That's a good excuse
56388 upvotes
369 comments
kevinowdziej
1 week ago
That's a good excuse
sassydodo
2910
1 week ago

weed is prescribed for my migraine and cocaine got in my blood when I was licking strippers butt

noneofmybusinessbutt
889
1 week ago

The first lick is free

xXColaXx
406
1 week ago

If you never lift your tongue it still counts as 1 lick.

PerfectlyTimedGimly
140
1 week ago

IT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!

OutlawCattleRustler
58
1 week ago

Soup is not a meal

faerytold
36
1 week ago

I dont understand this reference, but i want to.

Johnlasagan
46
1 week ago

Its from Seinfeld, Jerry is supposed to repay someone by taking them out to dinner. But after they get to the restaurant the guy decides he only wants soup, so he wants another free dinner and it'll "only count as one"

Bricknody
12
1 week ago

It's gold, Jerry, gold!

LukariBRo
9
1 week ago

It should also be added that Jerry already can't stand the guy and is very reluctant to take him out for a meal just because he gave him a free suit that the guy didn't want. So it's even funnier when he uses the "soup is not a meal" to essentially try and force Jerry to have to spend even more time with him.

Collin70
1
1 week ago

Jerry doesn't like anyone, though.

euphratestiger
1
1 week ago

so he wants another free dinner and it'll "only count as one"

Sort of. Jerry agrees to have a meal with Kenny Bania (another comic). When they are at the restaurant, Bania decides to just have soup instead and says that this isn't "the meal" because soup doesn't count as a meal.

IT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!

That's Gimli in' Return of the King' talking about Legolas taking down thatbig elephant-looking creature.

Johnlasagan
1
1 week ago

Bruh.. you just described exactly what I said lol. I know, the other guy made the joke about the soup

euphratestiger
3
1 week ago

The quote we're talking about isn't from Seinfeld though. Bania never refers to the soup as 'only counts as one'. So, I guess I'm not sure where you're coming from...

grednforgesgirl
1
1 week ago

Username checks out

R____I____G____H___T
9
1 week ago

It'll probably taste like failure, misery, and self-destruction. Never worth it.

RideTheLighting
37
1 week ago

You’re licking the wrong stripper butts

Ilayis
5
1 week ago

Idk he seemed like a decent stripper to me.

maebeanknot
2
1 week ago
eyeIl
3
1 week ago

You're a bigger buzzkill than that one guy. Buzz Killington

GrosRooster
42
1 week ago

How many licks can I get for a Klondike bar?

millerzeke
16
1 week ago

69

HeywardYouBlowMe
14
1 week ago

Nice.

RadiReturns
10
1 week ago

Nice.

PocketSnails68
8
1 week ago

Nice.

MeweBlackheart
11
1 week ago

Nice.

800mgVitaminM
1
1 week ago

Nice

BorisKafka
3
1 week ago

How many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Flo's booty hole?

mphatik
6
1 week ago

69

ArchFiveStar
17
1 week ago

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

bone420
9
1 week ago

Is that the Epstein bear?

sweetafton
15
1 week ago

The Epstain Bears.

bone420
14
1 week ago

That's not what I remember,

Another Mendoza effect

Matthewroytilley
4
1 week ago

lol

Matthewroytilley
3
1 week ago

mandoozled again

Cheif-Jordan
91
1 week ago

Boss: “Why were you with a stripper”

Me: “Uh, it was straight business boss man”

DaleDimmaDone
12
1 week ago

I hope you filled out your expense report this time!

Medicatedwarrior365
8
1 week ago

Boss: "...."

Cheif-Jordan: "no seriously it was I swear! I even used the company charge card to prove it"

broncotate27
23
1 week ago

That's when you say you confused the normal sugar for booger sugar

Resident_Comment
18
1 week ago

Tennis player Richard Gasquet tested positive for cocaine and was provesionally suspended, he claimed that it got into his system because he kissed a stripper, the anti-doping guys were fine with that exuse.

Source

clastfapper
3
1 week ago

Similar story for a Candian pole vaulter during the 2016 Olympics.

Catermelons
3
1 week ago

Or for setting that broken nose as medicinal cocaine is still one of the most effective ways to numb the nasal cavity.

NorthernLaw
1
1 week ago

Lmao

callthewambulance
1
1 week ago

Found Jon Jones' reddit account

aedroogo
1
1 week ago

Calm down, Mr. Owl.

R____I____G____H___T
-11
1 week ago

weed is prescribed for my migraine

Any doctor legitimately doing so should be sacked and investigated rapidly.

General_GTFO
8
1 week ago

For prescribing a medicine that works for their patient?

ponydingo
7
1 week ago

I have terrible migraines 3-4 times a week and weed is the only thing that actually dulls the pain enough to sleep so idk

PaddiM8
2
1 week ago

Do you seriously believe this? You keep saying shit like this but you never bring any sources

hamithesquirrel
852
1 week ago

I’m a medical student currently and I legit had a guy tell us he failed his opioid test because of poppyseed bagels. For some reason he admitted to using cocaine a lot, but not opioids.

TbrendanM
394
1 week ago

I’ve had a coworker tell me he’s six years sober. I also remember him buying hard shit outside of the job site in the same week. He was doing a phone call and I happened to walk by as he said he’s got money and to meet in the parking lot, must’ve been pizza right? Haha

He didn’t last long lol.

Fresh_Bulgarian_Miak
48
1 week ago

Maybe he is six years sober from pizza. Quite being so judgemental.

RunSilentRunDrapes
1
1 week ago

Par for the course in the restaurant industry as well. Ignoring drug deals is a big part of the skill set.

R____I____G____H___T
-70
1 week ago

This is why companies should have all the legal right behind them to perform drug tests on their potential employees during interviews. Unfortunate that such policies is trying to be infringed upon.

IAmTheGingerWolf
47
1 week ago

Or, why don't we just let people do what the fuck they want to do at home?

