Relax Martin you’ve got an empire biscuit
13334 upvotes
214 comments
XiKiilzziX
1 week ago
Relax Martin you’ve got an empire biscuit
glorkcakes
1921
1 week ago

am no wantin an empire biscuit am wantin a snowball

majorlicks
410
1 week ago

Maybe when ye dae a jobby Martin, yer ma caen wipe yer arse fer ye Martin

Whityabam
130
1 week ago

Ah dont want an empire biscuit, ya stupit. auld. COW

2ndfastestmanalive
58
1 week ago

TAXI

frizzykid
-5
1 week ago

Ah dint want et

Little_Stag
1
1 week ago

. 9oojkkkk L>Ah dint want et..

Ah dint want et

Opli

div2691
51
1 week ago

Right up there as one of the best lines in Still Game. Got to feel sorry for all the wee Martin's in school the day after.

Lyrrh
9
1 week ago

All the wee jobby Martins.

stretchyman3012
2
1 week ago

Was on a course last month and there was a guy called Martin on it. It was mandatory to say that to him at least once every week.

HyrQeil
5
1 week ago

This must sound fuckin mental to aw they uncultured cunts that don't have every line of that show memorised to heart

Woshambo
3
1 week ago

This is the reason my man wouldn't let me name my son Martin

[deleted]
-54
1 week ago

[removed]

Goalie02
195
1 week ago

Here's some proper English for you: Get banned, you virgin reprobate cunt

JeBloon
4
1 week ago

What he say?

Datsmell
25
1 week ago

Based on Modman, or modlady’s response it was probably telling them to speak proper English.

Liecht
4
1 week ago

i for one support the ban of every *nglo here

^^/sifyouneedit

Adnaan2513
15
1 week ago

*job

Jobby means shite, ya shitebag

Speshtard
12
1 week ago

Downvote farmer, nothing to see here.

WagwanMyMans
5
1 week ago

fuck up ya fat cunt

ohpee8
-1
1 week ago

Why do you guys think this kind of shit is funny? Learn how to bait better.

[deleted]
-61
1 week ago

[removed]

llBoonell
14
1 week ago

Ah suck me ya fuckn wankstain

[deleted]
1
1 week ago

[removed]

dobbyeilidh
58
1 week ago

Mibbe if ye dae a jobbie Martin yer maw will wipe yer arse fer ye Martin

Hooman_Super
-92
1 week ago

tf 😕 is y'all saying 💩

TheBandWas
33
1 week ago
grandpa_faust
11
1 week ago

Absolute class, that series.

Hooman_Super
-30
1 week ago

thx 👍 my dude, you're cool 😎

nosmadaaa
25
1 week ago

"Maybe if you do a shit Martin, your mom will wipe your ass for you Martin." - is this legible enough for you 'muricans?

p_iynx
7
1 week ago

He’s a troll account

Hooman_Super
-76
1 week ago

ugh 😒 shut up 🔒

nosmadaaa
34
1 week ago

Fuck up ye emoji abusing cunt 🙃🙃🙃

Jehovah___
3
1 week ago

He’s a troll everywhere

Corporal_Anaesthetic
57
1 week ago

A number of years since I moved to Scotland from England I realised that I had started saying "I'm wanting/ are you wanting" instead of "I want/ do you want". It's interesting because it's a grammatical difference rather than vocabulary, and it was a completely subconscious switch.

And it goes without saying that my accent is a mess by now.

logicalmaniak
39
1 week ago

You get the idiom before the accent. It's always funny to hear people with a Cockney accent start saying stuff like "dinnae" and "ken".

"What made you move to Scotland?"

"Woife's Sco''ish. Seems like a noice place, ken wot I mean? It's barry 'ere! Dinny wont ta leave naah!"

dishie
17
1 week ago

That sounds Australian in my head.

TheGurw
4
1 week ago

I dunno why but it really sounds like Perth to me, so you're not alone.

