..
I think I'd prefer people don't see me as attacked, but as a wirey kid who fucked up a villain and got away. That's what I worked on in therapy: it's okay that I fought back.
That makes complete sense, thank you for the reply
Ehh. Lots of very crappy people out there, just generally not crappy enough or stupid enough to be a kidnapper.
Most of the time
"Hey there. Would you like some candy?"
The probability of the horror-story stranger kidnapping and murdering a child is so low that it's not considered a statistic.
I dunno, in the 80s everyone let thier kids run wild. The stranger danger stuff is more prevalent now, to the point where parents barely let thier kids outside.
Ah thank you, I was like where did I hear this joke in stand up? Love John Mulaney
And repost it ad nauseum
I remember going through the Bermuda Triangle on the Disney Cruise when I was 11 and crying lmao
Wait youre still alive?
Yeah unfortunately Iol
If i were to die, the Burmuda Triangle wouldnt be a bad choice
I would also like to mysteriously disappear please.
aye man if you wanna talk I'm here.
Thanks so much! Appreciate it and didn't mean to upset or concern anyone haha, was just meant to be a dark joke :P
I actually just started therapy again so I'm all good, but you're super nice for that :)
We flew over it on the way to the Bahamas in 1976. My brother was terrified we’d crash and THEN have to fend off Jaws. I figured at least the crashing in the water would put out my spontaneous combustion but maybe sharks preferred medium rare humans so at least THEN I’d be killed quickly by Jaws so as to be spared whatever horrors awaited those who disappeared into the triangle.
Well I’m from the Bahamas (I’ve been in many boats in waters said to be apart of the triangle) and although I’m not dead I do feel like it at times.
Oof. The feels in that. It’s funny but then again it’s also a bummer if you’re literally depressed enough to feel that way. I’ve been in those waters (depression that is) and it’s no easy paddle. If you are too there is help out of that. You can PM me if you feel like reaching out. If it matters I was once very good (bad?) at self medicating. I am no longer depressed OR self medicate (1084 days clean of the second and nearly as long without thinking about offing myself every hour for the first). I hope you were just kidding but if not I’m not kidding. Maybe I can help.
Ah a kind soul. Honestly I wrote the comment in half jest. I’m doing a lot better than I was earlier this year. Slow and steady wins the race after all :) . Thank you though for reaching out!
Ok. I’m glad you’re doing better. Offer still stands. Maybe a stranger across the continent can be a help if you ever need it. I’m on the west coast of Canada.
Hi glad you’re doing better. offer still stands. maybe a stranger across the continent can be a help if you ever need it. , I'm dad.
God damn this dadbot! Without fail!!!!!
Maybe the crying saved you from going to Epstein's island. I guess in way, we are dealing with the Bermuda triangle today.
and how many times i’d catch on fire, necessitating stop drop and roll
Fun Fact - Stop drop and roll isn't really all that effective at putting out a fire. It accomplishes two things:
The rolling is to ensure you cook evenly on all sides.
"It's only spreading the flames!"
The potential of this thread is mind blowing
I was deathly afraid of black holes.
Another black hole survivor here.
Me too, barely.
Lmao this is a big one.
I remember as a kid seeing pictures in tv shows or in articles about black holes, which visually represented them by literally drawing a black circle on top of a house or a map of the USA. With titles like “Could a black hole destroy the earth?”
For a long time I was convinced that black holes were only the size of a house and could spring up randomly at any time. I envisioned at any moment one would appear and randomly surprise attack suck me in. V scary
My old health teacher back in elementary had two full fucking classes just about how to get out of quicksand. I live in Texas.
This is less funny copy of the version with quicksand.
ITT: People awkardly trying to pretend John Mulaneye joke is theirs
My wish for it to mysteriously swallow me grew by my age
"The harder you struggle, the faster you will sink."
Me: [struggles furiously]
A shitty rehashing of John Mulaney's quicksand joke.
What ever happened to acid rain? They talked about it constantly in the 90s when I was growing up.
Air regulations and a drop in the usage of coal for power and such made it so we weren't putting a bunch of sulfur dioxide into the air and instances of acid rain dropped heavily.
Same thing with the hole in the ozone. Banning the propellants that were causing it the most made it so the hole is damn near gone at this point.