[deleted]
-33
1 week ago

[deleted]

FrogsGoMoo
37
1 week ago

Big difference between being high at home and high at work.

iLiketodothings
18
1 week ago

Okay that's a dumb argument. Employers have every right to react to how you arrive at work.

HollandMonk
12
1 week ago

You’ve never even seen cocaine before have you? If you do some coke an hour before work you won’t even be high by the time you clock in. I’m not even advocating that someone do that but you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about

[deleted]
-21
1 week ago

[deleted]

HollandMonk
17
1 week ago

Maybe you got sold some meth. Coke does not have a long lasting high, that’s like the first thing you’ll learn about coke after the high price

LukariBRo
2
1 week ago

Eh he's sort of right. The high is gone after an hour but there's some lasting effects. You're not back to normal after an hour, and could be arguably impaired.

HollandMonk
2
1 week ago

I agree there’s an afterglow. In another comment he mentions being wired for hours though. That’s not coke

[deleted]
-21
1 week ago

[deleted]

catsdoit
8
1 week ago

Umm he's right though. According to wikipedia

Cocaine is a powerful nervous system stimulant.[22] Its effects can last from 15 or 30 minutes to an hour.

tikirej
2
1 week ago

Might want to use NIDA instead of Wikipedia. Same information but a lot more credible source.

IAmTheGingerWolf
6
1 week ago

Just because you smoke marijuana doesn't mean you know how any other drug works.

tikirej
5
1 week ago

Per the national institute on drug abuse (aka a part of the US government)

Cocaine's effects appear almost immediately and disappear within a few minutes to an hour. How long the effects last and how intense they are depend on the method of use. Injecting or smoking cocaine produces a quicker and stronger but shorter-lasting high than snorting. The high from snorting cocaine may last 15 to 30 minutes. The high from smoking may last 5 to 10 minutes.

Drug tests are an even bigger joke because amphetamines, cocaine and opioids stay in your body and detectable, by a piss test, for about 24 hours. Weed stays detectable by a pisstest for a few days. So if you, during the Friday night, snort done cocaine, smoke some meth, pop some oxycodone and smoke a joint the only thing a drug test will find come Monday morning is the weed.

[deleted]
-1
1 week ago

[deleted]

HollandMonk
3
1 week ago

I’ve don’t coke more than enough times. It lasts for 10-30 minutes and then you feel a little discomfort. What you’re describing sounds like meth

IAmTheGingerWolf
9
1 week ago

CDL drivers are held to a different set of responsibilities. I would know seeing as I am one. Obviously there are some jobs that you just cannot do any drugs, however for most people just let them do whatever they want when they are home.

imma_fungi_
3
1 week ago

Doing 6 lines and coming to work wouldn’t be tolerated any more than drinking 6 beers and doing so. No one here is arguing that people should be allowed to come to work under the influence. FOH.

ben7amin
1
1 week ago

Yes! I mean you shouldn't do it though

bassinine
15
1 week ago

nah, that's a stupid idea.

pandaimonia
7
1 week ago

Reddit is full of stupid ideas, this is one of the stupider ones.

IDoMethInPublic
2
1 week ago

That wont stop my crippling addiction to ketamine 😎

HollandMonk
2
1 week ago

During the interview stage? I’m going to assume you’re a troll because it’s perfectly legal and extremely common to be drug tested before being hired.

stoddish
4
1 week ago

Most other western countries make it illegal to drug test before employment. Because why should they know what you’re doing outside of hours you are paid?

FortunateHominid
1
1 week ago

Most common reason is for company insurance requirements. Others depending on the type of work can be required by the safety programs adopted/required by the company or those hiring the company for specific services.

Example: Our company does contract work. One of our clients safety programs require 100% of our employees to be drug tested yearly (randoms). Another only requires a % of field personnel yearly. They can also have different types of test in their requirements.

Many companies in the US don't have a choice regarding drug testing.

holyfuckbatman
2
1 week ago

Do you spend all your time being wrong on Reddit?

Carbon_FWB
2
1 week ago

Lmao fuggin gottem

bondagewithjesus
1
1 week ago

You mean like the right to privacy being infringed upon by a drug test

g192
173
1 week ago

Poppy seed bagels absolutely can produce a positive result for opiates on a drug test, depending on the threshold the lab uses. The federal cutoff was raised to 2,000ng/mL to avoid false positives but a lot of independent and state labs use 300 ng/mL.

hamithesquirrel
50
1 week ago

I guess we learned that it was unlikely based on the cutoffs. And most poppy seeds are cleaned/cooked so that lowers the chance they would be positive. Didn’t realize some states used lower cutoffs. However, this guy was definitely lying.

Bonedeath
31
1 week ago

I used to test my pee before going onto a new jobsite (contract pipe welder) and one time it came up positive for opioids. I was bugging cause I definitely hadn't used opioids but then my wife reminded me that I ate two poppy seed bagels over the weekend.

hexthanatonaut
15
1 week ago

Yeah I can also confirm I've failed a drug test for opiates because of bagels. I've never touched an opiate in my life but I failed the test. They let me take it again after 40 minutes and I had a very faint line so I just barely passed the test.

greengiant89
21
1 week ago

Can eating hemp seed cause a positive test for marijuana?

ItsAFarOutLife
39
1 week ago

No

uttermybiscuit
117
1 week ago

Lmao this dude was about to go into an interview talking about his hemp seed bagel

carlaolio
-2
1 week ago

😂

seven_N_A7
24
1 week ago

No but having any kind of CBD product can, they are not FDA approved, and have basically no regulation. They can certainly contain enough THC to test positive.

dkthafuture
13
1 week ago

My brother doesn’t smoke but failed a test due to cbd gummies

BagelMatt
1
1 week ago

Most tests dont check for THC, they check for cannabinoids which is present in both THC and CBD products

Raikiribokken
5
1 week ago

That and the fact that CBD slightly crossreacts (5ish%) on many tests that rely on both molecules' layout.

carlaolio
7
1 week ago

My old boss had told me I should start having hemp on everything because it "fixed" her. She didn't know I regularly partake in the Special Plant each night for my own health reasons... Then she told me when I have hemp on my breakfast cereal, she will come to pick me up for work so I don't get pulled over for driving under the influence...