LimpBizkitSkankBoy
7
1 week ago

I'm American so it's all greek to me

dishie
2
1 week ago

I mean, I'm American too, just cultured.

JohnnyWizzard
1
1 week ago

I did the same thing when i moved to central belt and started saying ken like with my ned accent. Now I've picked up stupid southern slang from friends like saying "safe".

skellious
1
1 week ago

my favourite addition since moving here has been the word "outwith" to replace "outside of". It's just BETTER.

mc-lebowski
45
1 week ago

Just looked up a snowball. The fuck is wrong with you people?

mogthemag
74
1 week ago

Are you sure you saw the right kind of snowball? There are several, the one I presume they're referring to is the coconut and chocolate kind as opposed to "snowballing" which is a whole different kettle of fish.

mc-lebowski
92
1 week ago

I fucked up

LazyProspector
48
1 week ago

this is a snowball

mc-lebowski
92
1 week ago

i fucked up big

UmberSkies
34
1 week ago

You’ve got me in fucking stitches dude xD

Splishysplashylife
13
1 week ago

what did you find?

BaconAnus-Hero
25
1 week ago

When you cumswap.

Hates_escalators
4
1 week ago

Adam, that is VILE

Slytly_Shaun
-1
1 week ago

that username... you very well might be a hero to many if you have managed to eat fresh bacon as part of eating someone's ass. Eating ass would take on a whole new meaning!

BaconAnus-Hero
4
1 week ago

Get your coat love, you've pulled!

i did once see a lesbian thing where one of them ate mustard off an arsehole

the early years of file sharing were wild

AerThreepwood
5
1 week ago

This exchange is the funniest thing I've seen all day.

MarchionessofMayhem
9
1 week ago

But, honey, we have sno-balls here in America. Hostess makes them. They even dye them green for St. Patrick's Day.

j18rob
2
1 week ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Superbuddhapunk
9
1 week ago

Why do they call them Belgian biscuits in Edinburgh?

winters0084
26
1 week ago

Because cunts.

lukepiewalker1
4
1 week ago

They were always empire biscuits, then along came Greggs and suddenly they were German biscuits. I guess the whole empire thing went out of fashion.

Liecht
1
1 week ago

nah its actually our plan to sealion without having a navy

lukepiewalker1
1
1 week ago

I dun investigated (Wikipedia, so it's definitely legit) and it was a WW1 freedom fries thing... But we got over it. Lots of regional variations.

TheGurw
3
1 week ago

Why is Edinburgh pronounced the way it is?

Because everyone in the British Isles is daft.

Hates_escalators
3
1 week ago

Eden-berg

TheGurw
4
1 week ago

Almost none of the locals pronounce it that way, though. Most say ED-in-bruh or ED-in-buh-ruh. A fair few say EM-bruh.

Hates_escalators
4
1 week ago

I know, I was being dumb

RustySpannerz
4
1 week ago

If someone from Edinburgh said edinburg they would be shot

JohnnyWizzard
3
1 week ago

someone from Scotland*

chubbsmack
1
1 week ago

Av always known them as Double biscuits, sometimes empire biscuits. Got to have the wee jelly tot on the top tae.

my__name__is
528
1 week ago

Ah, a man of culture who has his priorities straight.

greycubed
96
1 week ago

Hey she had the same priorities.

broomandkettle
73
1 week ago

This marriage could be fixed, they just need more snowballs.

ApoclypseMeow
403
1 week ago

Well that really snowballed.

Closet_Monkey
90
1 week ago

Right in the Tunnocks.

BlinkerBoyAus
36
1 week ago

Right in the Davina McCalls

early_cruise
28
1 week ago

Right in the Niagra Falls

jawsheh_
22
1 week ago

Right in the costa del sols

Suds44
16
1 week ago

Two lagers ya prick

Carlos-_-spicyweiner
7
1 week ago

If it isn't the two ronnies

FrankieHummus88
9
1 week ago

Laurence Llewelyn and Bowen

Hates_escalators
2
1 week ago

Boy, that escalated quickly.