Pretty amazing that there was a time when meaningful environmental legislation could be passed
What's sad is that a lot of my super right wing family members (like - stopping just short of white sheets and swastikas - think Trump is a dirty liberal - that stuff) - they love to spew that anti-science narrative.
The other day, my cousin shared an article about how the ozone hole was far smaller than what they were reporting decades ago, and how the ozone hole is just fearmongering.
Never did he consider the fact that the new data was showing that the hole was repaired when we stopped using CFCs and similar chemicals.
If we were to magically fix climate change in a year, that too would suddenly be a "massive hoax".
I've YET to encounter any quicksand or lava, either.
And where are all these people offering me drugs god damn it!
The John Mulaney is strong with this one
It's like a less funny version of a 7 year old John Mulaney joke
This is just a riff on Mulaney’s quicksand joke.
I, too, saw John Mulaney’s specials
Isn’t this just the Mulaney joke but with the BT instead of quicksand? (Which a bunch of people are commenting quicksand)
Did anyone ever figure out what the hell "spontaneous human combustion" was all about? I was so worried that was gonna happen to me.
As someone who frequents this sub, I thought I'd have to deal with this shitty ripped-off joke a lot less than I have.
Sounds like a stolen Jon Mulaney joke.
I used to live near somewhere called Bermuda Park, which iirc had three restaurants (McDonald’s was one I think, there was a kids place called The Wacky Warehouse, and I think a Brewers Fayre?)
But yeah, I used to think that was the Bermuda Triangle.
This is a carbon copy of a John Mulaney bit
This is a stolen joke. And the original is quick sand. Cant remember the comedian.
Cues Unsolved Mysteries music
I was terrified of it, too. Old In Search Of episodes with Leonard Nimoy.
Unsolved Mysteries led me to believe this and spontaneous human combustion were real threats.
That and the Killer Bees... 🐝
“I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life, I was never like "Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?"
Literally the top three comments are just repurposed John Mulaney lines.
If you sort this thread by “new” you can see fresh “and quicksand!” comments being added every two minutes.
I am downvoting them one by one because I feel very strongly about this for some reason
As a Bermudian the actual triangle is small town politics, extreme judgement and unrestrained capitalism.🤫
In the words of John Mulaney:
Quicksand was not as much of an issue as I thought. As a child, I believed it to be one of the 3 problems of adult life, right next to falling anvils and real sticks of dynamite.
Que shit jokes about quicksand and getting set in fire....
Actually, I’m quite surprised that not only have I completely avoided the Bermuda Triangle, but I’ve never once been attacked by killer bees or lost a limb to flesh-eating bacteria.
That and quicksand. I thought that shit was everywhere.
And now I don't have to eat sugar snap peas. Take that Mom and Dad!
I'd like to add killer bees to the list.
I also read the apple news article about things we forgot about
Oh don’t know where to look
This truly terrified me most of my childhood.
For me, I was so paranoid that I would spontaneously combust at home.
They should have kept calling it the Devil's Triangle, then maybe it'd seem more threatening in current year. Like Tornado Alley.
Actual anxiety over this problem as a child. Fear of cruise ships and airplanes going anywhere near. Good thing we were too poor to travel 👏🏼😂
You should thank your parents right now!
Years of academic training wasted
Let's not forget carnivorous plants!
My husband works in the satellite industry. It actually does affect their work. It’s called the South Atlantic Anomaly.
Late 70s school drills for curling up in the hallway in the event of nuclear war and The Day After still cause the occasional fucked up nightmare.
Also whirlpools and quicksand
For real! And I'm even from Florida
For me it was Bigfoot. I was pretty certain he/she/it was gonna show up in my back yard some evening....
I deal with the Balkan triangle every day - a place where hope, money and happiness misteriously disappear .
This... Is actually scary accurate
No one has offered me free drugs yet and its disappointing because coke is getting really expensive
Things from my childhood that I thought I would have to deal with but have never had to deal with:
And quick sand.. dont forget quicksand and how not to sink
Yes, I haven't had to "Stop - Drop - and Roll", get fished out of quicksand, or had to "Duck and Cover". I'm glad all three have spared me, especially the last one.
Mine would be giant hogweeds and quicksand!
Edit: add link with photos of the plants and their burns!