I didn't have the heart to tell her that everything she said was wrong and she was adamant that it has helped her and hey if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

greengiant89
3
1 week ago

Well it's very good for you so depending on what her issues were it could have fixed them.

Theresnofuccingnames
3
1 week ago

Probably not. As far as I know they don’t test for marijuana, just THC, which isn’t in hemp

RossPerotVan
1
1 week ago

It has to contain less than. 3% and is not legal as a food additive.

Theresnofuccingnames
1
1 week ago

?

RossPerotVan
2
1 week ago

Sorry I wrote that when I was half asleep... Hemp/CBD does contain THC but it has to contain less than .3%

BagelMatt
1
1 week ago

Most tests actually register cannabinoids which is present in both THC and CBD products

Goredrak
-2
1 week ago

Ehhhhhh

Goawaynaz3e
10
1 week ago

Why would they test you for antidepressants that's kind of weird some people actually really need them and they are prescribed by a doctor for clinical depression, perhaps the one in the article can be abused I abused zoloft once I didn't sleep for like 4 days my girlfriend was actually concerned that I was nervous around her because my heart was beating so hard and I had become scared of her lol I straight up just her the truth she was god damnit why would you do that?

DropBearsAreReal12
24
1 week ago

This reads like you haven't slept in 4 days...

RunSilentRunDrapes
7
1 week ago

No idea what you're talking about prescription drugs don't affect your writing my cousin takes zoloft and Amitriptyline and gabapentin and geodon and ambien and still works full-time as a copywriter for childrens' magazines and everyone says she's the best writer since Władysław Reymont and she should be published in the New England Journal of Medicine because she's so smart and capable and also a really great cook and bocce ball player and no lol the prescriptions make no difference whatsoever ask any doctor.

PolishHammerMK
1
1 week ago

I literally just watched the episode where Elaine gets fired for eating poppy seed muffins

Carboneraser
1
1 week ago

Happened to me when I was on methadone. That wasn't fun

PBR_Sheetz
42
1 week ago

maybe cocaine good heroin bad?

itchyfrog
29
1 week ago

Cocaine nice once in a while, heroin much harder to do.

FrankTank3
3
1 week ago

*10 times once in a while

Zeyn1
3
1 week ago

I only did cocaine once..... For three months.

.

For the squares out there, that joke kills with anyone that's been on a coke bender. People will be on coke for days and weeks on end.

drymeatsfrydeep
0
1 week ago

Not really unless you're IVing. Heroin and cocaine are equally shitty highs without the needle.

thatinsuranceguy
25
1 week ago

I mean...yeah?

puesyomero
6
1 week ago

Ones an upper and the other a downer so kinda?

cocainebane
3
1 week ago

Hi

danceswithwool
2
1 week ago

Some people are just like that. They don’t have a problem admitting negative things that are true so they fight like hell if something isn’t. I actually kind of believe the guy. He’s like yeah I’ve done cocaine but just for the record I have not used opioids.

Afeazo
25
1 week ago

I had a cousin fail a drug test because the holidays just ended and our family makes a lot of deserts with poppyseed in it.

He worked there for a long time and he for sure did not look like an opioid addict, so they had him redo it and he passed.

idiomaddict
22
1 week ago

I was once embarrassed about how little water I had drunk and how dark my urine was at the doctor’s office, so I added tap water in the bathroom. I then tested positive for heroin and, luckily, my doctor let me redo the test.

I just drink extra water now.

olehik
28
1 week ago

Your doctor has a heroin tap in the bathroom?

idiomaddict
14
1 week ago

Right? The temptation is almost too much!

They actually said that I tested positive for heroin metabolites, which is why they could tell the difference between heroin and other opiates.

wearenottheborg
3
1 week ago

Why would not drinking water cause that? Or did you eat poppyseed?

Takedown22
8
1 week ago

He meant something in the tap water tested positive for it.

joelseph
1
1 week ago

Which is totally within the realm of normal things that have happened..

joelseph
1
1 week ago

Didn't see heroin mentioned in any of the articles. Wonder why?

Universal15
1
1 week ago

Dude false positives happen all the time, how dense do you have to be.

wearenottheborg
1
1 week ago

Wow that's crazy!

idiomaddict
2
1 week ago

I have no idea why it would, but I think it was the tap water that did it. I don’t generally eat much poppyseed, and I’ve never used heroin. I asked if it could be any opiates, because I had used Percocet (prescribed) a few months prior, but they said that the test showed heroin and other opiates separately.

Afeazo
1
1 week ago

I guarantee it was just a false positive. Even if a full blown heroin addict pissed in the toilet before you, they always flush it before someone goes in for a drug test.

Then again, doctors do not really do drug tests where I am at, if you take a drug test for employment you go to a clinic that specializes in it and they pour blue dye in the toilet so you cant try to dilute your urine to try and pass. I dont really get the point of doctors doing drug tests because if you do drugs you should tell them, doctors are there to help you and even if you use every drug out there they cant tell anyone due to HIPPA.

idiomaddict
1
1 week ago

I definitely used tap water, not toilet water!

I have to take a drug test at my doctor’s office because they prescribe me a controlled substance and it’s in an area where a lot of people try to scam doctors out of medication, so they want to ensure that anyone they prescribe to is taking their medication and is not taking other drugs.

3k5di
1
1 week ago

no, just heroin

alphaiten
2
1 week ago

Must have been super dark because ordinarily dilution can invalidate the test.

Notophishthalmus
1
1 week ago

Or not depending on the reason for the test. I guess if it’s waaay dilute it’s fucked but my employer accepted two negative dilute tests from me.

idiomaddict
1
1 week ago

It was embarrassingly dark, but not worrying (to a layman, but the doctor might disagree)

Reagan409
8
1 week ago

I think sometimes the coping mechanisms people develop to sustain their addictions involve ascribing all the bad traits of addiction to one substance, and then repressing all memories of it.

outkastragtop
3
1 week ago

Coincidentally, I just tested positive for a very low amount of morphine recently and I have not done any drugs of any kind in quite some time. The clinician believed me and said it could be diet, most likely poppy seeds and i just happen to be eating everything bagels on a daily basis lately. Yes, you absolutely can test positive for opiates if you eat something with poppy seeds.