Jimishine
385
1 week ago

This is the most incredible thing I've ever read

jeric17
53
1 week ago

You need to sit down, your getting hysterical.

tenonthehead
282
1 week ago

This is actually how my father texts. Except he doesn’t even bother his area with spaces.

terminus-esteban
71
1 week ago

just like the romans did it sounds like

AerThreepwood
27
1 week ago

"People called Romanes, they go the house?"

PM_ME_UR_SHEET_MUSIC
11
1 week ago

“But ‘Romans, go home’ is an order, so you must use...?”

“The imperative!”

“Which is...?”

“Um, oh, uh...i!”

“How many Romans?”

“Ahh! Plural, plural!”

“Ite.”

“Ite!”

Hates_escalators
8
1 week ago

Eunt domus Romanes

captain_shortbeard
4
1 week ago

"Third person plural present indicative!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDEcCyQYKcY

Linguistics degree, Anglo Saxon class. About died when the prof corrected my translation with "Ah, but this one is third person PURAL present indicative!" Started laughing and all my fellow scholars stared on in humorless confusion

AerThreepwood
2
1 week ago

My mom was a Latin teacher (when they were hiring for it, or taught English. We moved around a bunch because my dad was Army) and she'd use this scene for lessons. She's the reason I know teachers should be better paid. She spent all of her free-time and what little money she could spare making her lessons fun and engaging for her students. I mean, she never used any of that energy on her children but she was a great teacher.

[deleted]
5
1 week ago

[deleted]

terminus-esteban
8
1 week ago

ALLCAPSNOSPACES

TellMeHowImWrong
1
1 week ago

"Bothering your area" sounds like a euphemism for wanking.

U-N-l-T-Y
194
1 week ago

My mum must of stolen my dad’s sweets before I was born. This explains everything...

Chill_Confirmed
44
1 week ago

He was so upset he was just going to swing down to the corner to get a pack of smokes

Hates_escalators
3
1 week ago

Going to get a pack of snowballs

GoodGuyGrey7
187
1 week ago

The fact he puts an X at the end of each text is very wholesome actually.

roberttylerlee
142
1 week ago

I hooked up with a girl from England who did this once. We were talking one night over text, and all of a sudden the “xx” at the end of all her texts stopped. She starts trying to goad me into saying some pretty stupid shit, then after about 15 minutes of me not giving in a got a text that said “sorry me friend had me phone xx” and I knew I was talking to her again.

St_Mungos_
41
1 week ago

What does it mean? I see it all the time in non American text screenshots

squiddysquad
81
1 week ago

The x's are kisses!

PlsDntPMme
40
1 week ago

I think it means kisses or something but they use it for everything sort of how we use lol for everything.

Bjornoo
33
1 week ago

It's like "xoxo" which basically means hugs and kisses, where x is kisses and o is hugs, I believe.

sasquatchmarley
4
1 week ago

I've always been told that x is a closed mouth kiss and o is an open mouthed kiss, and that's what they kinda look like. Have you been snogging people by accident?

EmperorAcinonyx
37
1 week ago

Not OP, but I've never heard your version! I think you might've sent some veeeery forward messages lol

sasquatchmarley
2
1 week ago

Shit you're right, I google it. I always thought it was a French kissing thing, it makes sense if you imagine the letters as a mouth tho

Skreamie
26
1 week ago

Has always been hugs and kisses, never in my life have I heard your version

Slytly_Shaun
3
1 week ago

Samsies!!