Speak for yourself
I feel the same way about cat's up trees.
People often complain that at school they had to learn about a lot of stuff that they've never used once in adult life.
But think about all the stuff they don't bother to teach you that also wouldn't have been useful.
Throw that in with quicksand and fools gold...apparently I thought I was going to be Indiana Jones
Probably because you're a virgin. That's the real Bermuda triangle.
Thought my friend who was a year older than me was so lucky for not being kidnapped by the time she was 7. My mom used a lot of fear tactics so she didn’t have to hunt us down in the grocery store...
Lmfao, that triangle effects us a whole lot more than you would imagine. "Us as a human species."
For me I knew the killer bees coming north from South America via Africa was going to kill me.
i actually thought about this a lot. Kinda obsessed
What is up with this title?
Spontaneous combustion, killer bees, acid rain, quicksand, bermuda triangle
So did we ever figure out what the Bermuda Triangle was?
Was it just people crashing into the ocean and drowning because there was no nearby land?
As a child of the 80s I can say they were fixated on Bermuda Triangle, lochness, Bigfoot and resurrection Mary.
The guy who tweeted this isnt even white...
Watched both Armageddon and Deep Impact one late night when I was like 8 years old and I was absolutely sure all my friends and family were going to die
THIS IS TOO TRUE,
I used to think about this all the time!
That's how it gets ya. STAY VIGILANT
u/solarflare87 true story
That and moving sand lmao
I'm out in the Triangle several times a month. It hasn't killed me yet. Unlike Epstein, who was murdered.
Ain't that the truth
Is this really early 90s stuff? I was born in 99 and still was scared out of my mind about quicksand jajajaja
I was always worried that hobos would be constantly trying to wash my windshield.
There is no Bermuda Triangle.
I feel like the Bermuda triangle was strongest in the 90s. but as the internet came about it sort of lost its power. then we started being able to predict weather accurately with video game computers linked up and well...the ocean is just powerful and we are but tiny specks of dust.
I blame History Channel
This, and killer bees.
Kinda wish I had enough money to go get lost there
Scariest moment of my life: flying to Bermuda, plane got struck my lightening, all the lights temporarily went out. I fully accepted my imminent doom.
Plane landed an hour and had a great vacation!
Before I entered first grade I was terrified of getting sent to the principals office (because it always happened to students on tv). Never once has it happened and I'm in college now
Lara Croft did
Black holes! Black holes everywhere eating our little planet up. I remember my dad watching some documentary about it and I wasn’t able to sleep for the longest time. I was so scared.
Jaws. Total paralyzing fear of sharks. And we lived on a lake a good 12 drive to the ocean.
Yeah, maybe it’s a southern near a large river thing... but I was really afraid I’d be battling quick sand my entire life. Now I see that I rarely even deal with sand in general.
I live in Bermuda and can confirm I am not dead (yet?)
Blackholes scared the shit out of me.
I don’t get it?
I feel like this is what it’s like to be an ignorant dumb adult. Like a child, you’re afraid of all these ridiculous things you hear about that really don’t affect you at all. I mean I used to be afraid of my fair share of “scary” stuff as a kid, but all of the smarter people grow out of it.
Seriously wtf happened with that BS bermuda triangle that nobody is ever talking about anymore?
Let me guess, secret military base was taking down all those planes and ships... but oh no! aliens and demons most probably...
The guy I'm the picture steals sooo many tweets
Hi the picture steals sooo many tweets, I'm dad.
You win this time dad
I always thought it was important to know the types of clouds
Honestly I've had to deal with the Florian triangle more...
Yes! Now I know it is all just bullshit. But I was afraid of these things as a child.
ITT: people butthurt that John Mulaney’s joke is being used
I assumed quicksand, the Bermuda triangle, and spontaneous human combustion were mankind's greatest threats.
I love Mulaney too but the reason the joke is funny is because other people feel the same way. He wasn’t the first to say it...
The Bermuda triangle is next to you everyday: here
Same with lava
Bear traps on my foot for me
The floor turning into lava was also a serious concern I dealt with for many childhood years.
As a child I was apparently much smarter. I knew i would never have to deal with it. It was intriguing for sure though. Hell, it was even creepy. Too bad it was all hype and no substance.
I thought I would grow up to solve the mystery of the Marie Celeste