[deleted]
2
1 week ago

[deleted]

J0h4n50n
10
1 week ago

Am I missing something here? Hasn’t it been proven by Mythbusters and other people that poppyseeds will make you fail a drug test if eaten close enough to the testing time?

ELL_YAY
4
1 week ago

I think it can but you have to eat an obscene amount of them.

RedHexagonSun
6
1 week ago

If they're unwashed which a ton of organic seeds are you need drastically less so its 100% possible. Shit, they're enough that people use them for the morphine and codeine content to use/abuse.

DesoTheDegenerate
10
1 week ago

Yeah it’s super easy to buy unwashed poppyseeds on Amazon, then brew a really strong morphine tea.

First time I tried it I used way more than I should have cause I was like “it just came from amazon no way this shit works” and I spent the next 6 hours with narcan in my hand wondering if I should abort the high.

Styleproxy
3
1 week ago

Tell us more

RedHexagonSun
2
1 week ago

Unfortunately not so easy via Amazon anymore. But you're totally right, it is not something to take lightly. I use it occasionally when my back pain is as bad as it gets and also occasionally recreationally, and I got narcan because theres just no reason to risk it. Even if you think you do everything perfectly have a safeguard. I havent even nodded and I'm not trying to, but I still got some from a link posted on reddit as a matter of fact.

puesyomero
1
1 week ago

Earlier tests had a ridiculously low threshold for a positive that got changed semi recently in some places

Chewy12
4
1 week ago

Yeah, poppy seeds do in fact have morphine and alkaloids in them. People even use them to get high by washing the morphine off with water and drinking it.

TempPolitics
2
1 week ago

For some reason he admitted to using cocaine a lot, but not opioids.

Then have you considered just, like, believing him? When he admits to using one blatantly illegal drug, I just... don't see why you wouldn't believe he doesn't use another.

Like, if you're a medical student then you should know that that actually does happen. The "unlikeliness" doesn't come from "what the threshold is / how many bagels were eaten" but what batch of poppyseeds were used. Some can have a truly ridiculous amount of morphine residue and some can have literally none (there's none in the seeds themselves). A single, unlucky bagel can put you over the thresholds for a drug test (which is why you just shouldn't fucking eat them more than a week before a drug test. Can't help it for a surprise test, of course).

Here's a reference for you. https://www.usada.org/can-poppyseeds-cause-a-positive-drug-test/ A medical student should really care about educating themselves about drugs.

hamithesquirrel
2
1 week ago

Ummm I did consider believing him, except his previous psychiatry notes had a very different story. But thanks for telling me to educate myself.
I understand poppy seeds can test positive, but in this case it was an obvious lie.

AntiNosy
1
1 week ago

Previous psychiatry notes? What does that mean?

Also why did your physician laugh at poppy seed excuse?

hamithesquirrel
1
1 week ago

Previous notes from his psychiatrist had a lot of information about his history that made it much less likely for the poppy seed to be the real reason. That’s why my physician found it funny.

AntiNosy
1
1 week ago

Why was a physician sharing the psychiatrist's notes about someone else with you?

hamithesquirrel
1
1 week ago

I had access to the patient’s notes. That’s standard in teaching hospitals

natephant
0
1 week ago

He’s only telling you to educate yourself because you sound like the most ill informed medical student on the face of the earth.

It’s almost as if you’re full of shit.

hamithesquirrel
0
1 week ago

Really? “The most ill informed medical student?” Why must people be so mean. I was just sharing a funny story I experienced. When I told my physician about the poppy seed bagel excuse he was literally laughing so hard. I’m not ill informed. I’m still a student so I’m happy to learn more (and always trying to), but I knew what I was doing in this instance.

[deleted]
1
1 week ago

[deleted]

hamithesquirrel
1
1 week ago

I wasn’t treating things as a joke. I’m not gonna share more about this patients history, but the reason he was there and his whole medical history was pretty crazy. I have already admitted above that poppy seeds can cause the false positive, but I was saying it was very unlikely in this case

ayy_md
2
1 week ago

He was lying because opioid addiction would probably have a negative affect on the chance of getting opioid meds prescribed, which is what he might have been there for.

junkmonk84
1
1 week ago

Theres more of a stigma around opioids right now.

SnrkyBrd
1
1 week ago

It's a psychology thing. "I have a problem, but they're worse off, so I'm fine". In a lot of addicts' minds, if you're doing blow and pills, you're fine, but the moment someone sticks a needle in their arm, they're "too far gone".

ybeaver7
1
1 week ago

NCAA athletes are told not to eat poppyseed. The testing protocols they use will register it as an opioid.

BlueberryPuffy
1
1 week ago

It can happen though.. I took too many Xanax and had to go to the ER and they were like “we saw your drug test, where’d you get the heroin” I’d never done opiates in my life and told them over and over again that all I took was Xanax but they put in my file that I did more. Complete bullshit. (This was like 8 years ago and the worst I do now is occasionally drink 1-2 hard ciders) I’d been eating everything bagels pretty consistently so the only explanation in my mind is poppyseeds. If he’s admitting to cocaine chances are he’s being honest about the bagel too

Arnold_Judas-Rimmer
0
1 week ago

Because cocaine is awesome

IANALbutIAMAcat
0
1 week ago

A girl in my high school failed a hair test bc of her poppyseed shampoo lol. I can 100% guarantee that she did not use opiates.

natephant
-1
1 week ago

Uppers and downers are different.

And a medical student you should understand that.

hamithesquirrel
1
1 week ago

I do know that... but he had a lot of history of drug use, both uppers and downers. He just wouldn’t admit to the most recent drug test for opioids

I-Codes-Things
334
1 week ago

Here is how you beat any drug test!