Edit: not used to a pc version so dumb mistake

sasquatchmarley
2
1 week ago

Yeah I'm the only one I think. Nobody can explain why the o means a hug tho, its just tradition I think

CassieLassie
3
1 week ago

I thought it was cause your arms kinda make an O shape when they're round someone hugging them? Like if you do an air hug right now your arms are kindy an o shape. Makes a wee bit more sense than any of the other letters anyway.

sasquatchmarley
0
1 week ago

I had the "x" as a puckered mouth, and the "o" as an open mouth representing a kiss in relation to a closed mouth often being :l or similar. Apparently not

its_me_cody
10
1 week ago

I have never heard this, it's just hugs and kisses.

sasquatchmarley
0
1 week ago

How though

its_me_cody
3
1 week ago

There are many theories as to how this came to be. One visual theory holds that an X looks like puckered lips. Another is that > and < represent two people's lips, and joining them creates an X. An aural alternative is that the word "kiss" sounds a little like X, and the Spanish pronunciation of X — "equis" — sounds like "eh-kiss."

So if X means "kiss," why does O mean "hug"? Said to be a North American invention, this seems to have a relatively simple reason. X's and O's go together (as in tic-tac-toe, or naughts and crosses) and an O looks like circled arms creating a hug.

According to this which also claims the first use of X as kiss was in 1763, and that Winston Churchill sent kisses in a letter

sasquatchmarley
1
1 week ago

I actually thought similarly, but with the x being a puckered mouth, and o signifying an open mouthed kiss. A closed mouth in emoji form is usually like :l so that kinda supports it. Always made sense to me, anyway...

its_me_cody
2
1 week ago

Definitely makes sense, and I can understand coming to that conclusion. I only knew because it's frequently used in my friend group. I did NOT know that X's have been kisses for hundreds of years :P

Elephaux
30
1 week ago

Do you not do this in the states? To be fair, we don't really any more as most people use WhatsApp or whatever and send messages line by line, but it is something almost everyone does or has done.

Malcorin
35
1 week ago

The whole xoxo thing is more attributed to younger girls in the states, but it wouldn't be weird if an adult girlfriend did it, I guess. Definitely has a romantic slant here, where as basically all of my UK female friends end every message it it.

St_Mungos_
10
1 week ago

Yeah I’ve never seen it sent around my tiny circle of the world, always kind of figured that’s what it meant

_Petronius
3
1 week ago

Younger or older

roberttylerlee
6
1 week ago

I’m American and this was a girl from the UK who was in Florida and was on the Disney College Program. The concept of putting “xx” at the end of every message was totally bizarre

TweektheGeek
-22
1 week ago

Hell no. If someone sent an x at the end of a text to me I would probably stop talking to them. That's like one layer away from *creepy asterisks*

DrDalekFortyTwo
3
1 week ago

It's just a way to sign off at the end of a text. Like others have said, the "x" is a kiss. So like saying kisses.

MsFaolin
1
1 week ago

It's kisses. I think British people do it a lot, at least the ones I know

[deleted]
-13
1 week ago

[deleted]

Slytly_Shaun
-4
1 week ago

if it helps, ya got me in your corner. I'll be toweling ya down, spraying some high quality H20 in your mouth, and offering you worthless advice on how to counter.

Ray_adverb12
6
1 week ago

Yeah I was seeing an English dude briefly who did that at the end of all his texts too

sasquatchmarley
19
1 week ago

It's a good way to know how the other person is feeling. If she suddenly stops putting an x on the end of a text when you've just said something even slightly questionable; ya dun goofed

heartsandwich
48
1 week ago

i like the idea that all scottish people text in all caps

ebola1986
39
1 week ago

They also speak in caps.

HuskyTheNubbin
6
1 week ago

I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO DOES THAT HERE, IT'S NOT REALLY A THING.

NAPPER_
39
1 week ago

da’s taking the divorce well

jpgr111
24
1 week ago

Da

hunnibon
22
1 week ago

Well she did have some nerve

I can imagine my husband telling me it’s over and me breaking into his snacks though hahaha

Tankisfite
23
1 week ago

Reminds me of the kid who packed his stuff to leave because the lady was taking his bacon away.

naaannaaabanana
12
1 week ago

Bacon is good for me!! Chicken nuggets is like my family.