Get your mom to piss in an empty eardrop bottle. Eyedrop bottles are acceptable as well. The important part is not the bottle you idiot. It can be anything but it must be cleaned very well. How to explain why Tabasco sauce is in your pee?

So now you have yours moms piss in your bottle of juice. Next get some super glue. Any brand works. The important part, you idiot, is to glue it to your thigh to keep your moms piss warm. If you're a man you can glue it to your dick as well. I don't recommend this.

Now when it comes time for the test you piss normally into the cup with one exception. What you do, you idiot, is squeeze your moms piss bottle into the cup. Don't be shy! Squeeze that shit like your milking a cow. You want them to hear that sweet sweet stream.

That is all. If you have a parole officer situation this makes it more tricky. They have a pee fetish. They watch. So in the case of a man, unfortunately you must glue to your dick. No other safe choice. For women put it in your pussy and kegel time. If you're not strong enough, use meth before the test. It will help.

Jafooki
125
1 week ago

But what if my mom also likes to party?

I-Codes-Things
67
1 week ago

Shit. Your dad's piss would work too I guess. Not ideal though.

cocainebane
42
1 week ago

Wait, y’all have dads?!

DreadfullyBIzzy
12
1 week ago

Yeah but he’s no good. Trying to return it and upgrade to the newer model. I hear they now come with “emotional support” as an add-on feature.

DecentComments
0
1 week ago
cocainebane
1
1 week ago

LMFAO 👨🏼‍🦲🤯🧟‍♂️

JapaneseStudentHaru
9
1 week ago

At work the other day a coworker randomly asked if I would sell my pee to a guy for $250 dollars. I said it would depend if he’s using it to pass a drug test. They said that a man can’t use a woman’s piss now because they can tell what gender it’s from lol so I guess if you’re a guy it has to be your dad.

dxrey65
81
1 week ago

"The good news, Joe, is that you passed the drug test. The bad news is you're pregnant".

Dograzor
6
1 week ago

Social worker working with (ex-)cons here: Actually happened to a client of mine, that's how he got the news that his GF was pregnant.

NovaXxii
1
1 week ago

I thought it was illegal to run a pregnancy test during a drug test?

Dograzor
1
1 week ago

I would rather say it's the other wat around, that it's illegal to run a drug test while doing a pregnancy test.

For the drugs test, I'm assuming that they run a few checks to prevent cheating, including measuring hormonal levels to determine if it's from a male or female.

NovaXxii
1
1 week ago

As far as I know it is against the law both ways. Can’t run a drug test on a pregnant woman, and can’t give a pregnancy test to someone that is there for strictly a drug urinalysis. Both violate hipaa and privacy rights.

Dograzor
1
1 week ago

Had a look at the U.S. laws (I'm EU based), but it seems that that it doesn't fully apply to inmates on probation or on parole, but again, I'm not familiar with U.S. law.

Regardless, the (ex-)cons that follow our rehabilitation program (I work in a sort of half way house/institution) do sign a contract giving consent to drug testing & the exchange of information regarding the test, so legally I would say we are above board.

_duncan_idaho_
3
1 week ago

Didn't this happen to an athlete recently?

LetsHearSomeSongs
2
1 week ago

That means the dude has testicular cancer gold pls

siophang13
1
1 week ago

"i'm gonna be a fa- uh, gonna be a great brother!"

sidd332
21
1 week ago

Why can't all tutorials be like this?

causeboredom
16
1 week ago

You idiot.

Pflanzmann
7
1 week ago

Your comment is the third comment I’ve ever safed. You wrote that beautiful, the random „you idiot“ got me totally off guard.

If you write a book, i buy it.

I-Codes-Things
1
1 week ago

Thanks im honored

Harold_Pemulis
3
1 week ago

Is this from something? Sounds familiar

TJR25
1
1 week ago

It’s most likely a copypasta

I-Codes-Things
1
1 week ago

Nah I came up with in the moment lol.

Harold_Pemulis
2
1 week ago

Well it's amazing good job. Lol

maaack3nzi3
3
1 week ago

more pro-tips: clean urine can be stored if refrigerated, but for no longer than 2 weeks. heat it up easily by buying a small, black coffee at your local gas station (or making some in a thermos at your office) and place receptacle inside a baggie, then inside the coffee. wait until hot and then transfer to a safe and warm place - women can also place underneath their boob in their bra if nobody has a pee fetish.

when people start getting popped for randoms, plan ahead.

Suramon
2
1 week ago

Jesus

MiddleBodyInjury
2
1 week ago

This may be the greatest comment ever

PM_Me_catsontitties
2
1 week ago

I enjoyed being insulted by you. What is this weird feeling...?!

I-Codes-Things
2
1 week ago

Did I awaken something in you?

PM_Me_catsontitties
2
1 week ago
epsilon_ix
1
1 week ago

Is this Creed Bratton?

I-Codes-Things
1
1 week ago

Not today

lilgthing
1
1 week ago

100% this works every time. Target has nice small sized squeeze bottles in the travel section.

Amoureuxlolol
1
1 week ago

Or you can buy fake pee from any head shop for 20$ and it comes with a rubber band to put on your thigh and directions on how to use it.

I-Codes-Things
1
1 week ago

true but fake pee is detectable and that price its probably not the state of art pee that passes.

JaredVi
137
1 week ago

This is 100 percent stolen from somewhere but i cant remember

peepeeskillz
84
1 week ago

Seinfeld, this is old as fuck lol. Except in that show it was poppyseed muffins

oh_nice_marmot
58
1 week ago

They mean the everything bagel punchline of the joke. Which indeed was stolen from this tweet

throawfaowbnef
11
1 week ago

Lana Del Gay ruined it with the blank lines too

flyinsaucrtakemeaway
6
1 week ago

plus initially saying it was poppyseed and then correcting to everything destroys the joke. in conclusion: wack.

InternalB
1
1 week ago

Typical.

Llama_in_a_tux
1
1 week ago

honestly, the original is better

Okichah
10
1 week ago

Mrs Seinfeld.... i need your sample.

BKlounge93
4
1 week ago

In JERRYS glass??

ButtCrackFTW
6
1 week ago

You have the metabolism of a 68 year old woman.

GaryChalmers
1
1 week ago

And was also in the chicken she ate later.

Below_Average_Artist
8
1 week ago

It was used in the last season of Orange is the New Black.

ch0ppa1
1
1 week ago

I remember seeing it on r/opiates like a year ago

Traditional_Size
125
1 week ago

I didn't study for those sections. I was mainly focused on passing the opiate section...

5H_n_DBH
35
1 week ago

off topic but i love his username

marzipanmagpie
14
1 week ago

Same, it was the first thing I noticed

Morphabond
1
1 week ago

😂 😂 😂

LineChef
29
1 week ago

I gotta find out where people are getting these bagels...

zamend229
6
1 week ago

I laughed a lot harder at this than the original post lol

aheadofmytime
15
1 week ago

HR interviewer: You're drug test was clean

Applicant: Does that mean I get the job?

HR: No, we don't hire losers

Huavooo
17
1 week ago

this is the oldest of ancient reposts

major_league_blazer
7
1 week ago

theyre reposting a repost of a twitter post, that shit is repost 2

JimboLodisC
16
1 week ago

"It was an everything bagel?"

*laugh track*

Arnold_Judas-Rimmer
1
1 week ago

-AAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

RealTweetOrNotBot
12
1 week ago

beep-boop, I'm a bot

Link to tweets:

1) Tweet by @McClellandShane (81% sure)

 


If I was helpful, comment 'Good Bot' <3! | source | created by NiroxGG

itzdacks
3
1 week ago

Good Bot

ArborElfPass
3
1 week ago

Good Bot

StealthyHale
1
1 week ago

Good bot

Shanabaws
9
1 week ago

Quite possibly the least funny thing I've seen on reddit, congrats!

chargerhellcat
3
1 week ago

Someone downvoted you for that, dont worry I got chu

SPUNKFLAP
2
1 week ago

I got both of you!

chargerhellcat
1
1 week ago

Ayeee

SoulkeeperNova
2
1 week ago

Almost got sent to hell there, u/chargerhellcat. I gotchu.

Cudizonedefense
1
1 week ago

This should be the top post on r/ComedyCemetery

Goddler
11
1 week ago
kingOfMemes616
6
1 week ago

oh man dude I remember that episode

therealtrousers
7
1 week ago

It was a stolen tweet.

DoItFerda
7
1 week ago

None of your damn business what I do in my free time

antonimbus
5
1 week ago

I had to double-check this wasn't r/comedycemetery

itsculturehero
4
1 week ago
SeniorCantaloupe
4
1 week ago

Lana del gay

RagingRavenRR
3
1 week ago

Explain the weed and cocaine.

You don't pay me enough to buy cocaine!

Octosphere
3
1 week ago

It was a Jeffery bagel.

project_seven
1
1 week ago

Helllloooo, I'm Jeffrey

Omaro_IB
3
1 week ago

Remove the last line and it gets 10 times funnier

Darzin
3
1 week ago

I must have got the cocaine when I was snorting the heroine. Damn dollars are filthy.

TheRealSpookyTheKid
2
1 week ago

Holy wow I’ve never seen this joke posted on twitter numerous times already. Let alone Reddit! Holy wow.

ozymandiez
2
1 week ago

Boss in the Cybersecurity and IT Field (where we can't find enough people to fill the skilled positions).

Boss: You failed your drug test

Me: I had a poppyseed bagel and take hemp supplements

Boss: Explain the weed, cocaine in your system and the hooker that keeps sucking on the didlo in the break room for the guys

Me: Just an added benefit of being the only one in the company that can do this job.

Boss: Fair Enough...carry on now. Good job.

alours
2
1 week ago

That's an interesting perspective that I've never thought about

cakedayaristocrat
2
1 week ago

Someone tell me it's not a lie that you'll test positive for opium if you eat poppy seed bagels.

Get_Saucy
2
1 week ago

Its not a lie

junkmonk84
2
1 week ago

Good thing they can't test for lsd.

Knittingpasta
2
1 week ago

Some antihistamines can trigger weed tests

ToniMarino
2
1 week ago

Lana del gay Is just an awesome name

SharedRegime
2
1 week ago

Doesnt red bull ping as coke? I know it pings something.

cante221
2
1 week ago

This only works in NJ, and only if you share some porkroll (or Taylor Ham if you prefer) with the boss.

emotheatrix
2
1 week ago

They use cocaine during nasal surgery sometimes.

LeviathanGray
2
1 week ago

It's important to try everything in moderation, no exceptions.

copperbuyer
2
1 week ago

Where to find Everything Bagel? Axing for a friend...

sgtpepper2001
2
1 week ago

Fun fact: Poppyseeds can leave traces of cocaine in your body for the drug test!

SupremeRedditBot
2
1 week ago

Congrats for reaching r/all/top/ (of the day, top 25) with your post!  


I am a bot, probably quite annoying, I mean no harm though

Message me to add your account or subreddit to my blacklist

LuckECharms
1
1 week ago

Y’all laugh now but wait till you’re the guy I watched try to use this excuse to a judge and then have to explain what was on said bagel.

TGamer125
1
1 week ago

They stole that joke from tumblr

DefeatusdaFetus
1
1 week ago

Smoking weed and doing coke at the same time is so ineffective

Ajj360
1
1 week ago

Damn where is this bagel shop?

Htgotmilk
1
1 week ago

Was a wipper-snipper.

BadLuckPoppy
1
1 week ago

I hate it when people are eating my seed.

SuperGeneral
1
1 week ago

Haha employers can't drug test us here.

WhatsTheFussAboot
1
1 week ago

Poppy seeds show up as weed

SunriseSurprise
1
1 week ago

"Those ARE drugs aren't they? Doesn't that mean I passed?"

wooglefloofum
1
1 week ago

I’ve seen this so many times

trowhawey
1
1 week ago

Boss: you failed your drug test

Me: go f**k yourself I dont need to do a drug test to do this job

BorisKafka
1
1 week ago

Me: I'm sharing

Boss: Well break it out, my new Jr. Assistant.