All hail King Curtis :))

ab161
10
1 week ago

You're acting like you're the queen and we're the sorry people!

theavenuehouse
9
1 week ago

I think i've only seen that once about 10 years ago and it must have had some major impact on my life as I can remember nearly every word. I barely remember my own wedding vows but can remember that whole glorious video.

liamjtic
1
1 week ago

Never come between a man a his food

Jezzerh
26
1 week ago

The noo 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Silbermerg
12
1 week ago

What is that? Right now?

XiKiilzziX
34
1 week ago

https://youtu.be/gKTzGwBdoHk

Can ye see me noo

Silbermerg
8
1 week ago

Found Still Game after googling Relax Martin. Hardly a minute into the first episode, the wife next door is yelling at her husband “You get back here the nou!” I’m going to love this show.

Tweegyjambo
7
1 week ago

Still game is an institution.

Suds44
4
1 week ago

Just found it two weeks ago. Watched all 9 seasons already. I want more.

Tweegyjambo
5
1 week ago

Nah, it's generally what we do well. Don't let shit descend to shit.

Silbermerg
1
1 week ago

And so it should

Shpannit
11
1 week ago

Yeah, it means “the now” or “just now”

stevoknevo70
10
1 week ago

When? THE NOO!

Jezzerh
2
1 week ago

Yep 🤣

camsauce
12
1 week ago

You never eat a man's snowball without asking permission. That's a sin worth an eternity in damnation.

TotallyNotWatching
10
1 week ago

Written with such emotion

SooThatGuy
8
1 week ago

Don’t eat snacks in anger. I heard ye’say.

Uncle_Gus
5
1 week ago

Get tae fuck the noo

smorgalorg
6
1 week ago

I don’t even think he overreacted tbh

Bikeboy76
5
1 week ago

Rab C Nesbitt can text.

AdamHatesLife
3
1 week ago

That was hard to read and I’m Scottish lol

Hexagram195
3
1 week ago

Dad texts are hard to read regardless.

It's like their own wee language.

DrDalekFortyTwo
1
1 week ago

I'm an American and my dad texts like this, except with southern slang.

Diamond_Wolfe
-7
1 week ago

Hmmmmmmm

My last name is Scottish if that contributes anything to this comment section....

omgLazerBeamz
4
1 week ago

It really doesnae

Diamond_Wolfe
-3
1 week ago

Well shit... Also... I can’t really imagine what that last part would sound like verbally...

PreviousBluejay
4
1 week ago

This is well and truly the most god damn Scottish thing on this subreddit I've seen in weeks

caroline_dshys
4
1 week ago

Just curious as per why there’s a pic of Maura in there really

PoseidonsB00ty
3
1 week ago

I thoroughly enjoyed reading that.

RussianFakeNewsBot
2
1 week ago

I dunno why but my brain reads this in a Geordie accent, not a Scottish one

Nosferatii
0
1 week ago

I read it in Irish

MrFoolsDay
2
1 week ago

I'd like to believe this is how it would come out with Speech to Text.

RandomFlyer643
2
1 week ago

Lol I can totally hear the accent in my head even as an American who’s never personally met a scot. I love the way they talk

Zervuss
2
1 week ago

I actually wanna hear there story of what happened before they gave him his coke back

GSP-2809
1
1 week ago

Good old still game comedy 👌👍😂

Lilt_Fan
1
1 week ago

Reminds me of this Irish man who's had his soup stolen off him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwOetzsIwDM

ihaveairpodsTM
1
1 week ago

OK X

Cybercal1608
1
1 week ago

Empire biscuits are sacred

Figg27
1
1 week ago

Best part is reading it all, then looking up at the user pic of Dylan. Lol

Paulcsgo
1
1 week ago

A WANT A SNOWBALL

Cimba199
1
1 week ago

dylan has a whole thread of texts from his dad. go n enjoy my angels, thank me lata x

Tipsib
1
1 week ago

EnUf iS eNuF

chaseguy21
1
1 week ago

IM DYING AT THE CAPTION

hanquartet
1
1 week ago

The caps along with the Scottish text slang give out an unworldly energy. Their dad is the one we must truly fear.

crashcap
0
1 week ago

Is your da Liam Gallagher?