Wlcmtoflvrtwn
1
1 week ago

Obviously they are lacing cocaine and heroin with poppy seeds now.

Not_Ice_frog
1
1 week ago

borrowed jokes, cool

weirdgroovynerd
1
1 week ago

"Get me a dozen, then get back to work."

*Boss

mariam67
1
1 week ago

The version I heard she was pregnant as well, I thought that was really funny.

SeleneSiren
1
1 week ago

Lmfao. Almost made it

Tyler_Whirl
1
1 week ago

LOOOOL! Yes! Thank you for this!

green91791
1
1 week ago

Always respond with I thought it was graded not pass fail, would have studied harder

maxru85
1
1 week ago

looks like a joke

Boy: please give me poppy seed roll

Saleswoman: can I give you a heroin loaf, a minor drug addict?

project_seven
1
1 week ago

It's called the Jeffrey bagel

[deleted]
1
1 week ago

[deleted]

Squirrelleee
1
1 week ago

I used to work for an investigative firm. I was licensed as a private investigator associate and everything. After I'd worked a few months at the company I asked the VP why they never drug tested me. Hell even Walmart drug tests.

He shrugged. "I'm a libertarian."

That was it. Very nonchalant. Then I found out later he grew up in Amsterdam. Mystery solved.

hopingyoudie
1
1 week ago

100% me. I was on probation for a few years.. Short durations of isp, house arrest and two weeks in juvie. I had legitimately ate 12 poppy seed mini-muffins. Sure enough my color was called, and I got drug tested, had to meet with my po two days later to go over it. Failed for barbituates, I told her I had eaten all these poppy seed muffins, which my mother also confirmed. I thought that would be the end of it. My po informs they can have the urine sample gassed. Two days later another meeting. There isn't a chance that could have been muffins.. upgraded my probation to house arrest for two months, and that was followed by intense supervised probation, for a year. Failed a drug test on isp for marijuana and barbiturates, then came the juvie for two weeks. After I was released, I dropped out of school because I was getting ready to get charged with truancy. Right after I dropped out I was released from probation on the contingency I get my GED, and find a job. It's a really strange legal system.

Bubbie-Rooskie
1
1 week ago

Should’ve just squirted Vaseline in it. Helps if you have a bit of a chub going.

HoldenTite
1
1 week ago

I needed the weed to eat the bagel. And cocaine is fun

UnprovenMortality
1
1 week ago

It really pisses me off that something as simple as a poppyseed bagel can set off a false positive. I mean I didn't even at a whole one. Just a half a poppyseed bagel toasted with butter. Not even a big bagel either. A half of a half-sized bagel smothered in cannabutter. It really grinds my gears...

not_soinvisible
2
1 week ago

Not gunna lie, you had me in the first half

Double-YouTwo
1
1 week ago

The fuck, are the people on this sub oblivious, this is one of the most blatant reposts I have seen.

Congrats on your 50k karma by riding on the backs of idiots.

LumosPM
1
1 week ago

This tweet is stolen btw

The_Real_Stoeptegel
0
1 week ago

What are those bagles?

Largonaut
0
1 week ago

Got me in trouble laughing too loud in the library

Coiltoilandtrouble
0
1 week ago

Lana del gay

Mantequilla_Stotch
0
1 week ago

The poppyseed did explain the weed popping on the test though...

ibanezrocker724
2
1 week ago

No. Poppyseeds have nothing to do with weed. There is a very very very low chance it could make you pop hot for opioids.

Mantequilla_Stotch
1
1 week ago

I always heard it would trick a weed test

PornViewthrowaway
0
1 week ago

Can someone explain the joke?

Anti-Tryhards69
0
1 week ago

Lol Lana Del Gay it’s funny because it sounds like Lana Del Rey haha lol gay funny

usernametakenxD
0
1 week ago

Ive seen this joke like 5 billion times at this point

Elgarr2
0
1 week ago

Me: I need karma on reddit

Reddit: well you can repost

Me: yeh good idea, what’s not been posted for a while?!

Reddit: the bagel bs and drug test;!

oppopswoft
0
1 week ago

Could do without the blanks

Vaginaderps
0
1 week ago

🤣

Milkslinger
0
1 week ago

Poppy seed bagels don't even make you test positive.

Now poppy tea on the other hand...

alours
0
1 week ago

it’s just a good sounding lie

bobcat633
0
1 week ago

Not bad. A little Seinfeld, with some corny added in.

Don_Interruptus
-2
1 week ago

Any boss that gives a fuck about weed is such a cunt

Get the fuck over yourself and the utterly catastrophic prohibition policies

[deleted]
-10
1 week ago

[removed]

TheMadThanus
8
1 week ago

Why the homophobia, you intolerant cunt?

chargerhellcat
-7
1 week ago

Because no one gives to fucks if you're gay, just be normal and stop using it as an excuse. Just be a... normal human

[deleted]
-12
1 week ago

[removed]

WealthsHighOccultist
1
1 week ago

I relate very strongly to this. Someone once called me the slur "communist" for accidentally displaying some human decency so i of course had no choice but to want to abolish money and the state.

It was very upsetting for me. But now I'm a grammar nazi which is much better.

PasmaklininSulo
1
1 week ago

You did not do what's been expected of a true Phyrric reactionary.

You had to send them to Gulags and post propaganda on how violence on the capitalists is justified.

Also, let's not forget that whenever someone calls you the c slur (may Adonai forgive me for using the word) you gotta put them in front of the wall.

WealthsHighOccultist
0
1 week ago

Unfortunately during my stint as a leftist I also opposed all guns.

All I really want is someone to call me a racist, capitalism apologist so that I can express my true feelings under the guise of trolling.

The tears of a clown, dontcha know.

PasmaklininSulo
1
1 week ago

Unfortunately during my stint as a leftist I also opposed all guns.

Aww too bad. If someone calls you a pussy for that, you're going to say "SO WHAT IF MY WIFE'S BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT US TO HAVE GUNS! I'M A PROUD PUSSY!" Alright? Show them words can't hurt you by owning the words. And then you're going to lecture them about how phallogocentric language enforces toxic masculinity and how it shapes society for the worse. The guy will tell you a single word (pussy) but you're going to write an essay for a comeback, okay?

guise of trolling.

Poe's Law and all man, you can do it. But be vary of the learned ignorant ones. Some people think they have better observational skills than others and think they are the Shepherd Martyr Dogs of the sheep flock. They are aware that there are wolves around but they are somehow not aware that the sheep are also aware. They think they're the only ones with a brain.

To manipulate them, act stupid and they'll lose a game to their ego.

WealthsHighOccultist
1
1 week ago

Some people think they have better observational skills than others and they are the Shepherd Martyr Dogs of the sheep flock. They are aware that there are wolves around but they are somehow not aware that the sheep are also aware.

To manipulate them, act stupid and they'll lose a game to their ego.

I absolutely agree. You're a great example.

PasmaklininSulo
1
1 week ago

I just realized they can also see two leveled playfulness.

However, beating them is easy. When they break the fourth wall, you'll know that they lost the game.

WealthsHighOccultist
1
1 week ago

This strikes me as accurate. It takes an incredible amount of intellectual capacity to execute performative irony without accidentally saying exactly what you actually believe.

Pretending to be a bigoted idiot only works if you're not a bigoted idiot.

TheMadThanus
-1
1 week ago

Nani?! I'm quite perplexed at your line of thinking.

Do you by any chance also dislike minorities and want a white America?

PasmaklininSulo
-2
1 week ago

Do you by any chance also dislike minorities and want a white America?

I didn't use to but seeing how that idea's opponents are out of their minds, I'm supporting it even though I'm not even white. :)

However my hatred for the muslims is original, it's not just reactionarism ;)

Enjoy your next mass shooting btw.

TheMadThanus
1
1 week ago

Ah right, so we've got homophobia, and hatred for minorities in general with focus on a specific religion (muslims), I'm going to guess you're right-wing based on your views.

So, you literally check all the boxes of a Nazi minus white supremacy yet you don't want to be called one?

This is coming from a German btw, I know what I'm talking about.

PasmaklininSulo
2
1 week ago

I'm going to guess you're right-wing based on your views.

Good observational skills.

literally check all the boxes of a Nazi

All the boxes of Nazism is hating muslims and homophobia? LOL, Btw since you're German, do you think you could make me the Judsiche Ghetto Polizei since I'm Jewish myself when AFD rules?

Also, would a Jew admitting that he is a Nazi (kind of like the early Lehi) piss off the leftist SJWs? If yes I will praise Hitler everywhere.

The best victory is the Phyrric one.

I know what I'm talking about.

And I know it better than you do.

TheMadThanus
3
1 week ago

Oh man, thanks for the laugh.

You don't even understand my comment yet you feel the need to appear superior.

Quite sad that good people got gassed but your ancestors made it through just to push out a piece of shit that supports the very man that wanted to exterminate them.

PasmaklininSulo
1
1 week ago

piss off the leftist SJWs?

through just to push out a piece of shit that supports the very man that wanted to exterminate them

Apparently it does LMAO.

Listen you imbecile. If you bully people into submission and silence and make them lose their jobs because of their mild criticism or lack of their support for a certain focus group, and for their speech, your self-rightous, narcissistic, obnoxious and abhorrent behavior will create reactionaries and resisting people.

This in return will remove all the gravity of the words you guys are using to demonize those people so you can feel morally superior. You're not compassionate, you just need to feel like you have the tiniest of power when you point your finger, like the ha-satan.

People will be fed up with your accusations and will start saying "so what? I'm a proud white supremacist/homophobe/Nazi" etc. They'll start owning those words even without knowing the tenets or meanings of the words.

And you know the worst part of it? These people will grow in numbers and their first targets will be us. Not you pointy fingered Nazi creators. You're going to wear your pink hats and do your feminist dance therapy when the world burns down.

So next time you think a certain type of a single, just one buzzword (without actually verifying it) can yield you the higher hand in the argument, and silence your opponent (ie the word Nazi) know that for the upcoming troubles we will have, you have put salt and pepper in the making of that cold prepared dish.

Now out of my sight you kartoffel farming peasant Kraut.

TheMadThanus
1
1 week ago

I'm a burning heap of trash mate, I never said I'm an SJWs or even left wing you just act like your typical neonazi but that's just provocation, quite effective though.

I'm just tired of people bashing homosexuals since I'm bisexual myself.

I get that people get pissed off by the flamboyant types that scream their gayness at everyone, we hate them too but most of us are just normal people you wouldn't even notice are gay. I'm just really really really tired of having to defend my right to live because religious fucktards think we're the devil incarnate and shit.

I don't bully anyone into submission I'm just against hatred be it for a race, religion or sexuality we're all humans goddammit why can't some people understand that?

Now, I understand your rage but fighting fire with fire will just result in more conflict which, as you said will be taken out on you since the "it's the jews!!!" rhetoric seems to still be quite popular.

Also, SJWs deserve the same treatment as racists and other melts no one has the right to be superior to anyone, as I said, we're all human nobody is better.

HangOnVoltaire
1
1 week ago
nwordcountbot
1
1 week ago

Thank you for the request, comrade.

I have looked through pasmaklininsulo's posting history and found 2 N-words, of which 2 were hard-Rs.

[deleted]
-1
1 week ago

[removed]

[deleted]
1
1 week ago

[deleted]

PasmaklininSulo
0
1 week ago

" from AutoModerator

[-3] sent an hour ago

Your comment in /r/WhitePeopleTwitter was automatically removed because it is racist.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns."

I spelled it, because it got autodeleted.

Enjoy your block you little F--A--G--G--O--T

HangOnVoltaire
1
1 week ago

Not that I'm afraid of saying the word

spells out word

1/10, but you keep that troll train chugging along, big guy 🚂 🤡 👌 🚂