Literarylunatic
0
1 week ago

Granted I’m from /r/all and I’ve seen tweets pop up there but I kind of had no idea that Scottish people would text phonetically and I guess it makes sense but it’s the cutest and most amazing thing I’ve learned today.

nigelbailey1990
0
1 week ago

I had a stroke reading this

LeahDell_04
0
1 week ago

I absolutely love reading these in my head in the best Scottish accent I can muster and then reading them out loud with the same amount of effort and crappy results.

allo12
0
1 week ago

And I thought Dylan was a man' s name.

[deleted]
-3
1 week ago

[deleted]

BluFoot
18
1 week ago

That's like, this entire sub

fattubaplayer1
-3
1 week ago

So do Scots always go back and undo all the autocorrects after writing out the text?

mikerichh
-4
1 week ago

Why does dad have an "X" signature for every message?

poppyxvv
6
1 week ago

British/Irish thing, it means a kiss but like not in a romantic way, can put it with anyone

lgfantasy
-5
1 week ago

Who’s mom hasn’t eaten a few snowballs before?

[deleted]
-11
1 week ago

[deleted]

XiKiilzziX
9
1 week ago

Why you so angry hun x

[deleted]
-3
1 week ago

[deleted]

KageYojimbo
1
1 week ago

Most people don't like being called retards I guess...

How weird ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LunarBaguette
-7
1 week ago

I think because most people find this painful to read. I don’t get it, read in the accent.

CoyPlop
-22
1 week ago

This boy doesn’t give a fuck about spelling

Seth-Fresh
-32
1 week ago

That was painful to read

franzipoli
26
1 week ago

Yer maw's gash was painful tae demolish but aw 927 of us didnae complain.

rnniefb
-8
1 week ago
franzipoli
11
1 week ago
rnniefb
-11
1 week ago

Seems you pick and choose when you’re Scottish, going off your comment history.

r/mydadleftwheniwasaweebhoy

Jamieroo04
7
1 week ago

do you honestly think every Scottish person types with their accent all the time?

rnniefb
-15
1 week ago

It’s pretty stupid to switch it around whenever you feel like it. They know scottish people aren’t taken seriously during debates when they spell with their accent.

thetgi
8
1 week ago

No, it isn’t stupid. Plus it’s not just an accent spelled out; this is a real and documented set of dialects.

And besides, do you seriously speak to everyone the same way? I know I don’t. When I’m talking to friends, it’s all “yo dude, what the fuck is up”, but there’s no way I’m putting that in an email to my boss.

Similarly, the way I comment on r/me_irl is just not going to be the same as when I comment on r/AskScience or whatever

rnniefb
-6
1 week ago

Your point is what? You’re on reddit. Not talking to anybody of authority and it’s on an anonymous account. There is no reason for you to change your style of text varying from different sub reddit’s. It’s sad.

some_duderino
-83
1 week ago

someone translate this into english please i dont speak spanish

XiKiilzziX
67
1 week ago

Fuck up

woahwoahwoah111
19
1 week ago
uslashnsfw
14
1 week ago

Jog on

MonstercatIsLife
11
1 week ago

OP's da is explaining that his relationship with his wife has effectively come to a close after discovering she was making off with his snowballs, a chocolate marshmallow treat manufactured by Hostess Tunnocks.

cunt-hooks
50
1 week ago

Ah'll fuckin stab you in the spleen if you don't change that to Tunnocks ya knob

UnknownStory
2
1 week ago

IF SHE WAS EATIN A HOSTESS WE WOULDNT AVE A PROBLEM NOW WOULD WE AVE ALWAYS SAID YER MA WAS A KINKY LASS

uslashnsfw
11
1 week ago

Hostess

Fucking do one cunt

Saltire_Blue
3
1 week ago

Basically you’re a VL mate.

That’s what it says